FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Sep 28, 2006

I like those odds!

Here's a handy chart that will make you paranoid or will set your mind at ease: your odds of dying in various ways! Hooray! Click to enlarge! Hooray again!

I read that chart and thought two things:

1) My chances of dying by legal execution are much higher than I ever thought they were. See, I'd been living my life in a way that I thought would ensure that my chances of dying by legal execution were...well, zero. Having discovered that in actuality my chances are 1 in 62,648, I guess I'd might as well throw caution to the wind and do whatever I want. This means I'll finally be able to settle the score against Rue McClanahan once and for all.

2) The chart is missing some very important data, such as...what exactly are my chances of dying in a zombie holocaust? I must know! I voiced my concern on The Internet and my pal and Fenton & Fenton, Boy Detectives co-conspirator Kevin Melrose suggested I re-do the chart with more pertinent information...the odds of dying various horror movie deaths. I always do what Kevin tells me to do, and so I present to you people...the odds of dying various horror movie deaths:


I'm not sure how I feel right now. Sure, chances of dying like Ally did in Sleepaway Camp II are pretty low, but geez...given the odds, there could be crazy inbred cannibals living right on my block!

17 comments:

Amanda By Night said...

I actually knew someone who's father died from firework discharge (that sounds so dirty!). He was making them illegally in his van in the desert. I think ups the odds a bit. He blew himself 20 feet away from the van via the front window and laid there for about 2 days before he was discovered. The girl was a bitch, but I kind of still felt sorry for her.

Did I miss the getting eaten by a megaladon number?

Amanda By Night

Josh said...

I'm not liking those odds of creepy black haired Japanese ghost...

Also, where is killed while dreaming?

Josh DeSlasher said...

Where's the "death by flag pole dropping"? Hmm? Sillyness for non-inclusion.

Hehe. Just joshing. This list actually makes me smile. Mmm, yay.

-bodyhorror

Stacie Ponder said...

I had to make some tough choices regarding what to include here, because I wanted the number of odds to remain the same between the two charts.

I tried to be general in most cases- "stabbing", "zombie bite"...so I think something like a Megalodon attack would fall under "Animals gone amok". Death while dreaming...hmm...that would have been a good one to include, but I guess I was thinking of Freddy specifics-- I almost included "turned into a motorcycle".

The specific examples I've included- "Death by outhouse", "Football-with-a-sword-attached" are simply some of my "favorite", I guess you'd call 'em, random horror movie deaths. Choosing only one of Angela's greatest hits was REALLY tough!!

Good lord, I think I put way too much time into this...I feel like a fucking mathemagical scientist nerd!

Josh said...

Ah, turned into motorcycle. A favorite from a movie that's far from. I also like "turned into cockroach", and in a non-Freddy kill "jumping into bed of barbed wire".

cattleworks said...

Stabbed in the face by several poles or steel tubes coming suddenly through the windshield is something i hope is a longshot.

But the odds for getting offed by longhaired Japanese ghosts is unnervingly high, WTF?! WTFingF?!

But, mostly i wanted to ask: IS there actually a movie where you turn into a man-eating lizard because a moon rock is lodged in your head? Please, what is its name?

Stacie Ponder said...

Yeah, the odds of being killed by a long-haired Japanese ghost are high, simply because virtually EVERY Asian horror flick features said ghost. There's THOUSANDS of them out there!!

Cattle...yes, such a movie exists- Track of the Moon Beast, baby. It's awful, and yet it's got its place in my heart. I haven't seen it in a while, and now I'm questioning that "shot to death" bit...somehow, I think there might be lasers involved, or explosions. That could just be because I love lasers and explosions, though.

Josh said...

If you love Lasers and Explosions, then Laserblast is the film for you! Plus the hero (who turns green because he has a laser lodged onto his arm) is shot to death.(spoiler)

CRwM said...

Looking at this chart has completely put my fears of "death by belt sander to the face followed by impalement on the handle of a shovel" in the proper context. I was a fool to lose so much of my life to such an irrational fear.

Thank you for giving me my life back. Your chart is brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Zombie bite is a bit lower than I would have thought...

And, I don't know what it's like where you live, but beaten to death by snowsuit-clad dwarves seems awfully low to me...

Amanda By Night said...

Stacie and Cattleworks,

I have Track of the Moonbeast. Perhaps I shall burn a copy for you guys.

It's totally horrible and kind of brilliant at the same time. I love the slutty blonde. But mostly I love that song.... Is it "California Girl"? The Moonbeast is god!

Amanda By Night said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Stacie Ponder said...

You know...I have Track of the Moon Beast in one of those '50 Mostly Awful Horror Movies for $7' packs. I think I need to watch it again and post about it...I have so many fond memories! It's really terrible.

Josh...I think you're right. Laserblast sounds awesome. I'd totally be willing to turn green if it meant having a laser lodged in my arm. Small price to pay, I think.

"Thank you for giving me my life back."
crwm, I swear, if I had a dime for every time I've been told that...

:D

Anonymous said...

Shiny! Thanks for this.

Corey said...

i love this list. i was kind of chuckling 80% of the way through it, but it became milk-out-the-nose funny by the last four. i know where 3 of those 4 come from... but what's the snowsuit-clad dwarves one?

LASERBLAST and TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST are both mst3k movies, so definitely check those out if you've only seen the clean versions.

Anonymous said...

Track of the Moonbeast is on archive.org:
http://www.archive.org/details/TrackoftheMoonBeast

Somebody made a guitar tab for the theme song:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075343/board/nest/142448236

Rik

Stacie Ponder said...

It's a reference to THE BROOD.

I really need to see those mst3k cuts, you're right!!