FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE...beware yon spoilers!

Jul 4, 2007

ID4

Happy Fourth of July to all of you Yankee Bastards out there!

For those of you who aren't Yankee Bastards, let me explain. July 4th is a holiday wherein Americans take the day off from work, eat hot dogs, get wasted, and shoot off illegal fireworks to celebrate that fateful day 700 years ago when Christopher Columbus staved off an alien invasion simply by throwing tea leaves in their dumb alien faces. This became known as "The Boston Tea Party", an event dramatized in both Independence Day, starring Will Smith, and Signs, starring Mel Gibson. It's an important day for America, so everyone around the world should raise a hot dog and fire off some cherry bombs in our honor.

In other news, can someone please explain the appeal of those illegal fireworks to me? I don't mean the big, grand, professional displays that are shown on television and hosted by the likes of Leeza Gibbons and Al Roker...I mean the little ones that people shoot off in their backyards that go "Wheeeeeeee POP!" and there's a little flash of light. I just don't get it. What's the point? If someone wants to experience a little flash of light and an obnoxious loud noise, then they should come over and I can poke them in the eyes and clap my hands in their ear. I'd even do it for free, demonstrating the true Spirit of America.

16 comments:

sir jorge said...

IN regards to illegal fireworks.

The appeal when I was a kid, was that we couldn't afford to see real fireworks, and the televisions weren't showing anything great.

We lived in the ghetto deep in los angeles, where there are no professional fireworks, or anything cool happening.

So we would buy a 5 dollar pack of illegal ones and see some cool fountains, or random other light effects.

We never bought the ones that just screamed and popped though...

I never found interest in those particular kinds.

Bill Walsh said...

Hey, they're legal in these parts. You need to blow something up, Stacie, just stop on by.

Happy Fourth!

Anonymous said...

It's a guy thing... It involves shooting your best friend in the ass 10-20 times or until his pants catch fire with those 'WEEEEEE............. Bang!' bottle rockets. After which said best friend retaliates with something known as a 'Saturn Missile Battery' which is nothing more than 25-100 of those WEEEE-bang bottle rockets fused together but without a guidance system (so much as a stick is at least). The results after the SMB include such options as either a 'Roman Candle', the Cease-fire/light a string of firecrackers off in his backpocket deception, the Really Frickin' BIG bottle rockets that sound like a jet taking off, or my personal favorite... I return MORTAR FIRE! Or any other mixture of escalation you can afford. :)
I've been called the Harry S. Truman of the 4th though so don't let my examples set your personal Rules of Engagement. On a serious note though, I also make my own and there is a certain satisfaction to seeing your work go up in a flash and a puff of smoke. Trust me when I say it's not an easy hobby not particularly 'safe' either w/o stringent safety precautions and procedures. But I DO love me some BOOMS!!! Oh and in most communities you have to go over a half kilogram of explosive powder(each!) to be illegal... and I mean come on, how long a fuse can really use and still look manly running away right?

Still Chop-a-holic incognito

Theron said...

I'm afraid I've moved on from fireworks. As a child of the '70s, I almost blew my hand off multiple times with cherry bombs. We used to have Roman candle wars at point blank range, resulting in second degree burns for the losers (I have no scars - yay me!).

So, I wish y'all a happy fourth of July. Everyone have fun, but show up tomorrow with all your digits and limbs intact. That way, you'll be able to cover your eyes more effectively during the scary parts...but, then again, a blown-off finger DOES look pretty cool...hmmm. Okay, you decide. Fingers - yes or no?

spazmo said...

That's so funny.
Last night all I could hear was Wheeee--- POP over and over and over.

I was tempted to throw open the window and yell "Canada Day was TWO bloody days ago, so give it a freaking rest already!."

So enjoy your dogs and Boston Harbour-flavored tea, you Yankee Doodles!

Steven said...

"I'd even do it for free, demonstrating the true Spirit of America."

Pinko.

Anonymous said...

Poor idiot doesn't even know her history Columbus discovered an island, which lead to the Spanish government sending the ancestors of today's illegal aliens who invaded South America and Mexico, raped, stole gold and whatever other resources they could lay their hands on, tortured and enslaved the true indigenous people.

These days, they pretend that they are the indigenous ones, claiming they were here before.. when the reality was they came further north and repeated the raping, murdering and pillaging against the indigenous people that were native to this land.

Now you, who are as ignorant, and unstable as they are, play out the same idiotic game. You are little more than a diseased piece of waste. There's nothing even remotely relevant about you.. just the same hate and vile spewing as any right wing nut bag. Pathetic.

Mariana said...

Happy 4th of July, Stacie! I hope you did something fun.

Stacie Ponder said...

Damn you, anonymous, for pointing out the truth here at Final Girl- namely, that I am an ignorant, diseased piece of waste.

I had no idea about the real history of America, as I was but a poor child, gleaned on a public school education. Do you mean to tell me that The Boston Tea Party didn't happen 700 years ago, and that aliens...I mean outer space aliens...didn't at one time invade this country? I'd been hording tea leaves in case they ever returned, for under was under the impression that history had proven them to be our greatest weapon.

Though the truth hurts- she cuts deep! I can only say thank you for exposing me as a "hate and vile spewing right wing nut bag". I've tried to keep my right wing hate and vile spewing to a minimum here, but clearly I've lost all control. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I beg to differ on a few points, however. I'm not unstable, you see, but my evil twin sister is.

And my "Where's the beef?" t-shirt is nothing if not completely relevant.

Anonymous said...

"Pinko Stacie Rapes the Incas!"
-Worth a look if you can catch it on cable. Dyanne Thorne is splendid in her small but indelible role as Ingrid, the Incan Inquistrix.

Theron said...

Isn't it weird that pretty much every role Dyanne Thorne played had the "-trix" suffix at the end of it? I guess she found a niche. God, I love her...

Stacie Ponder said...

"Pinko Stacie Rapes the Incas!"

That is a good one. There's a Special Edition DVD due out soon, from what I hear. It's going to contain a commentary track as well as a 'making of' documentary, 50 Virgins and a Pinko: Right Wing Nutbaggery in the Tomb of Xoacoatlquetzloxoa

James said...

Are you a right wing nut-bag? I'm pretty conservative & love my zombie/horror genre, but I figure I'm a rarity. Anyhow. Cute blog.

~James

cattleworks said...

Whew!
Tough house!
But some pretty funny edgey comedy!

Stacie Ponder said...

Thanks for the kind words, James...hope you stick around. No, I can't say that I'm really a right-wing nutbag, which is partially why Good Ol' Anonnie's comment cracked me up so much. I tend to keep personal stuff and politics out of Final Girl, so all those labels I got slapped with were surprising. And funny.

Right-wing nutbags are certainly welcome, though.

peregrine fforbes hamilton (formerly of her majestys grenadier guards). said...

i actually thought that steve miners remake of "day of the dead" was not only better than romero`s original, but also a much better film than "the dark knight" which i thought was ludicrously over-rated, just think about that for a moment and remember that miner`s film didn`t even get a cinema release in north america !!!