FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE...beware yon spoilers!

Jan 19, 2011

There are no words.

Okay, so the post title is "There are no words.", but clearly there are words as there is a post that follows. Just thought I'd clear up that little semantic shenanigan right away.

Can "shenanigan" be singular? I've really only ever heard of "shenanigans", but I suppose the singular is also correct because there's no YOU SPELLED THAT WRONG, ASSHOLE red line under it and we all know that spell check is infallible. I like the word "shenanigans" as it's Irish-sounding and olde timey-sounding...yes, I like it even if it's also name of a restaurant with crazy crap on the walls sounding.

Anyway. You know how pictures of dead chupacabras pop up in the media fairly frequently? Well, I should clarify that they're pictures of what are supposed to be chupacabras- but the point is, these pictures pop up, inevitably after some farmer has wandered out into their field and found this dead...thing. They take a picture, the picture is all over the place- you know, this picture:


...and for while, you think (or I think, anyway) "Could that...be real? Could it? It looks real enough, but it's so impossible, it can't be real! No, it's a joke, a hoax, a ruse or a shenanigan! But...is it real? No...is it?" Inevitably it's not real- commenters point out it's some dessicated Mexican hairless dog or some mangey coyote or some such, but that's not the point! The point is about the feelings of unsure-osity and doubt that plague you (me) when first confronted with the photo. That is the point because those are also the feelings that plagued me whenever I saw box art for or a mere mention of American Psycho 2 (2002).

"Is that...? No, it couldn't be. With Mila Kunis? That can't be real. A sequel? To American Psycho? That's impossible. Starring Mila Kunis? That's so impossible it's unpossible. But there's a picture...it must be a hoax! A fantastic shenanihoax!""

But...there were no commenters to put my mind at ease with "That's some mangey Photoshop shit." No one cried "Falsehood! Lies! Blasphemer!" and that, my friends, is because American Psycho 2 actually exists. It does! I saw it with my own four eyes! I'm somehow survived a viewing of it, even, and I'm here to tell you, dear reader, that there is life before you have seen American Psycho 2 and life after you've seen American Psycho 2. You come out the other side changed. I've already started drinking heavily in the hopes of staving off PTSD.


During a ten-minute voiceover, Rachael Newman (Kunis) tells us just how this sequel came to be (in the fictional world, I mean...we all know that in the real world, Satan shat this thing out), because the very idea of it is so...well, there I go again. UNPOSSIBLE. When Rachael was a young'un, her babysitter took her along on a date with Patrick Bateman, the meticulous psychopath from American Psycho. As Patrick set about killing the babysitter, Rachael untied herself from a chair and killed Bateman. From that moment on, Rachael decided to become an FBI agent specializing in Behavioral Science, and she'd do anything to achieve that goal- anything, even going to college!

Is you mouth hanging open in sheer whatthefuckisthisareyouserious?-ness? Because mine was, literally. Hanging open. For ten minutes. Patrick Bateman is just so...casually offed here, it's ludicrous. As Christian Bale doesn't reprise the role, we don't even see his face! Just "Oh yeah, I killed him. Anyway..." and we're off to school with a grown-up Rachael.


What follows, to be honest, is not completely unlike a bad Lifetime movie plot: girl is actually cray cray! Girl wants teaching assistant position, and she'll do anything to get it, including studying and murdering! Girl really makes us question just who the American Psycho is, here. Wait, no girl doesn't. It's girl!

To be more honest, if this was, in fact, a Lifetime movie and it starred Tracey Gold, I'd probably be all over it (I actually really like Mila Kunis a lot, but I'm talking Tracey Gold). This is not a Lifetime movie, though. This is American Psycho 2, the very title of which banks on our knowledge of American Psycho. There are expectations when you're going to be so audacious- audacious I say!- to call yourself a sequel to the 2000 film.

The film fails in spectacular fashion to meet any expectations...well, except any expectations of suckage and disaster. The writers don't understand satire- if that's actually what they were going for here- nor the "black" in "black comedy". It's a mess set to an insufferable calliope-riddled soundtrack. Actually, American Psycho 2 isn't merely a failure or a mess. It's an affront. However, if you've ever wanted to see a movie in which Mila Kunis gives William Shatner a neckrub, then this is the movie for you!

