FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Jun 24, 2011

hammer time


Holding true to the instrument of destruction for which it is named, the 1983 film Sledgehammer will bludgeon your psyche until all that remains is an unrecognizable pulpy mass. I'm not sure what I was expecting from this movie, purportedly the first shot-on-tape slasher flick made for the home video market...okay, maybe I expected a few things, considering it hails from David A. Prior, the writer/director of a little something called Killer Workout. I expected some laughs. I expected lots of, you know, 80s-ness. That "shot-on-tape" angle had me expecting crappy quality and the onset of a large bout of warm fuzzies (you know I loves my VHS). I got all of that, certainly, but then I got so much more, so much I had no way of anticipating. You see, you don't watch Sledgehammer, oh no. Sledgehammer HAPPENS TO YOU.

The film opens with a shot of a nice farmhouse nestled in a lush valley. After lingering on this farmhouse for 20 seconds or so, we become privy to the horrors that wait within: mom's a big ol' slut who's here with her lover, but also with her son. She finds a quick resolution to this problem by locking her son in a closet. At this point, we witness the Sledgehammer's first egregious use of slo-mo. The time it takes to zoom from here:


to here:


is 30 seconds. 30 seconds! It's obvious that the slo-mo represents the idea that being locked in a closet totally messes with the boy's mind; it takes longer for the viewer to realize, however, that it also means that Sledgehammer is messing with your mind. Sledgehammer plays by its own temporal and spatial rules, but the thing is, it actually HAS no rules. Sledgehammer does what it wants! Sledgehammer says FUCK YOU.

As mom and lover are about to get down, someone wielding a sledgehammer- go figure, right?- also gets down, but, like, in a death-making way, not a love-making way. That would just be sick!


Ten years later, a group of...of...people, I guess...okay. I know they're people, yeah, but that's the best I can figure out as to who these people are. In my notes, I wrote "Van full of___________?" They're a group of people. They're driven to the house in a van, then dropped off. I guess they're friends...? There are some couples. They're all too old for college. They unpack their bags from the van in slo-mo. They really enjoy going "Woo! Wooooooooo!" a lot. I guess it doesn't really matter who they are or why they're at this house, beyond that most horror movie of reasons: a weekend of partying. Woo! Wooooooooo! Sledgehammer plays by its own rules, period.

One of the couples, Chuck and...girl, are apparently having problems. Chuck insists that for this weekend, at least, they should forget their troubles and have a good time (Wooooooooo!). It's a good attitude to have, for it saves the writer of Sledgehammer the bother of things like "explanations" and "character development". All we need to know about Chuck is this: he is played by Ted Prior, star of Killer Workout and brother of director David. He walks around barechested most of the time. He plays the acoustic guitar whilst barechested. He looks like a walking, talking page from the International Male catalogue. I love Chuck! All we need to know about his girlfriend "girl" is this: she puts up with Chuck.

In a sequence meant to show that Chuck and girl are, I guess, forgetting their troubles, tender flute and guitar music plays as the couple walks...and walks. Then Chuck grabs a handful of girl's hair and yanks her backwards.


Then they walk some more, pointing to something offscreen. Then they walk. Then Chuck puts his beer can on girl's head, then their romantic walk is over. Oh, by the way- this all happens in slo-mo, and the scene takes TWO MINUTES.


Hold on, I just got a telegram from Sledgehammer!


After a party scene where the guys go "Woo! Wooooooooo!" and crush beer cans, there's a dinner scene. Chuck dumps mustard on girl's head, and this leads to a food fight and more "Woo! Wooooooooo!"-ing. This group continues to baffle me, particularly girl. Chuck, our hero, is an a-hole!


That night, Chuck decides they should hold a seance. He tells the story of Easy Mom, the Lover, and the Boy in the Closet, and we see...everything we saw at the beginning of the film. Again. Slo-mo included. Chuck and one of the other guys have set up some practical jokes to go along with the spirit summoning, but as you might expect, the real spirit of the boy in the closet is resurrected. I think? I don't know.



As you know by now, Sledgehammer does as Sledgehammer wants, and what Sledgehammer wants is not to explain squat. All I know for sure is that years of living in a closet didn't stunt the sledgehammer-wielding dude's growth at all, because he's 10 feet tall. No really...he barely fits in the hallway!





Is it the boy? Did he survive and grow up, like, in the closet? Where did the (admittedly creepy) mask come from? You'll never know what's going on- not ONLY because nothing is explained, but because like I said: Sledgehammer follows its own rules of time and space. The man is there, then he's gone, then he's the boy, then he's the man, then he's in two places at once. It's even suggested that the hammer itself is a ghost- a ghost sledgehammer!- I guess. At least, that's what I understood when it faded from view. There's no logic to ANY of it. Oh Sledgehammer, you so crazy!





