FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Sep 26, 2008

awesome movie poster friday- the RAY HARRYHAUSEN edition!

There's no snarky commentary to accompany these beauts.

Okay, the fourth 20 Million Miles to Earth poster kind of looks like the monster is peeing. But that's it!

Clearly I need some CotT.

edit: oh, and there'll be more Harryhausen goodness next week!





















Sep 25, 2008

childhood nightmares: MEDUSA

Medusa, Clash of the Titans (1981)

Stop-motion or not, this Gorgon broad absolutely scared the bejesus out of me when I was a wee bonny lass. With all those writhing snakes atop her head, Medusa was a nightmare brought to life courtesy of animation guru Ray Harryhausen. Frightening to behold (aduh- so much so that she'd turn you to stone), she was also a crackshot archer- if only she were prettier, she might've been Olympics bound- and she'd kill you before you even knew you were dead.

That doesn't make any sense.

Or does it?

No, it doesn't. The point is, she's all ten kinds of stealthy ninja, as she slithers around her underground temple, only the occasional soft rattle of her tail giving her away.

Director Desmond Davis plays it smart, building tension by introducing her via a shadow on the wall- and man, is it effective. Medusa was the Universal Monster of my childhood...she gave me nightmares, but not so much that I couldn't watch Clash of the Titans over and over and over...

Sure, Perseus defeats Medusa, as heroes are wont to do. She may have even deserved that beheading...and to a nine year old, the animated blood oozing out of her neck stump was beyond grody in the most awesome way.

Still, I've always had sympathy for Ol' Gorgie. I mean, it's not her fault she's so hideous- in fact, she wasn't even born that way. Rather, being transformed from a beautiful maiden into terrifying, scaly, snake-haired beast was her punishment for...for...well, for being raped, essentially. I bet she was wearing a low-cut blouse!

Medusa just wants to be left alone, just wants to hang out all by her lonesome in the dark, when along comes the handsome young hero to take her head to us as a weapon in his bid to save a beautiful young maiden. Ain't that always the way?

It's best not to think about it too much. The important thing here is that she's scary.

Watch her battle with Perseus via YouTube!

Sep 24, 2008

briefs

There's a particularly cracked-out column by yours truly over at AMC today, talking about...err...imaginary TV shows for horror icons. Or something like that. Read, comment, recommend, read and comment and recommend! If we all band together, I'm sure The Leatherface Show can become a reality. Let's dare to dream, kids!

Providing further proof that he is the man, Arbogast has a wonderful post today suggesting that all you Californians vote A BIG FUCKING FAT NO on Proposition 8 come election time. For those of you not in the know, that's the proposed amendment that would ban gay marriage. I'm not one to blog about politics, but you know...I'm pretty sure gay marriage won't 1) affect or "demean" the marriages of heterosexual couples, and 2) bring about the end of the world...unless, of course, Alucarda is one of the brides. That might very well signal the end of times, but that's got all to do with her Beelzebubbin' ways, not her lesbionics!

Vote NO for the lesbian vampires of the world! Vote NO for the dads in Sleepaway Camp! Vote NO for Michael Myers and Dr Loomis!

Vote NO because it's the right thing to do.

Sep 23, 2008

i've got all the patterns down up until the 9th key

Since last week's AMPF, I've been virtually unable to stop thinking about The Boneyard. Any movie that combines Phyllis Diller, Norman fell, living corpses, and poodles (both living and zombied) is really nothing more than one of my wet dreams caught on film.

Yes, I went there. Don't judge me!

My Boneyard fever (which, surprisingly enough, is remarkably similar to Pac-Man fever) only intensified after I sought out the trailer. Pay extra special attention around the 1:28 mark- if that's a reanimated Phyllis Diller, then honestly...Hollywood can just shut the fuck down right now. The greatest movie that could ever be made has already been made, and it is The Boneyard!



