FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE...beware yon spoilers!

Oct 31, 2009

Day 31: "Always check your candy."

I know some people who flip out over Christmas- people who get excited when the radio stations switch over to holiday music, when it's time to dig the decorations out of the attic, when Rankin-Bass takes over the TV. I get it. Christmas is cool...but come on, let's not pretend for even one minute that Halloween isn't the best. I get jazzed when TV stations show nothin' but the scary stuff, when haunted houses are open for business, when my grocery store has glow-in-the-dark skeletons for sale, and for that one night a year when everyone is a horror movie fan. Mind you, it doesn't feel the same as it did when I was eight- I mean, that's a big doy doy if I've ever written one- but still, once September turns to October, there's a vibe in the air that I adore...and once October turns to November, I get a little bummed. If there's ever been a movie that's captured that feeling, that air of macabre fun I associated with Halloween, it's Trick 'r Treat.

The film is an anthology of sorts, relaying four stories set on Halloween night in the small town of Warren Valley, Ohio- a place that pulls out all the stops when celebrating the holiday. Writer/director Michael Dougherty tells the tales in a fashion more akin to Pulp Fiction than to Creepshow; that is, the stories are interwoven into one narrative that jumps back and forth through time, rather than presented as separate segments. History and some familiar urban legends are explored, from razor blades in the candy to the roots of Samhain- and the film that results is the biggest celebration of October 31st since It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Trick 'r Treat is destined to become an annual viewing tradition, much like A Christmas Story is 'round December.

As a pure horror film, it's a bit uneven. It's not entirely scary and there are a few missteps (the climax of the 'party girls' storyline was a let down), but overall there's an exceptionally dark EC Comics tone that's fun and mean. The legend of the children who died on the schoolbus is a highlight, both horrifying and heartbreaking- man, the chubby kid in the bunny suit really got to me. Then there's Sam, the burlap sackheaded boy/monster who ties it all together...he could become a bonafide holiday icon, but I wish in the end we'd seen a little less of him.

The production design is amazing- despite the many instances of child murder, I sort of wish Warren Valley were a real place. It's my Halloween dream town. While it's not the scariest thing you'll see, Trick 'r Treat is perhaps a dream Halloween movie...undoubtedly it's a perfect way to bring SHOCKTOBER to a close.

Ugh, "to a close"! It's over already. I suppose by tomorrow afternoon, stores will take down the masks and put up the wreaths, and all the candy will be wrapped in red and green instead of orange and black. Guess that means I'll just have to stay inside, where the fake gravestones are always out, the wigs are always close at hand, and there are always horror movies playing ad nauseum.

watch the magic pumpkin!

Have a great Halloween, y'all!!

Oct 30, 2009

awesome movie poster friday - the SHOCKTOBER PART 3 edition!

Wow, I can't believe SHOCKTOBER is winding down! Slim pickin's this week, for as you all know I had a spate of dookitastic movies, many of which don't even have posters. Thank Charles Nelson Reilly above for Splinter!













Day 30: "No flesh shall be spared."

Richard Stanley's 1990 sci fi/horror flick Hardware, has been considered a cult classic by many. Until recently, it'd only been available on VHS or an exceptionally cruddy DVD release; well, Severin has changed all that, giving Hardware to the masses on Blu-Ray as well as a deluxe 2-disc DVD for those of us still living the lo-res life. So, should said masses be excited about getting their mitts on this long-lost & beloved film?

Nuclear war has transformed the world into a radioactive desert wasteland, but glimpses of its former glory peek through: cabs still run, TV still plays, and people still have jobs. Moses Baxter (Dylan McDermott) has been out scavenging in the wastes when he comes across a super neato robot head. He brings it home to his artist girlfriend Jill (Stacey Travis), thinking she'll find a use for it. She welds it into a sculpture and all is well...but what neither she nor Moe knows is that the robot is a M.A.R.K. 13, a deadly military-grade bot that can reassemble itself. Soon the M.A.R.K. 13 is awake, complete, and ready to kill kill kill!

