FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE...beware yon spoilers!

Aug 10, 2007

broken-hearted

There are three reasons why I picked up a copy of Lovers Lane (1999): 1) it's a slasher, 2) it was $1.99, and 3) it stars Anna Faris. I love love loooooove Anna Faris, and if you've seen any of the Scary Movies, or May, or The Hot Chick, then you should love her, too. She just plain rocks.

And yes, I said The Hot Chick. I can't help myself, I think it's funny. Well, it's not entirely funny, but the parts that make me laugh really make me laugh, so I like it. Listen, I bet you secretly like some piece of shit movie, too, so don't act all big because I like The Hot Chick.

Ahem. Speaking of piece of shit movies, let's cast our insecurities aside for a moment and discuss Lovers Lane, shall we?

Like any good and proper slasher film, Lovers Lane opens with a prologue set during a holiday: Valentine's Day, to be exact. A couple is killed whilst in flagrante out on...you guessed it...lovers lane by a cuckoo nutso with a hook for a hand. The dude is caught immediately and taken away to an insane asylum.

Cut to 13 years later, and Valentine's Day approaches. An exclusively whitebread sampling of horny teens gets into wacky teen hijinks and they decide to head out to lover's lane...or something, I think. It was all a little vague. The point here is that Jannelle (Faris) must really like being a cheerleader, because she wears her uniform throughout the entire film, both in and out of school.

Meanwhile, back at the asylum, Good Ol' Hooky's "Dr Loomis", Dr Grefe, is having a hard time connecting with his patient. There seemed to be a lack of communication or something...I'll admit, however, I wasn't really paying attention. I was far too busy trying to figure out why Dr Grefe looked so damn familiar...was Red Buttons starring as Dr Grefe? No, that wasn't right. Finally it came to me- it was friggin' Les Nessman from WKRP in Cinncinnati as the doctor. Once I figured that out, I could rest easy and start listening again.

In a frightening turn of events, Good Ol' Hooky manages to escape the asylum. He even gets his signature weapon back, as Dr Grefe conveniently kept the hook displayed on his desk under a bell jar. Oh, you'd like to keep the weapon for yourself, doctor? Sure, why not! Evidence, shmevidence!

Before he left the hospital, though, Good Ol' Hooky left a chilling message written in blood on the wall. C-H-I-L-L-I-N-G, I say. Seriously. You might want to have someone with you when you look at the screen cap below, you know, to hold hands with or something because you'll be scared to death. I myself was terrified. Even looking at it now makes me a tad uneasy...

See? I told you! I'm just glad I wasn't watching it alone.

Good Ol' Hooky heads back to his former killing grounds to...uh, kill the horny teens. Man, forget Michael Myers...this dude should be called The Shape. Throughout the film, he was always hiding in the background, just out of sight. He was so inconspicuous, no one really knew he was there. It was like you thought your eyes were playing tricks on you- "Wait, was that the killer I just saw? No...no, it couldn't have been. Must've been a shadow." Talk about scary!

The teens are picked off one by one until we reach a conclusion that defies any and all logic you might try to use to try to understand it. Honestly, deciphering string theory or the rotation of Foucault's Pendulum is easier than deciphering the finale of Lovers Lane.

In addition to the ludicrous-yet-boring story, the film is also horrible to behold. I don't know whether or not I simply got a poor DVD transfer, but the sound levels fluctuated wildly throughout (the TV would have to be turned way up for one scene, then I'd be deafened in the next) and there were times that the darkness onscreen was impenetrable. Can you figure out what's going on in this shot? Hint: there's nudity!

Now, all these checkmarks in the "suck" column don't mean that the film was a total wash. I did get to play a rousing game of "Wig or No Wig?" from scene to scene throughout the entire film with horny teen's mom-cum-high school principal Penny Lamson (Suzanne Bouchard). Here, I'll show you how it goes:

No wig!

Wig!

No wig, with condom

Wig, sans condom

No wig, dumb expression

Wig, dumb expression

Another highlight, and perhaps my favorite part of the film, occurred when Jannelle got really scared and decided to arm herself...with four knives. I have no idea whether or not it supposed to be intentionally funny, but it was awesome so I'm going to assume that Anna Faris decided to do it all on her own.