I'm digging on that trailer big time. Maybe it's the narrator's voice, maybe it's the title font...whatever "it" is, that trailer has a definite 70s vibe, which is surprising considering the movie was made in 1991- not exactly a banner year for horror. I don't know how I've managed to exist so long without seeing this movie. My life, clearly, has been lacking!

Sep 19, 2008

awesome movie poster friday- the MORE VHS BOX ART edition!

Okay, I don't even want to know what exactly a lady-shaped gun would shoot.


From the coolest box art for the worst effing movie department:


Wait...so there's no time to scream, but then I'm silently screaming which isn't even possible to begin with? Quit messing with my head, Silent Scream!

Kitties are "lusting" for humans? Really? Eww.


Okay, yeah yeah, I get the whole mind-Stockholm Syndrome thing. But turning her body against her? What, did they make her punch herself in the face? "Stop hitting yourself..."


I need to see this RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. This casting is way too good to be true.

Uh, yes...yes, it is. Just ask that bitch who almost beat me at Clue that one time...oh wait, you can't. She's dead. Here's the solution: Final Girl in the den with her fists!

That fate is obviously being trapped within a never-ending series of Halloween masks.

So...the jitters are like herpes? Suddenly everything makes sense!

ch-ch-ch-changes

I am such an absentee parent, and for this I am ashamed. Let us, however, accentuate the positive, hmm? Like, that I got a haircut. And also...

You may or may not have noticed that I cleaned house around here a bit, adding fancy pants graphic links in the sidebar. It was getting seriously cluttered over there and it needed some prettification. Now if you click, say, the Awesome Movie Poster Friday pic, it'll magically zap you to a page listing all of said Fridays. Isn't that amazing? It is. Don't try to deny it.

In related news, I've started labeling posts- in fact, I went back and tagged my entire archive which took forever. FOR-EVER. Some of the labels are actually helpful...the rest...well, I have no idea. I thought they were funny and/or strangely appropriate when I was making them, but I'm sure I was all methed out at the time. Please take this into consideration before you judge me!

My pimp-fu has been seriously lacking of late and I've been neglecting to post here whenever my AMC columns have gone up. What's old news to me is new news to some however, and you may care to thrill to my musings on eeeevil sidekicks and/or disaster movies.

From the news almost completely unrelated to horror department: Ghostella's Haunted Tomb star, Final Girl Film Club member, and my bestest pal in the whole entire universe, the amazing Bridget McManus is moving from the online world to the TV world tonight when her talk show Brunch With Bridget airs on LOGO at 2am. Wait, is that tonight or tomorrow morning? Eh, semantics shmemantics. Regardless, Brunch has gone from an email pitch to a TV show in about 8 months, which is quite an achievement. That's less time than it takes to make a human!

Watch it, DVR it, send her congratulatory comments and vibes, and click here to check out the promo spot for the show. Fuck this clicking links shit! Here's her opener...



I've been obsessed with Madge the Manicurist since I remembered her existence late last night. What a whirlwind 9 hours it's been!

Sep 10, 2008

Film Club 2: The Repickening

October is approaching fast, kiddies, and I, for one, cannot wait. I have no idea yet what kind of SHOCKtober shenanigans I'll be cooking up around these parts- suggestions are welcome- but it'll surely be rad. It's the most wonderful time of the year, am I right?

Set the Wayback Machine to AWESOME and grab yourself a copy of next month's Film Club selection:

Yes, people, a movie combining the magical magic of Joan Crawford, William Castle, and axe murders actually exists! And we will all hold cyber-hands and watch it together, and then we will have a big cyber-wedding because UNDOUBTEDLY everyone will want to marry this movie when it's all over.

Netflixites can click here to queue that shit up.

The film: Strait-Jacket
The due date: Monday, October 6


Get outta here already, September!