While Hardware's narrative is fairly thin and a bit slow to get rolling, it's still an enjoyable ride through that dystopian '80s-flavored future; I, for one, am glad that not even nuclear annihilation can apparently stop people from quipping "Take a chill pill!". The film certainly pales in comparison to its obvious cousins, Mad Max and The Terminator, but if one can overlook the shortcomings of plot and, at times, the performances, there's a lot to appreciate.

The visuals are really where Hardware shines. Stanley and cinematographer Steven Chivers have created a complete, if small, world. The production design is top notch; though the action is largely confined to Jill's apartment, there's always some new detail to take in, from package design to the retrotastic computer graphics.

Frame after frame is simply gorgeous. This is masterful low-budget filmmaking that's all too rare; I didn't care if the story was a bit anemic, I still dug looking at the purty pictures.



Of course, your results may vary, and that's the tricky thing about films considered "cult classics". Some folks are going to rejoice over discovering something so long hidden, while others are going to wonder what all the fuss was about in the first place. Then again, that's probably true of all movies to an extent- yes, I know, I'm particularly profound today- but when a movie is buried for decades only to be unleashed, at last, with some fanfare, expectations run high. Were Hardware's visuals not so delightful, honestly, I'm not sure how much people would be talking about it. It's got some novelty in terms of music and cameos from musicians (Lemmy as a cab driver, putting on Motorhead's "Ace of Spades"? Yes, please.), but the story is familiar and there are several films in this genre that are far superior.

Still, it ain't a bad way to spend 90 minutes- when are non-CGI killer robots ever truly a bad thing?

Day 29: "It's gonna get in here...it's gonna kill us."

When I watch a kick ass little movie like Splinter (2008), I wonder why there's so much moaning and groaning about the state of modern horror. Yes, there's plenty of direct-to-DVD caca out there- not to mention the output from the major studios- but man, there's also gold in them thar whatevers. The genre is certainly riding an upswing, I've come to think, so I'm gonna stop my bitching. Things certainly aren't any worse than they were in, say, 1988. There are more remakes, sure, but the indie scene is thriving. So there.

A trashy couple carjacks a yuppie-ish couple, but they don't get far before an overheated radiator forces them off the road. They stop at a gas station/convenience store in the middle of nowhere, only to find the attendant has been turned into...something poky and deadly. There's a mysterious parasite on the loose that immediately transforms the hosts into splinter-laden abominations. Everyone holes up in the store and simply tries to survive the night.

If John Carpenter's The Thing had a baby with the baby that Romero's Night of the Living Dead and Zach Snyder's Dawn of the Dead had, then that baby would be Splinter. It's a tried-and-true formula- people must overcome their differences and work together to survive!- but somehow this creature feature feels as fresh as a blood-soaked daisy made out of fleshy bits.

It's almost a miracle when characters are actually more than just tolerable- in Splinter, the characters actually have small arcs, acting in ways you may not expect when you meet them early on. For once, the a-hole with the gun stops being an a-hole when the shit hits the fan. People really do work together as they try to figure out a way out of the mess- you know, like they might in real life.

Syfy Channel has wrapped their tentacles around this flick and they air it from time to time as a "Syfy Original"- if that's the only way you watch Splinter, however, you're really cheating yourself out of some killer effects. There's plenty of cringe-inducing goodness here, and the creature- when you can see it- is mind-blowing. I only wish you could see it a bit more; whenever there's an action sequence, we get "action cam", and it's too frenetic at times. It would've been nice if the monster(s) truly had their moment in the spotlight, when we could get a really good look at 'em.


Still, that's really my only complaint here- well, maybe that it was all over too quickly. Splinter's 80 minutes flew by, and the proceedings never dragged. It's just...a damn good movie. Yeah, they're making those now.

Oct 29, 2009

Feel like makin' lists...

Feel like makin' lists for READERS!

(You're supposed to say that to the tune of that Bad Company song, but it probably didn't translate well. Eh. Whose fault is that?)

