FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Feb 8, 2011

conversation whilst waiting on line at the grocery store

"Stacie! Hey! How are you?"

"Oh, hey Necrosis. How's it going?"

"Pretty good, pretty good. So...I saw you checking me out the other night so I figured I'd say 'What's up!', ha ha."

"Yeah. Yep. I sure did see you the other night."

"And? Sorry. I don't mean to be overbearing. I'm just wondering, you know, if you liked what you saw."

"Please don't do that with your hands. As far as liking what I saw...well..."

"What? You can tell me. I can take it."

"It's just that...I have a few questions."

"Okay, shoot."

"So...okay. You start out with this...flashback, I guess it is. It's some people from the Donner Party, like, going nuts and eating each other and trying to hack each other up with axes..."

"Well, the Donner Party did that, you know."

"Umm...not really. See, they were stranded in the Sierra Nevada and resorted to cannibalism in an attempt to stay alive, yeah, but...well, I'm sure some of them did lose it, but not in a horror movie-wackadoo kind of way. They weren't killing people to eat them. They ate the dead, you know? Big difference."

"Eh. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to, man."

"Right. Well, see, in the flashback someone talks abut the gates of Hell being opened, and I'm just wondering...how exactly did the Donner Party open the gates of Hell? You mention it, but then it's dropped forever."

"Umm...cannibals and...crazy..."

"I mean, the Donner Party opened the gates of Hell. That's not nothin' you're talking about there. It should probably be addressed and explored."

"That's what you think, but you don't know everything."

"You're right. In the end, I suppose the important thing is that the Donner Party comes back 150 years later as axe-wielding ghosts. Which...I don't know, dude."


"What? What's wrong with that idea? I think it kicks ALL of the ass."

"Ehhh, it just seems a little...tacky or something. Like making a horror movie about the ghosts of Dachau or the vengeful spirits of the victims of September 11."

"I think those sound awesome."

"You're probably not alone in that. For me, though, historical fiction is one thing, but this is...the Donner Party weren't crazy axe-murderers who opened the gates of Hell and ate each other because they liked it. You kind of cheapen what really happened by trying to turn the tragedy into fodder for a typical horror mov--"

"Get off your high horse!"

"I thought you said you could 'take it'."

"I said that, but I didn't mean it. Tell me I'm pretty!"

"Necrosis, look..."

"No, you're right. I'm sorry. I asked for your opinion and I should respect your answer, even you think I wasn't the best thing ever."

"You were terrible."


"That's not fair! I was not. Just because you don't like the Donner Party angle..."

"Necrosis, it's not just that. Even beyond that, when the whole 'six friends go to a cabin in the woods' thing starts, it's...bad."

"WHAT."

"Seriously. The characters...I mean, you try to add depth through lots of 'Remember the time we did that thing?' conversations, but they come off as awkward narrative, poorly delivered. They don't move the story forward or make me care about anyone."

"That's your problem."

"...okay."


"So what else, Miss Know-It-All?"

"Hey, come on."

"Well, you're insulting me. Why can't I insult you?"

"Because you asked me what I thought and I'm telling you. I'm not insulting you for the sake of insulting you."

"Whatever."

"It became obvious that you wanted to be some kind of Shining thing, Necrosis, because ultimately the Donner Party ghosts didn't have much to do with anything. One of the characters goes crazy and starts killing everyone."

"Yeah, so?"

"So...then...you really didn't need the Donner Party angle at all. You have this character who-"

"But without the ghosts, he wouldn't go crazy."

"But you talk a lot about his mental illness."

"Yeah, so?"

"All right, excuse it all you want, but the bottom line is- you're not the fucking Shining, man. Not even close. It should be illegal, in fact, to write The Shining and Necrosis in the same sentence in a 'they are alike' kind of context."

"You don't need to swear about it."

"And then...and then! There are technical issues. Like, someone will say 'The storm is raging!' and you give a shot out the window and the sky is blue and clear. Characters are in ten places at once, time of day changes from shot to shot, and it becomes impossible to tell what the hell is going on."

"But...but...I have Tiffany! And Michael Berryman!"