Sep 8, 2008

Film Club: The Food of the Gods

Dear Diary,

I know, I know, I KNOW! Please don't get all "up in my grill", LOL, but I've done it again. I went and jumped in whole hog (does that make sense? LOL) before I knew what I was getting myself into and now I'm sitting here nursing a cup of coffee and a broken heart!!!1!! I should know better and you're probably rolling your eyes and being all "I told you so" because we can count the number of times this has happened to me on 24859 hands. But how does that saying go? Better to have loved and lost than something something something, right? Right! But let me tell you about my night and what happened. Oh, and I need to write down that "easy layered tomato dip" from the back of the Wheat Thins box before I forget! Note to self: right write it down, it looks deelish although I should stay away from so much cream cheese LOL.

Anyway. Okay, so, I remember the first time I heard about Food of the Gods (1976) and I got sooo excited! I think I was at a party or something, or maybe somebody said something? Anyway (again, LOL), but seriously, I was like "Giant animals running amok? Ida Lupino? Marjoe fucking Gortner?" I think I'm in love!", like I was crushing soooo hard. Then I saw FotG in the store and I read the DVD case and I was crushing even harder, so I was like, why don't we move in together?

See? I know what you're thinking. Why do I go so fast? Why not wait it out with a rental or a Netflix or something, why am I just, like, automatically pledging myself forever and making a move-in commitment right off the bat when it so rarely works out? Does nothing ever go right for me? I feel so Cathy, LOL!

So last night, things were going so boss that I was all, okay, yes! This movie is so definitely the one, because let me tell you, FotG was really turning on the charm.

See, there was this island where Mr and Mrs Skinner found this porridge-fall in the woods, right? And they were such stupid country folk that they thought it was oil, despite the fact that the stuff looks nothing like oil. Then they figured out it wasn't oil, and so they figured "Well, since it's not oil, we're not going to get rich off it. Might as well feed it to the chickens!" which is pretty dumb, right diary? I mean, there are lots of things in the world that aren't oil, but that doesn't make those things appropriate to feed to chickens, LOL!

This magic porridge is The Food of the Gods, yo. When youngsters eat it, it makes them big. And I do mean BIG! Like I said, at this point in the evening, FotG was pulling out all the stops to get me to fall in love. Marjoe fucking Gortner was this football player who visited the island and straight off he battles a giant rooster (he wins by the way).

His friend is attacked by a bunch of big wasps that are totally plastic models and I was all, "Yessssssss!"

Some big rats attack Mr Skinner when he's on his way home and the scene alternates between regular rats on a model VW and giant fake rats on a regular VW and I was all, "Rock on!"


Food of the Gods was all "Oh yeah, this is my friend Ida Lupino- watch her get bitten by some huge maggots" and I was, like, "Okay, I am SO GLAD we moved in together, FotG. You get a t-shirt with my picture on it, and I'll get a t-shirt with your picture on it, and then we'll wear them when we go on dates, and then we'll get married!"

I know it seems extra-fast to be talking marriage when I'd only known Food for about 25 minutes, but come on! It was totally sweet and it understood me like no one's ever understood me before. We really connected, you know? Like when there was another wasp attack, only this time it featured the worst special effects I've ever seen in any movie in the history of ever! Like, these were totally wasps made out of cellophane or something- they were totes see-through- and then they disappeared in puffs of black smoke when they got shot. I was so happy I wanted to get a cellophane wasp tattooed on my face- that's how in love I was. And I meant it!


But then...I don't know, diary. Something changed. Food of the Gods was all "It's time for the humans to fight back!" which is okay, I mean, I'm a human and I don't want to get stung to death by giant wasps, even if they are see-through, LOL! But what happened was, rats started getting hurt...like, real rats, getting...I don't know, shot and drowned and stuff and it was REALLY UPSETTING. I couldn't even look! Seriously, I had to turn away during all the fight scenes, because I knew that when Marjoe fucking Gortner busted out a shotgun, rats were really going to to get blasted and it just wasn't cool.