Anydingle, Real Simple Magazine wanted me to recommend 10 Halloween movies for their online readership. Now, there are some catches. First, without just listing ALL of the Halloween sequels, coming up with 10 movies based around the holiday is a wee difficult. Second, Real Simple's readership is not...Rue Morgue's readership, dig? I couldn't select anything gory- sorry, Night of the Demons, though Halloween movie you may be, the lipstick stunt would cause the ladies to blanch and take to their fainting couches. Soooo, I made it a list of good horror movies to watch on the 'ween for people who don't normally watch that sort of thing. It was a fun challenge and I was psyched they asked me.

Read it here, and mouth off about what YOU would have put on the list.

Oct 28, 2009

GETTT OUUUUTT!

You heard me- get out and head over to AMC, where this week I've cooked up a little guide to some of my favorite haunted houses (for haunted hotels, get in your Wayback Machine). I do so enjoy a haunted house movie. It's one of my favorite subgenres.

Okay, so they're pretty much ALL my favorite subgenres because I fucking love horror movies! I do. You may not have known that up until this point, but it's true. I really dig horror movies, and they make me quite happy (except when they don't, but even then they kinda do). Hey horror movies- you're the best! *Slaps horror movies on the ass*

Anyway, That's not all I've got cooking at AMC this week, oh my stars no. I've also cooked up a couple of quizzes to test your horror trivia mettle. Answer correctly...and quickly, for if the timer runs out on either quiz, your computer will explode in your face. That's right- I'm like the bastard lovechild of Jigsaw and Alex Trebek!

*shudder*

Anyway again, there's a short, easy, breezy, and beautiful quiz about slasher movie quotes, and there's the Halloween ultimate fan quiz. Halloween nerds will likely kick butt, but I tried to throw in some obscurities.

Report back with your results...unless you went and got yourself exploded.

Day 28: "He's hunting us."

Okay kids, I'm going to try something a little different for today's film, Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead. I'm gonna do a sort of live blog, just kind of typing my thoughts as they happen whilst I watch the movie. It'll be a bullet pointstravaganza that's so in the moment you'll feel as if you're right here with me gettin' yer deformed backwoods cannibal on. Won't that be neat? Yes, it will.

Now, I haven't heard good things about this film. As you may or may not know (or care), I'm a fan of the original film...don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I'm not a fan of the second one. Such is life. I'm inclined to think that the series probably should have ended after two films at most, but who knows? Perhaps I'm about to dig in to one surprisingly awesome movie. If the cover is any indication, then the series is really getting back to its roots- you know, a brunette in a tank top and all that (I mean, really??). Anyway, enough intro. Time to hit play!