Mila Kunis: finding her happy place, far away from this fuckery

In related news, if you've ever wanted to see a movie in which Mila Kunis gives William Shatner a neckrub...what the hell is wrong with you?

17 comments:

goblin said...

I firmly believe 'American Psycho 2' would be a better movie if it just had a different title because, as you rightly pointed out, it doesn't feel like a sequel at all. There are no similarities whatsoever between this and its supposed prequel, apart from a fleeting mention of Patrick Bateman's name. Now, that wouldn't suddenly turn it into a good movie per se, mind you, but at least it would stop making me want to punch my TV. As it is, it's just a half-assed and impudent attempt to cash in on a great film.

Rabid Fox said...

Oh my lord, I saw this movie a couple of years ago. Right around the time Maxx Payne was coming out, and I thought that Mila Kunis would wind up relying on Family Guy royalty checks for the rest of her life--both movies are just that bad.

Now she's running shoulder to shoulder with Natalie Portman and becoming A-list. Go figure.

Melissa said...

I've always resisted the urge to pick this up at the video store. I will continue to resist... for now!

Mike Snoonian said...

In the shocking confession department:

I've seen American Psycho 2, but can't sit through all of American Psycho. It just doesn't do it for me.

Sam the Eagle would call me a bad American

Stacie Ponder said...

I appreciate American Psycho more than I like it, if that makes sense, so I getcha, Mike.

And yeah, with a different title, this would simply be a different kind of terrible film!

Emily said...

I wanted this movie to be so much more fun than it was, either much smarter and satirical or just dumb fun. It skirts this weird line where it knows it SHOULD be clever, but isn't actually clever. Boo.

Kate said...

This film is rightfully reviled, but I can't help myself--I love it, at least enough to watch it every time it comes on cable. My early adoration for Poison Ivy (with Drew Barrymore and Sara Gilbert) conditioned me to love any teen girl black widow film, though, regardless of its ridiculousness.

Brittany said...

I love this movie and I'm not ashamed. I have two copies of it; one on DVD and one VHS when I taped it off Showtime. I even hunted all the songs off the movie and made a cd.

Ben Newman said...

Even though this looks appalling on so many levels I will watch anything with the lovely Mina in it...I even managed to sit through Boot Camp!

RJ said...

I actually jumped in excitement when I saw that you were reviewing this movie. I used to own this movie. It's so bad, but I sort of loved it for its weirdness. The commentary is a trip b/c its basically Mila Kunis and the director talking about all the flubs and cheapness of the movie.

John Bem said...

Mila Kunis gives William Shatner a neckrub?!! Awesome! This movie just got rocketed to number one in my Netflix queue. And no, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me....

Anonymous said...

I haven't seen this one but I guess I have to now. Its on one pay channel or another all the time. I just figured it was really awful - seems like I was right.
deb

whatever1964 said...

Man, that sounds rough... thanks for throwing yourself on that cinematic grenade for the rest of us....

Chris H said...

What really annoy me is whenever I look for American Psycho on eBay, I either find really good deals, which include the movie and the book for about 20 bucks, or you can just find the movie on its own. One problem though. The movie deals and that book/movie deal comes with American Psycho 2; and what's worse is that it's a double feature DVD, so you can't just order the book and movie and just chuck 2 in the trash.

dementia13 said...

Who wouldn't want to see Mila Kunis give William Shatner a neckrub? Shatner's in this? Then, it might be watchable. Hey, I watched StrangerRandy's "Cold Drinks" video that you posted (I assume that StrangerRandy is not the same as Randy from Stranger), so this should be a breeze.

StuartOhQueue said...

I believe in La Chupacabra... I don't, however, believe they actually made "American Psycho 2."

Joel H said...

I think I saw this movie once. I also think I might have wiped it from my memory, because I can't remember anything other than Meg from Family Guy being in it. Why?? Anyway, great write-up!