All of this mindfuck is wrapped up in a fuckier mindfuck: the INSANE amounts of slo-mo and freeze frames used throughout, and oh honey, the score. The synth track drones and drones and drones and persists in your earholes until it becomes something akin to tinnitus. It's possible that you're not even really HEARING it anymore, but it's there, always there, knocking at the back door of your brain. There's a lethargy to the entire affair that you cannot escape. Eventually it's over, but then...it's never really over. Again, this is a movie that happens to you and once Sledgehammer is in your head, my friends, I fear it will never leave.

What's going on here? Your guess is as good as mine.

And that is nothing short of awesome! It's rare that you meet a movie that doesn't give a flying fuck about things like rules and logic and reality and what YOU think- and I mean all that not strictly in regards to filmmaking acumen, but more in regards to...I don't know, the accepted laws of SCIENCE. Sledgehammer just IS, and you can either get with that program or not. It's SO goddamn VHS, from the "Director of Videography" credit to the fonts used in those credits to the impression you get that it was largely edited in-camera to the feel...the feel of it! The sound of it! The slight blur, the white hallways, the washed-out colors, the tin can audio...Sledgehammer feels less like a horror movie and more like an ambitious home-made commercial you'd see on public access.

Chuck has had ENOUGH

If this has you on your knees crying "I need to see Sledgehammer!", then my work here is done, because you DO need to see Sledgehammer. Gather your friends, lock the doors, sit back, and let Sledgehammer pummel you into submission.


Kids, looking for a fun drinking game? Read this review aloud and drink everytime you say "sledgehammer"!

14 comments:

Marvin the Macabre said...

Hilarious write-up. But somehow I don't feel the need to watch Sledgehammer now. In fact, I think all the entertainment I would get out of Sledgehammer is right here in this post. So does that mean you haven't done your job, or you have? You did just save me 80 minutes of my life after all.

Ryne said...

I need a sledgehammer to the face, because I've never heard of this film before. I'll be adding this to my queue and woo wooing all night. I hope Sledgehammer is kind enough to send me a telegram.

Ryan Clark said...

OMG I NEED TO SEE SLEDGEHAMMER!!! I hope the killer is as creepy as he seems to be in those screenshots. Also, the cinematography looks surprisingly good for a shot on video flick.

Steven and Elizabeth said...

God, that sounds awesome. Just looking at the stills made me want to take a shower. But then again, most 70's films make me want to take a shower.

Is it possible to find a copy of this gem without having to build a time machine, and pilot said time machine back to a Van Nuys video store in 1983?

ScandyTangerineMan said...

LOVED it. So cheap and meandering at times, but the Prior Brothers were young and adventurous, and the whole thing was a fucking joy! Just great.

Art Almquist said...

I loved this review so much that I sent it to a friend, and I had to share her immediate response with you:

"my eyes are still leaking!!! how crap, that review is funnier than any movie I have seen in like...I don't know, maybe EVER. the telegram!!! the telegram!!! oh, I am crying again...."

You are truly one of the smartest and funniest writers out there, and I love that you write about horror. And the 80s. And horror in the 80s. Is there anything better???

scarina said...

Wow, Chuck looks kind of like the Monster from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Stacie Ponder said...

It just got a DVD release, so it should be fairly available. I saw it at a store today!

the2ndsuitor said...

SOLD!

Have you seen Blood Lake? That is some VHS goodness. Tell Tony I sent you!

zombivish said...

Apparently Sledgehammer is the honey Badger of VHS films, it just don't give a shit.
One Teeny-Tiny issue with the write up though (really Teeny-Tiny): You mention David A. Prior and his Killer Workout, but not the awesomeness that is Deadly Prey?
I assume this is because a) you haven't seen Deadly Prey and are rushing to correct that as i type this or
B) You are too cool for school (which we all know you are) and figured everyone already knows the glory that is Deadly Prey and you wanted to spread the love to some of Mr. Prior's other work.

Marc P. said...

This movie is for sale on VHS. Yes, VHS! The Mondo Tees folks in Austin started their own VHS label this year. This year!

http://blog.mondotees.com/2011/05/09/mondo-video-is-here-vhs-lives/

Oops. It's sold out. But here is where you COULD have bought it. I, myself, could not make it through the trailer. But I love reading about it!

http://www.mondotees.com/Sledgehammer-VHS_p_281.html

Stacie Ponder said...

I'm afraid I've only seen the POSTER for Deadly Prey, but I feel confident assuming that I'll love it as much as I love Prior's other work. I need to track it down!

I swear, it's like Mondo is simply a printer hooked up to my brain. I love everything they do.

StuartOhQueue said...

Thanks for the heads up. That looks awesomely bad. I need a true crapsterpiece after sitting through the mediocrity that was "Sword and the Sorcerer." There's nothing worse than going into a bad movie, hoping for hilarity, and receiving mundanity.

Reelybored said...

LOL hilarious review. Makes me just want to check this movie out with a couple of friends and a few drinks and laugh our asses off!