Oh yes...there will be spoilers.
  • Wow, this opens with some ragin' water kayaking. How very The Descent!
  • The woman get topless and smoke a joint while the men look for firewood. The acting (and dialogue) are so atrocious, I can only hope they get killed quickly...and they do! Or at least titso does...arrow through the breast and through the eyeball.
  • There's the archer cannibal dude, munching on said eyeball. Wow...that looks like a latex mask. And there goes the last remaining shred of mystique the Wrong Turn killers had...
  • Holy shit, the picture is pixelated something bad...hopefully that's just because I'm watching a screener copy.
  • Okay, the sliced-n-slowly-fall-apart death is in effect, and it's truly some of the worst CGI I've seen in a while. Stan Winston is flipping this shit off from heaven.
  • Not even seven minutes in. This does not bode well.
  • Aaaaaaaand we're at a prison. It seems that the hispanics and the caucasians do not get along.
  • So there's going to be some sort of a prisoner transfer...I'm guessing that the bus is going to crash or get hijacked or something something, resulting in a WRONG TURN into Cannibal Country. Let's see how my prediction pans out.
  • Oh. My. God. The driving in the bus sequence is some seriously...it's not even greenscreen. It's like...car driving shit from the old days- sitting in a fake car while a moving road is projected on a screen behind them. OH. MY. GOD. What the fuck was the budget on this? 50 cents and a pack of gum?
  • Ugnnnnnn backlot.....
  • Wow, no signal on the cell phone. Shocking.
  • Okay, yup, the bus is getting run off the road by a truck driven by the cannibals. Mmm hmm.
  • Everyone's out of the bus...oh no, now the prisoners are in charge! This is such an unexpected turn of events. They'll get theirs, I'm sure- hopefully soon. Probably in shocking ways, like a sudden arrow through the face or some such.
  • The bus exploded...is it just me, or are explosions in movies rarely exciting?
  • Annnnnd tank top just came running out of the woods. Yeah, right into the mass of hardened prisoners who, uh, haven't seen a woman in a while. She'd be better off with the cannibals.
  • Oh, she's a bad actress. Eliza Dushku, where are you? We desperately need your two facial expressions!
  • I hate all of these people. I can't wait for them to die. This doesn't make for a pleasurable viewing experience, especially when all they do is blah blah blah. It's blah blah blah but it's not character development, which would be fine...instead, it's just people yelling at each other. Wheeeee!
  • Cannibal child was lying in wait underneath some leaves...just in case someone happened to wander by this neck of the woods, I guess.
  • Ooh, the prisoners are slowly killing the cannibal child. Who are the monsters now? WHOOOOO?
  • Another sliced-n-slowly-fall-apart death? Okay, it's just the face, but still. Merrrr.
  • I guess it's just the one cannibal in this flick (aside from the child). It's one of the original dudes...Snaggleface? Three-toe? One Eye? T-Boz? I don't know...one of 'em.
  • Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. 50 minutes in.
  • Boy, with all the woods to walk around in, people always manage to walk right into traps. Weird.
  • Okay, days 29, 30, and 31 better blow my fucking mind, lest SHOCKTOBER die a horrible death. It's not supposed to be this way!
  • This movie is nothing but jerks running through the woods at night. There's no suspense, there's no atmosphere, there are no scares...sheesh. Please excuse me- I'm going to zone out now and think back to the original film...specifically, the scene in the house, where the kids are exploring and then the cannibals come home and they all have to hide and be quiet and the cannibals start eating one of their friends and they're forced to watch...yeah...zoning....zooooooo...ninnnnnng....
  • Oh dear lord, she's such a bad actress.
  • I wonder if that's a deliberate homage to Cannibal Holocaust.
  • How many shells can a pump action shotgun hold?
  • Annnnd the cannibal has kidnapped the girl. Scream scream, drag drag, lick lick, eww eww.
  • Gosh, can't have a horror movie without an eeeevil house with a room made just for torturin' nudies!
  • So many instances of characters punching each other where the fist is clearly kept about 18 inches away from the face.
  • Well, there's lots of blood, I'll say that much.
  • Wow, it's surprisingly easy to take off the top of someone's skull.
  • Gosh, I guess the bad guy is dead...with ten minutes left...
  • OH. MY. GOD. Really? REALLY??? So the heroes drive off in a truck (more bad car effects)...then a few miles away from the house the cannibal is STANDING IN THE ROAD?? This is not possible. THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE. NOT POSSIBLE. FOR MANY REASONS. And he jumps on the speeding truck? And there's atrocious CGI?
  • Okay, I guess he's dead now.
  • Ah, another vehicle explodes. Excitement.
  • This really needs to be the last Wrong Turn. Really. No, really. This series needs to be euthanized.
  • Annnnnnd there's the lame fucking coda that leaves the door open for another film.
Whew, I made it! For a while there, I didn't think I would. Don't you feel like you watched it with me? Aren't you glad you didn't actually watch it with me? You should be. Wrong Turn 3 is a big pile of dook. Horrible, horrible, horrible...in case you couldn't tell what I thought from this post.

Day 27: "Nothing's going to hurt you now."

Wowee, what to luck to happen upon yet another film that begins with a gang rape! First it was Nail Gun Massacre, and now the 1973 Curtis Harrington film The Killing Kind; boy oh boy, I've practically got a theme week here. While Nail Gun Massacre veered off into sub-sub-sub-par slasher territory, however, The Killing Kind veers off into a Psycho-on-steroids kind of squidginess that's bound to leave you in need of a shower when all is said and done.