Last but not least, I think we can say with confidence that Lovers Lane boasts what has to be one of the worst fake dog heads ever committed to film. For reals, y'all...that shit looks like a cake.

There's a part of me...a small part of me...that thinks this film is a straight-faced parody of a slasher film. Maybe it's poking fun without being all nudge-nudge like Scream (and countless Scream ripoffs)...I mean, at one rewind-worthy point, Principal Wig punches out one of her female students for no good reason. Then there's that chilling message written in blood. Then there's Jannelle defending herself with four knives. Then there's the ending, in which basically everyone left alive is the killer. Could Lovers Lane be a subversive slice of slasher cinema? Sure, why not?

But then, what do I know? After all, I like The Hot Chick.

17 comments:

spazmo said...

Link malfunction!
Must see pic of fake cake-like dog-head!

(Just watched "Candyman" tonight on the Space Channel. Now that was an awesome severed dog-head.)

Stacie Ponder said...

But...I'm on a different computer now and I can see the dog head. Am I imagining it? Can anyone else see it?

Anonymous said...

The doggie head was there for me.

Jason Meek said...

no doggie head (or any other pics for the post) for me either. However, I think I must watch this movie anyway. Sounds like too much fun to pass up.

Sad man said...

I can see the pics just fine.

I've seen LOVER'S LANE, just because of Anna Faris. It was released here (Argentina) shortly after SCARY MOVIE hit theaters. Obviously, Anna was the best part about it. And her death was pretty cool and lame at the same time. Did you know she met her husband while shooting this? He plays one of the teens...don't ask me which one, I don't remember any of them except Janelle (Anna). Oh, and the ending made no sense at all. If I'm not mistaken, I remember 3 killers.

Stacie Ponder said...

Hmm...I wonder what's up with the pics. Maybe it's your web browser? I have no clue, but this post is 88% better with the pictures!

Yeah, Sad Man, I realized when I watched the credits that one of the horny teens was her husband. Or ex-husband now.

Mariana said...

The pictures don't show up for me either. Mysterious...

Stacie Ponder said...

Now I'm not seeing the pictures...must be a Blogger problem. Dang!

Jason Meek said...

I have post enhancing pics now. Yeah! I'm going to blockbuster after work and renting this for the weekend. I can't wait. Good summer fun.

Pierce said...

The pictures didn't load for me originally, but now they show.

Now that I've seen the pictures I think I have a theory. Is it possible that Jannelle heard about the message on the wall, armed herself with the knives in an attempt to cut up and serve everybody some delicious dog head cake? I mean, doesn't cake make everyone happy?

rural juror said...

Anna Faris probably did decide it one her own and the director said, 'Sure...why the hell not!'

Seems like a lot of that may have been going on.

Theron said...

I've never heard of this flick.

Hey, Stacie, did you finally see "May"?

Stacie Ponder said...

Jason- I think you'll definitely get some chuckles out of this movie. Pair it with a nice 6-pack and you've got yourself a good time.

Pierce- I myself love a piece of cake, and I like your theory. I bet that's what's really going on, and I bet Anna Faris thought of that herself, too.

Theron- I saw May quite a while ago...either before I started FG or I simply never reviewed it. I really enjoyed all the performances- Angela Bettis rox my sox- but I wasn't as enamoured with the film as most people seem to be. I liked it, but I didn't love it. But the acting was tops.

insomniac said...

I love your theory Peirce, I myself was thinking almost the same thing.

I think I might just pick this one up for the good ol groan and laugh flick of the week.

Sad man said...

I loved MAY. And Anna Faris is sooo sexy in it that she would turn any gay guy straight and any straight girl gay. It's true, it made a friend of mine a lesbian for a month or two. We got together and had pop tarts every night.

spazmo said...

Cake-like indeed! You could stick birthday candles into that thing!

Say, is that a slice of German Shepherd's Pie on the bottom shelf?

Bill Walsh said...

Mmm... dog-head cake...