FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

May 31, 2006

Final Girl Has Risen from the Grave

Just imagine...there I was, trapped underneath a pile of debris on the bottom of Crystal Lake. Damn that telekinetic Lar Park Lincoln and her resurrected father!

I thought that perhaps, finally, this was truly the end of me. I lay under that crumbled dock for weeks! Rotting! Stinking! All chained up with no one to love kill!

Lucky for me, however, a couple of horny teens came putt-putt-putting along the lake in their own personal Love Boat. Also lucky for me is the fact that there are high-voltage power cables running along the sandy lake floor! Even luckier for me- can you believe it? I should play Lotto, I swear!- the horny teens' anchor plowed right into that power cable!

With a mighty "ZZZAAKKK!!", I broke free from my chains (much like Wilson Phillips), rose up from the watery depths, and thanked the horny teens for their with the business end of my speargun. And no, silly, that's not a euphemism!

So I'm back...a wee bit waterlogged, a tiny bit slimy, sorta oozy...but back and better than ever! I'm a-puttin' on a fresh hockey mask and a-gettin' down to business.

Ki-ki-ki
Ma-ma-ma
Do-do-do
Re-re-re
Mi-mi-mi

12 comments:

Goose said...

Glad to see you well. I was begining to jones for the blog I love so much. With out a dose of your wit I cannot complete my daily ritual sacrafice of coworkers fragile egos. How I long for the grinding of their feeble little thoughts. How I yern for.....What? Huh? Oh sorry I got lost in day dream for a minute there.
Anyway...Glad your back.

Josh said...

Kill them, Stacie! Kill them all!

al k. haul said...

ah ha ha ha ha! nice.

Chadwick H. Saxelid said...

Wait, the Final Girl IS the killer? Argh!

W-welcome baaaaaaaaaa-ack...

Mistah Wade said...

i thought it might have been

ko-ko-ko-ko
mo-mo-mo-mo
ko-ko-ko-ko
mo-mo-mo-mo

or is it a faux pas to mix blogs

theron said...

...or you were obssessed with playing video games for a week straight. You really should take a shower, btw...

Stacie Ponder said...

Dammit, Randy, now the song is stuck in my head!!

Theron...my videogame bender only lasted THREE DAYS, so there.

What happened was a simple, crippling double bout of computer and movie ennui. 'Tis a deadly combination, not unlike soda and Pop Rocks. I couldn't bring myself to research stuff on the computer, nor could I bring myself to watch a movie...which meant zero activity here, unfortunately. Every day I thought "I should just announce an official 2-week hiatus or something", but I didn't want to admit I was actually taking time off for whatever reason. I'm a fool! A FOOL, I tells ya! But now I feel as fresh as a Summer's Eve.

Apparently I've reveled too much about myself if you could even GUESS that a videogame might be a cause for my absence. Like I said...it was only three days anyway. An ugly, ugly three days that somehow, in the darkest recesses of my soul, seems like some sort of pathetic but seretly cool achievement.

Stacie Ponder said...

Oh, and thanks for the welcomes, everyone. :)

theron said...

...we missed you, Stacie Ponder. We really, really did...

mc pvc said...

yes, we did.

theron said...

See?

brian said...

ALIVE! It's ALIVE! ... see how my oldskooliness weazled its way into your slasheriness?
Anyway.. glad you are back!
Now... just put down the controller and back away very very slowly ....keep your hands where I can see 'em!