Terry (John Savage) was forced by his friends to partake in the gang rape of young Tina (Sue Bernard) under the boardwalk on that fateful day. It's questionable whether he could actually "perform", but regardless he ended up doing a 2-year term in the clink. Once he's out, he heads to the boarding house run by his mother Thelma (Ann Sothern) where he's treated to gallons of chocolate milk and sexually-tinged oppression.

Thelma's constant deriding of anyone else on the planet with a vagina (they're not good enough for Terry, they're all whores, blah blah blah) coupled with "affection" that's a bit too...affectionate for a mother and son have clearly rendered Terry with a muddled idea of sexuality.



He's plagued by visions of Tina under the boardwalk, and anytime he's confronted by a woman- whether a magazine photo staring back at him as he tries to masturbate or a repressed, older neighbor coming on to him, Terry flips out and loses control. Before too long, he takes revenge on those who put him behind bars, including his defense lawyer as well as Tina herself.

Terry's homicidal ways begin to worm their way into his home life once Lori (Cindy Williams) moves into mom's boarding house. Events escalate until there's a dead Shirley Feeney-to-be in the bathtub, and Thelma must finally face up to the fact that her beloved son is a certifiable cuckoo nutso.

The Killing Kind features the most inappropriate familial relationship I've had the "pleasure" of watching since I popped in Night Warning some time back. While the Terry - Thelma dynamic is going to send you running for your toothbrush the moment the credits start rolling, it's thanks to veterans Savage and Sothern that their relationship isn't just a sideshow. Each actor gives a performance hinting at the pain and loneliness that are part and parcel of what results in such antisocial behavior. It's almost impossible to like either one of them, but they're also hard to hate.

All in all, it's an expectedly solid effort from the underappreciated Curtis Harrington. The Killing Kind has the feel of an especially lurid TV movie- and that's certainly not a bad thing.

Oct 26, 2009

Day 26: "Groooaaannnnnnn."

For Day 27 of SHOCKTOBER, I will be watching something that is widely rumored to be good, very good, or pretty fucking great.

For Day 26, however, I watched Stan Helsing...and after a 3-day stretch consisting of The Toybox, The Nail Gun Massacre, and Stan Helsing, well, the "groan" up there in the post title is coming from me. If I don't get the antidote stat, this bad movie streak may very well be the end of ol' moi.

Stan Helsing is a slacker who works in a video store. On Halloween night, he and three of his friends head off to a party, but they're waylaid in Stormy Night Estates, where Stan has to deliver some tapes to his boss's mom. The town, which used to be a movie studio, has been cursed ever since a fire burned it down ten years prior. Stan and his friends try all night to get past the locked gates and get back to their van.

That's it. Drag that premise out for 90 minutes, douse it liberally with the worst, laziest jokes to ever grace a horror spoof, and you've got yourself a copy of Stan Helsing.

Stan and his friends have to face off against parodies of some of horror's finest villains, which...I don't know, maybe there's some humor to be mined there. If there is, then writer/director Bo Zenga has missed it entirely. Behold, the wit: Pinhead- excuse me, "Needlehead"- has darts and hypodermic needles in his head! Har, har. Freddy Krueger has been transformed into some Flava Flav ripoff (though the only real effort here is the clock around his neck), while Michael Myers is...is...he wears a yarmulke, which I suppose makes him Jewish, which is...funny?


Leatherface wields a leaf blower instead of a chainsaw, while Jason (played by Ken Kirzinger of Freddy vs Jason) wears a hockey jersey in addition to his mask- oh, and his name is...get this you guys, so funny...Mason. Get it? Instead of Jason, he's called Mason! Yeah, hilarious.

