FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Apr 3, 2006

Film Club: Bloody Murder

Here we are after our 1st cyber-globa-inter-electro-video viewing jam! Cannn yoouuuu dig itttt? Do you guys feel even half as Hands Across America as I do? Because I just gotta say, the idea of all of us watching a movie sort of all together-like...even if said movie had as much suckage as this first choice did (and boy, did it)...the idea of it just rocks, baby!

After demanding that you all watch 2000's Bloody Murder if you want to be considered a cool kid, well...you're all still talking to me right? I mean, I'm not Miss Cleo. I'd been warned, sure...there was the whole so-called "two" "star" rating from Netflix. I know, I know...I gave Netflix the so-called "two" "middle" "fingers" and just had to see for myself, and I dragged you all with me. It was brutal, but don't you all kinda feel like...I don't know, like we did a tour of duty together or something?

Alright, yes, onto Bloody Murder. This movie had such a convoluted fucking plot, I found myself going "Huh?" and "But wha--" and "Why'd the--" and "That doesn't make--" and "Where are my pants?" over and over again throughout it. Supposedly, the plot goes something like this:

Some counselors head to Camp Placid Pines to get things ready for the summer session. Some dude named Trevor Moorehouse lives in the woods surrounding the camp and kills people.

If the plot had been that simple, we could all throw rotting fruit at it and yell "You piece of shit Friday the 13th ripoff! Get outta here before we tar-n-feather ya!". The thing is, however, you can't even call this movie a Friday rip-off because that's really not the plot of the movie at all, is it? There's a hockey mask and a summer camp, and that's about as close as it gets. I don't even know if Trevor Moorhouse shows up in this fucking movie, honestly. Everyone keeps mentioning his name and saying things like "Look out for Trevor Moorhouse!", but we never find out what the big deal is about this dude. There's no legend! There's no proof he exists or existed! No one has died until now! Except for that one counselor a long time ago, but wasn't he killed by other counselors or something while playing hide and seek? Oh, excuse me, while playing "bloody murder"? I have no idea! See what I mean? This movie made me feel like I'm living in a cuckoo clock.

And while I'm on the subject of this so-called "Trevor" "Moorehouse"...what's the deal? The only thing we really heard about him was that he lived in the woods and had a chainsaw instead of a left hand. Well, anytime someone was wielding a chainsaw, he was clearly using both hands. Even the dude on the movie box is using both hands! I'm just so, so confused. Some other things that confused me:

--the car that ran out of gas at the film's beginning. The car was empty despite the fact that he "filled it up 20 miles ago"? Does the car only hold a half a gallon of gas, or does it only get 7 feet to the gallon?

--what the fuck was with the brown stain on the seat of the killer's pants throught the proceedings?

Bloody Murder was far too non-sensical for it to cross over the line into the wonderful world of the good/bad movie; no, my friends, this movie is firmly entrenched in the realm of bad/bad. I must say, though, after sitting through it and ruminating upon it, I could really only think of 5 things that were really wrong with it:

1. The plot
2. The dialogue
3. The acting
4. The directing
5. The fact that it was a horror movie, yet it was never, ever even a little bit scary.

Otherwise, I think it was fanmotherfuckingtastic, don't you agree?

One of the characters in this movie waxed philosophical whilst smoking one of her so-called "Guam" "Cigarettes", saying "Misery comes in lots of different forms". My, how right she was! I'd say with confidence that one form of misery is having to sit through Bloody Murder. You know what they say about misery loving company, though...and even though we suffered together, I'm glad you guys were with me. Let's get matching tattoos! Semper fi!

If you joined in the fun, be sure to say what you've gotta say...and if you wrote about Bloody Murder on your own website, don't forget to post a link in the comments!

21 comments:

Brother D said...

I just posted my own review of the . . . um . . . 'film' over at Blog'D. You can check it out at -

http://tinyurl.com/ph3y6

Man, Stacie, this movie was HARD to watch, wasn't it? It just . . . um . . . yeah . . . it didn't really do much of anything did it? It just . . . Hell, I don't know what the hell it did.

But it was fun participating in the Film Club . . . :)

Stacie Ponder said...

It was pretty bad, wasn't it? I think it was just confusing and nonsensical enough to keep me watching, though. At least I can say that much; it ws painful, but not turn-off painful.

I hope next time to pick something better- I've already got ideas cookin', if you're all still willing to participate after this one! :)

Brother D said...

I'm ready to roll w/ for the next intallment . . . If nothing else, my DVD player deserves an apology for Bloody Murder, hopefully in the form of a better movie!

The Retropolitan said...

Mine's over at: http://nineteenthirtynine.net/?p=513

The Retropolitan said...

PLEASE something better next time!

Stacie Ponder said...

