Happy Fourth of July to all of you Yankee Bastards out there!
For those of you who aren't Yankee Bastards, let me explain. July 4th is a holiday wherein Americans take the day off from work, eat hot dogs, get wasted, and shoot off illegal fireworks to celebrate that fateful day 700 years ago when Christopher Columbus staved off an alien invasion simply by throwing tea leaves in their dumb alien faces. This became known as "The Boston Tea Party", an event dramatized in both Independence Day, starring Will Smith, and Signs, starring Mel Gibson. It's an important day for America, so everyone around the world should raise a hot dog and fire off some cherry bombs in our honor.
In other news, can someone please explain the appeal of those illegal fireworks to me? I don't mean the big, grand, professional displays that are shown on television and hosted by the likes of Leeza Gibbons and Al Roker...I mean the little ones that people shoot off in their backyards that go "Wheeeeeeee POP!" and there's a little flash of light. I just don't get it. What's the point? If someone wants to experience a little flash of light and an obnoxious loud noise, then they should come over and I can poke them in the eyes and clap my hands in their ear. I'd even do it for free, demonstrating the true Spirit of America.