I don't see how anyone in their right mind could have read this script and thought it would make a great comedy. I don't see how it's possible that someone read this script and decided to throw money at it. This fucking movie got funding- probably several MILLION dollars. I'd say I don't know why anyone would read the script and then agree to appear in the film, but things are tough all over and it's best to take the money and run. Still, it's obvious that the actors know they're appearing in a piece of shit- they're all a bit dead behind the eyes, and the performances are largely lethargic. Steve Howey did better work on Reba, Kenan Thompson did better work in All That, and hsofga;oVDSFva;sdfa; bjakaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Sorry. I was just getting a bit worked up at how FUCKING INANE this movie is. It's also heartbreaking to see Leslie Nielsen here for absolutely no reason, given nothing to do except dodder about a bit...in drag. ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

A few bloopers are sprinkled in throughout the end credits, and during one bit, one of the actresses- one of the actresses!- sums up Stan Helsing best: "It's so stupid."

Fuck this movie.

Oct 25, 2009

Day 25: "Remember when you could sit outside and not worry about the mosquitos and the killers?"

Going into a flick called The Nail Gun Massacre (1985), well, I suppose I should know what to expect: some deadly nail gun shenanigans, a fine patina of sleaze, and a distinct absence of quality. Sure enough, my expectations were met! The only shock I suffered was that in the end, the movie wasn't nearly as lurid as I was expecting.

The movie begins with a gang rape. It's not explicit, nor is it terribly long...but as it literally opens the film, it's a propos of nothing. A woman is surrounded by a bunch of workers at a construction site while a peppy '80s synth tune plays, and it's all so sudden that by the time you've processed that yes, Nail Gun Massacre opens with a rape, it's over. It's not traumatizing for the viewer- it's probably the only instance of cinematic rape where I've claimed that- and one can only assume that it's going to provide the impetus for the titular nail-gunning to come.

And provide the impetus it does, in the very next scene! A hairy slob is yelling at his wife (who's outside hanging laundry on a line) when he's visited by someone dressed in camouflage, wearing a duct taped motorcycle helmet, and wielding a massive nail gun. Judging by the person's diminutive size and vaguely hourglass figure, it seems this is the rape victim out for a bit of pneumatic-powered revenge.

But is it revenge? Is the hairy slob one of the construction workers who raped that woman? We don't know. We never really know any of the people killed in Nail Gun Massacre- their names, how they may or may not relate to anything that already transpired in the film...it all seems completely random. Ah me, might as well just roll with it.

After the hairy slob is killed and his wife runs off into the woods with her baby, we're treated to the opening credits sequence, which surely ranks among the worst credits sequences of all time. Plain text slowly gives the names of cast and crew while the theme song...err, well, it isn't a theme song at all. There's no music, only someone's voice filtered through a vocoder, going "muaa...MUAA...MUAA...MUAA" ad nauseum. It turns out that this voice belongs to the killer. Nail Gun Massacre then quickly establishes a pattern:
  1. People you don't want to watch engage in sex engage in sex
  2. Ample bare bottoms and bare boobs are on display
  3. Nail Gun Killer arrives
  4. BANG BANG BANG goes the nail gun
  5. UHHNNN...NO...UHHNNN goes the victim
  6. Nail Gun Killer cracks wise via vocoder (eg, "Oh, don't you just hate headaches?")
  7. Sheriff arrives, is perplexed by the body, calls the doctor
  8. Doctor arrives in a Camaro, clad in a tank top, says the victim died "hours ago"
  9. They both suspect "Old Mrs. Bailey" of the killings
Add a heaping vat of inept filmmaking, a dose of a horrible script, atrocious acting, and repeat, repeat, repeat.

If anything, Nail Gun Massacre proves that decent slasher movies are much more than the sum of their parts. Though there's nudity, blood, and a masked killer, this is far worse than even the weakest entry in the Friday the 13th series. You've got to have a modicum of skill in at least one essential area (writing, directing, FX, acting) for the movie to work, and Nail Gun Massacre fails on all fronts.