Ha hahahaa! I'm gonna do my best to pick something kick ass to make it up to everybody...actually, just picking something not eye-gougingly bad would make it up to everybody!

The Retropolitan said...

Well, as long as it's not boring, I'll be happy.

Heather Santrous said...

I just finished posting my review for the club. If anyone would like to read it you can go to here http://mermaidheather.blogspot.com/ and do so. Thanks for the fun Stacie. I'm looking forward to the next movie!

Brother D said...

Even though the movie was a dud, participating in the club was a blast! Like Stacie said, that whole Hands-Across-America-thing-and-all . . . :)

What was with the ending to that movie? Didn't the roommate hit the dad with the oar or what? Or was it Nelson? Or . . . I . . . I just . . . my head hurts thinking about what the heck happened there . . .

Michelle said...

I think I'd have to add the voice overs as an extra bad thing about this movie. They were somehow just really, extra bad.

It was extra fun to read your review of it after actually seeing it, so I'm game to keep going on the film club. :)

Brother D said...

Oh, that's right . . . ! The voiceovers were TERRIBLE! They sounded like the actor was in a muffled echo chamber!

(And just how did that computer Julie used connect to the internet? She was able to take her laptop to her bed, sans any kind of connecting cable, to check her email - with some sort of archaic email program, no less - but once the phones went out, she lost her access . . . )

Bry said...

I felt really bad missing the chance to "participate" in the first installment of the film club...I couldn't find the movie anywhere...
Then I read some posts and saw the pics...I already saw it at 2:00 in the morning...too drunk to change the TV...God I'm glad I missed it again.

Somewhere my Guardian C.H.U.D is watching out for me :)

By the way how 'bout giving C.H.U.D. a shot at the club.

Stacie Ponder said...

The voiceovers were wretched-totally recorded in a tin can- and the first time Julie had a voiceover it didn't sound like her at all!

I wondered about her laptop as well- I figured they just must have wireless at Camp Placid Pines.

I have no idea who actually hit the dad with the oar...I don't even know why Nelson was so angry at everyone. I just...gah! It makes my head feel like...gah!

Bry, you sure dodged a bullet- or at least dodged it a second time! I'll think about CHUD and you'll have to join in next time.

88ArterialSprays said...

I had to play this movie 3 times just to get through it, I kept watching it late at night and falling asleep. What a horrible movie. It looks like something the drama kids shot over the summer and yet not a shred of good acting. This just doesn't even feel like a real movie,and was it just me or was the editing horrible too? In complete agreement about the crappy audio, I couldn't tell if it was voice-over or someone talking creepily through the window. Bad movie, Bad!

The Retropolitan said...

Actually, in hindsight, my favorite part of the movie was the face Julie made when her computer screen flashed "NEW MAIL!" She looked like a barrel of adorable puppies rolled into the room.

B.A. Slattery said...

Told you so.

Stacie Ponder said...

Yeah, yeah. It was still fun, so there.

And yes, Retro...Julie was so excited to get new email! Let's all take a lesson from Julie and learn to appreciate the little things. Stopping and smelling flowers or something.

See? Bloody Murder was good for something after all! A life lesson.

Al K. Haul said...

stacie
i really enjoy your site. i never thought i would care about blogs, but you match my passion for slashers & you constantly entertain. as far as "bloody murder" is concerned the only recommendation i have to even remotely enjoy it is . . be high. i mean really, really high. this movie made me giggle alot between my consumption girlscout cookies, but as a scary horror movie, not so much. oh yeah, just say no kids.
p.s. go sox!

Stacie Ponder said...

Thanks Al! I can't help but think that the movie would've been totally awesome if I slept through it.

Anonymous said...

OK, OK, OK, this movie sucks, I couldn't even finish it (I bought it a few years ago on a whim and have hated myself ever since). However, the lovely Jessica Morris is in it. She stars, I think. Anyway, she went on to play my beloved Jen on my favorite TV show One Life to Live. Ironically, Jen was murdered by a closeted homo. Coincidence or...Trevor Moorehouse? Just wanted to give you all something to think about!

Jessica Morris has certainly grown as an actress and I grew to love her on my story. She also is a dead ringer for my favorite B-Movie queen Claudia Jennings and if I ever get the chance to make the movie of Jennings life, I would cast Jessica.

So for that reason and that reason alone, I own this little terd.

Interesting, ain't I?

Amanda By Night

Anonymous said...

I dare you to review "Fever Lake", the slasher-looking-but-not-really-slasher flick we saw a clip of in this movie (and by the same guy -- almost enough said). No s*** -- we're talking Bo Hopkins; Corey Haim; incomprehensible "deaths"; a wise, humorless, really really white-looking Indian; and Linnea Quigley (not really, but she should have been) in the same mess of a movie. I double-dog dare ya!