"I'm not sure why, since they don't really do anything. Michael Berryman walks up a mountain, I guess, even though there's a 'raging blizzard' and then he dies. And Tiffany isn't the lead or anything. Her character is completely pointless. She delivers, like, four lines in a monotone, and then dies. I guess. It's totally unexplained, how she dies or if she's really dead."

"Shhh! People could be listening! Don't spoil it."


"Paper or plastic?"

"Huh? Oh, paper, please. Look, Necrosis, I have to go. I'm not gonna lie- the 90 minutes or whatever it was we spent together were pretty fucking lousy."

"You're hurting my feelings."

"I don't mean to, but that's how it is. I'm sure someone out there loves you, and I'm sure your mom and dad think you're super terrific. I, however, do not. Nothing personal."

"It's totally personal."

"Fine, it's totally personal, then. Go away now."

"But I have CGI blood spatt--"

"Shoo. Shoo, Necrosis, go on now! Git!"

16 comments:

Mr_v said...

Pure genius.

Moorhead said...

Conversely, 'The Donner Party' with Crispin Glover? Not half bad.

Superheidi said...

Well, wait a minute. Can you hand me the divider? Thanks. No, this isn't my milk. Actually, can I put this Nutella back? Yeah. thaaanks.

So, I was there, too, Necrosis. I was there. Now, let me finish. YOU had your turn now let me talk!!!!!

sigh.

Okay, I just don't understand many things about you either. Why wasn't Tiffany the lead? Why did she agree to DO the film? You must have had a budget - right? So... why wasn't the film any good?

Personally, I think the worst part about you is when Tiffany and her rich boyfriend die in the snowmobile because... because why? They're just parked in a fucking snowmobile and then they die by falling asleep, or something! That's so lame! Did you just make it up as you went along???

And if the blizzard was SO BAD that none of the trapped cabin people could walk down the mountain to get help, how the fuck did Michael Berryman walk UP the mountain to bring them 'supplies'?

Explain that, dickweed!

Ok, whatever, I have to leave now because I don't want to cause a scene.

RJ said...

Oh, Tiffany. I love that she's running from giant alligators with Kathryn Joosten and quoting the lyrics of 'I Think We're Alone Now' with Debbie Gibson like real dialog like that's normal.

Stevie B. said...

I shall not be shopping there.

Mikey Sarago said...

You had a conversation with Necrosis in a grocery store???

Stacie...Necrosis has been dead for ten years.

Stacie Ponder said...

"Necrosis has been dead for ten years."

Oh God...whose hand was I holding??

Michael Ricketson said...

Ummm.... I might skip this movie! The thing about the inconsistencies is funny. Just yesterday I was watching Cher's "Mask" and noticed some apparent horizontal flipping of the image (like when Rocky says he's on someone's right, and he's really on her left). Anyway, fine job putting Necrosis in his place! :)

Evol Kween said...

You crack me up to no end Stacie :)

This review is up there with the Shark Attack 3 review.

Mike said...

Not only did I like that review, I like the way you did that review. Excellent writing there.

MAR said...

This sort of dialectic review format works really well. I'd love to read more reviews like this!

Paul said...

The did an old Twilight Zone episode where the ghosts of people killed in a concentration camp torment and kill a guard that comes back to the camp years later.

I think a movie about the vengeful spirits of people of people killed at Dachau (or on 9/11) coming back to get their revenge wouldn't be so tacky.

goblin said...

This is the best movie review I've ever read. I still hope to meet 'Ginger Snaps' in a grocery store one day, although that meeting would probably turn out pretty awkward as I would be gushing all over her and make a complete fool out of myself.

the2ndsuitor said...

Best review for a movie I'll never see. Does that mean Necrosis actually entertained me? I mean, beyond when we crushed 2 liters of soda in the cardboard compacter on lunch break.

dementia13 said...

Oh, no, Ginger Snaps doesn't bag groceries, Ginger Snaps works in a really cool record store. At least, that's what Burial Ground said last Friday, when Burial Ground came to pick up my garbage.

Tiffany? I'm holding out for a sequel that stars Debbie- err, Deborah Gibson.

Kerys said...

Actually this review was a hundred times more entertaining than the movies itself (and I'm a movie reviewer myself !). Thanks, Miss Final Girl, it was almost worth watching this badly-written piece of crap just to enjoy your riff ! ;)