FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE...beware yon spoilers!

Oct 26, 2009

Day 26: "Groooaaannnnnnn."

For Day 27 of SHOCKTOBER, I will be watching something that is widely rumored to be good, very good, or pretty fucking great.

For Day 26, however, I watched Stan Helsing...and after a 3-day stretch consisting of The Toybox, The Nail Gun Massacre, and Stan Helsing, well, the "groan" up there in the post title is coming from me. If I don't get the antidote stat, this bad movie streak may very well be the end of ol' moi.

Stan Helsing is a slacker who works in a video store. On Halloween night, he and three of his friends head off to a party, but they're waylaid in Stormy Night Estates, where Stan has to deliver some tapes to his boss's mom. The town, which used to be a movie studio, has been cursed ever since a fire burned it down ten years prior. Stan and his friends try all night to get past the locked gates and get back to their van.

That's it. Drag that premise out for 90 minutes, douse it liberally with the worst, laziest jokes to ever grace a horror spoof, and you've got yourself a copy of Stan Helsing.

Stan and his friends have to face off against parodies of some of horror's finest villains, which...I don't know, maybe there's some humor to be mined there. If there is, then writer/director Bo Zenga has missed it entirely. Behold, the wit: Pinhead- excuse me, "Needlehead"- has darts and hypodermic needles in his head! Har, har. Freddy Krueger has been transformed into some Flava Flav ripoff (though the only real effort here is the clock around his neck), while Michael Myers is...is...he wears a yarmulke, which I suppose makes him Jewish, which is...funny?


Leatherface wields a leaf blower instead of a chainsaw, while Jason (played by Ken Kirzinger of Freddy vs Jason) wears a hockey jersey in addition to his mask- oh, and his name is...get this you guys, so funny...Mason. Get it? Instead of Jason, he's called Mason! Yeah, hilarious.

I don't see how anyone in their right mind could have read this script and thought it would make a great comedy. I don't see how it's possible that someone read this script and decided to throw money at it. This fucking movie got funding- probably several MILLION dollars. I'd say I don't know why anyone would read the script and then agree to appear in the film, but things are tough all over and it's best to take the money and run. Still, it's obvious that the actors know they're appearing in a piece of shit- they're all a bit dead behind the eyes, and the performances are largely lethargic. Steve Howey did better work on Reba, Kenan Thompson did better work in All That, and hsofga;oVDSFva;sdfa; bjakaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Sorry. I was just getting a bit worked up at how FUCKING INANE this movie is. It's also heartbreaking to see Leslie Nielsen here for absolutely no reason, given nothing to do except dodder about a bit...in drag. ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

A few bloopers are sprinkled in throughout the end credits, and during one bit, one of the actresses- one of the actresses!- sums up Stan Helsing best: "It's so stupid."

Fuck this movie.

11 comments:

thomwade said...

Wow. This sounds as good as Superhero Movie. I think it's a bad idea to primarily parody films that people have gone out of their way to forget. Trying to cram a failed Hugh Jackman in with famous slashers and so on...the trailer looked terrible and I really feel bad that you had to suffer like that.

rikp said...

Poor Final Girl. I think I started my new horror-inspired music project about the same time I started reading your blog since one of my songs is called "Lament For A Final Girl" which seems rather appropriate today given your recent bad movie-inspired grief (and don't think we don't appreciate all you do for us).

I hope you enjoy...
http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8089177

Rik
www.HorrorVox.com

CashBailey said...

SHAUN OF THE DEAD is genius.

I venture to say that this is not.

ladracul said...

Ugh, why? A lot of my Sommersverse loving friends think this is just the worst idea to begin with, and yes, I have seen Keenan Thompson in way better things. (Especially the SNL sketches where he plays Grady Wilson, who demonstrates bad love making techniques.)

However, someone got it RIGHT, but the film has sadly not been released yet. It's called "Transylmania" and while it also has references to "Twilight", "Underworld" and gives off the vibe of "Transylvania 65000", it has a more loving parody of "Van Helsing" where one of the characters decides to be a monster hunter because they get the girls. Yet he doesn't know how to use a crossbow to save his life.

http://tinyurl.com/yf3jx4q

At mark 1:30, they're recreating the armory scene! Tell me that's not more time and effort spent for this project.

http://tinyurl.com/yg35vby

Kensington said...

When Leslie Nielsen emerged as a comedy figure in Airplane!, it worked because he played it straight. That's why it was funny.

Soon, unfortunately, his performances became mannered and muggy, and by the time he became a comedy icon, it just wasn't funny anymore because he was trying, usually very hard, to be funny.

Quite frankly, the Naked Gun movies aren't even as good as most people remember.

Theron said...

Poor Leslie Nielsen is probably lucky to get a gig these days, sadly.

Stacie Ponder said...

I haven't watched any Naked Gun flicks in forever, but I loved the first one. No matter whether my memories of the movies prove false, the fact remains that Police Squad! was the shit.

Kelsey K said...

Dear god, Ken Kirzinger was in this piece of crap? I hope he didn't sign on willingly, because this movie must have been an embarrassment to every one of the actors involved (and the studio that threw cash at it).

I will say, though, that the idea sounds like it could be funny if it was done well. Emphasis on "done well".

Kensington said...

Yeah, well Police Squad! was still pretty early in his comedy career, and I think it does hold up better than the later stuff.

The first Naked Gun might be okay, too, but I don't think the other ones hold up very well. And the less said about the Dracula: Dead and Loving It kind of films, the better.

Wouldn't it be kind of neat if he were given the opportunity to bring his career full circle by doing something straight and dramatic again? It would be just as shocking now as his deadpan turn in Airplane! was.

thomwade said...

BTW, in the entire film, there was ONE Joke that made me laugh...and it had nothing to do with horror films. Wow, this was terrible. Did they think we not notice as long as they had a hot blond and brunette in tiny outfits?

I mean, that almost worked...

Also... I think they should have called Mason Jay, had him played as a skinny stoner in a hockey mask and had Michael be a fat guy in a trenchcoat. Still not very funny...but funnier than "Mason".

Reel Whore said...

Whew! Thanks for the warning on this one. It sounds just excruciating!

I'll have to warn my sis to remove this from her NFQ immediately. Sounds like she could get more out of paying to watch paint peel.