I swear, it was like Food of the Gods had turned into Ted Bundy or something! Like, how can someone so charming and attractive turn out to be so eeeevil? I felt duped, and I was like, "I don't even know who you are anymore, FotG," and I mean I really said that. You should be proud of me, diary! I said, why not shoot fake rats? And Food was like "I dunno", like it couldn't even come up with an excuse. So I said, maybe we shouldn't live together anymore, and then Food was like "Wait wait wait, what about this?" and then Ida Lupino had a fight to the death with a giant fake rat and they die together like this:

I swear, I almost caved in! But I held strong and I said no! You can't just do one little (admittedly awesome) thing and expect me to forget all the bad things you did...I think you should go now. Diary, it was like I was living in that Whitney Houston song that goes "It's not right, but it's okay, I'm gonna make it anyway" it was so cool. I felt great about it, even though I felt bad about it because I really wanted things to work between me and Food of the Gods and I'm trying not to be depressed about it because I really felt like we were a perfect match- and most of the time, we were. If FotG hadn't turned out to be a homicidal maniac, I'd totally be getting that cellophane wasp tattoo right this second. But alas, alack, it is not to be. I know in the end it's not my fault, but right now that's a small comfort. Next time, I won't jump in so fast! I know, you're all, like, "Yeah, right!" LOL. Oh, and before I forget:

8 oz cream cheese spread
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 small tomatoes, chopped
1/3 cup green onions (*note: maybe substitute regular onions?)
1/4 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
some WHEAT THINS

MIX cream cheese and garlic
SPREAD onto plate
TOP with onions, tomatoes, cheese
SERVE as dip with CRACKERS

Hugz-n-stuff,

FG

________________________________

Film Club Coolies, y'all!

Comedy Double Standards
Freddy in Space
Full Moon Reviews
Evil on Two Legs
Zombie Cupcake
Acheter et entretenir sa tronconneuse (c'est French, ca!)
namtab
Club Silencio
Bloody Good Horror
Horror Film Magazine
Friend Mouse Speaks
StinkyLulu
Gorillanaut
Celeberrimous
Awesomeness For Awesome's Sake
I Am Spartickes
My New Plaid Pants (finally!)

Sep 5, 2008

the string around your finger

Don't forget, Film Clubbers! Monday is Food of the Gods day! 'Twill be a most righteous day all 'round yon internette. I can't wait!!

Email your review links to me: stacieponder (at) gmail.com (don't forget to link to/mention the film clu somewhere in your review!) and help make Monday awesome. Boing!

awesome movie poster friday- the VHS BOX ART edition!

From the "Cheap VHS knockoff? How dare you, madame! I never...eh. Yeah, you got me" department:


How many halves does this thing in the pit have, exactly?

From the Holy Fucking Shit, I Need To See This Movie RIGHT NOW Department:

Eh. You oughta see what's living inside my George Foreman Grill! *ba-dum-tish*


"Take that, pool of blood-shaped woman!"


Please tell me I'm not the only one who can see them- the visible invisible dead.


With that tagline, this movie could also be about farts. I am just saying.


The most frightening cover art ever? Is he a giant, or is she smurf-size?


This almost looks more irritating than anything else: "Quit fondling my face, bloody ape!"


Is this a now-live dead person having fun at a party, or is it a formerly-live person who died whilst having fun?

This cover for Body Shop is one of the greatest examples of the lurid nature of VHS box art. It goes without saying that the movies are rarely as hardcore as the box leads you to believe they are. Browsing the horror section in the video store back in the day was a head trip- everything was so seedy! It all felt forbidden and naughty, and if you dared to rent one of these puppies, surely you'd go mad with terror or your head would explode after witnessing all the depravity!


Umm, if this isn't the perfect companion piece to Killer Workout, I don't know what is. Does anyone own a drive-in?


What the hell is going on here, Endplay? "Gripping until the bizarre end- then it all falls apart and you'll be bored...to death!"