Mind you, this doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the damn thing, because I did. I think the moment it won my heart came during a scene set in a grocery store. An elderly clerk is adding up an order (apparently without the aid of a cash register), and the actress is clearly reading her lines from a script on the counter. She fumbles over a few sentences, and when the scene is finally over...she looks directly at the camera with a look that says "Is that it?" According to imdb, the woman isn't an actress at all, but the director's grandmother, who actually worked at the store- she filled in when the actress originally cast didn't show. I loved her, and it filled me with a sort of "Aww, none of these people are professionals...they're just making a movie, how sweet!" Of course, this doesn't make the affair any better, or even worth your time. It basically endeared the awfulness to me because that's how my brain works.

As I said, it is awful. Another "highlight" occurs during one of the film's copious sex scenes, where a couple is trying to have it off in a 2-seater car. It's not working because there's no room for them to maneuver, and at one point the couple stops moving around completely...while the car still bounces up and down as if they're humping away. The shadow of the person repeatedly pushing down on the car is clearly visible on the hood. The killer soon arrives, prompting the man to ask "What are you, a cop?"- I don't know, how many law enforcement agencies wear camouflage jumpsuits, duct taped motorcycle helmets, and wield nail guns? Maybe things are different elsewhere in the country. At any rate, Ol' Naily makes short work of the couple- the man dies immediately after being shot in the elbow with a nail.


The killer drives a massive, golden/puke-colored hearse and leaves it on the road whilst off wielding the nail gun; the sheriff encounters this hearse many times in many places, but thinks nothing of it. Eventually, he and the doctor stop blaming "Old Mrs. Bailey" (whom we never meet) for the crimes...the sheriff finally begins to think that the rape victim from a few months back might have something to do with this, but the doctor remains unconvinced. After all, he spoke to her after the rape and "She never showed any signs that the rape pushed her mind into a state of killing." The state of killing is so dangerous!

Still, the men go to talk to her...there's a lengthy Camaro vs Golden/Puke Hearse "chase" sequence, and all parties end up at the gravel pit. The killer is soon revealed to be...the rape victim's brother. Yes, despite the fact that the role has been played by a woman throughout the entire film, it's actually a man under the helmet. Uh huh.

Totally. Horribly. Ridiculous. And yet, I could not bring myself to be angry with Nail Gun Massacre. I mean, I'm the one who popped it in the VCR and should have known what to expect. What I didn't expect was that the director's gramma would steal my heart!

Seriously...watch at your own risk.

Oct 24, 2009

in case you are bored...

...perhaps you would fancy reading a rather lengthy interview with moi over at ye olde Chainsaw Mafia. Or perhaps you would not. Generic businessdouches, however, clearly think it's the greatest thing ever. Who are you- nay, who are any of us- to disagree?

Day 24: "Midfolker."

I'm not sure whether or not you should spend any time reading this, because I'mma be real wit chall: I didn't finish watching The Toybox (2005). Nope. Couldn't do it. I gave it a half an hour, and then I had a little epiphany: yes, I decided that SHOCKTOBER would feature a review every day...and for Day 24, I tried. I really did, I swear. I did a little more Hulu research- after all, The Spell was swell- and I decided to give this film a whirl despite its low rating. Apparently the end makes suffering through 75 odd minutes worthwhile...well, it's up to someone with a stronger constitution than my own to find out. I felt guilty turning it off, as if I was failing to fulfill my duties as proprietress of This Old Blog, but then I figured hey, no one would want me to suffer, right? Right. Life is short- too short, really- to be spent watching caca when I could be watching something rad. Occasionally it's worth pushing through the pain to write a fun negative review...or maybe a film will end up hurting so good. I'm not sure where The Toybox would have ended up in that regard, but I'm already moving on to greener pastures.

Stilted, unnatural dialogue that was virtually all exposition...a molasses-slow plot train that seemed headed to nowhere...unlikable characters...yes, this film truly had it all. As I said, it seems that those who managed to push through found some sort of gold at the end of the painbow, but no your humble proprietress. Nope. Couldn't do it. Couldn't stand the crap for Day 24, sorry- my standards are much higher than that.

Coming up for Day 25: Nail Gun Massacre!