Final Girl

awesome movie poster friday - the AUSSIE edition!

2012-01-27T13:02:00.007-05:00

Guys, geez, don't avoid these films just because they're from Australia. Order up some Outback Steakhouse takeaway, grab any one of these and have a good time...on the barbie, know what I mean?

Good, because I don't.

But for serious, there are some terrific horror movies from...I was going to say the land down under, but I will refrain...Australia. Feel like watching some crazy big animal go nuts? Then hold hands with Razorback! Or Rogue or Black Water! Want to get your stylish violence on? Wolf Creek awaits! Or maybe you're into really really great cerebral horror that has no interest in holding your hand at all...in that case, Lake Mungo and Picnic at Hanging Rock might be for you (no joke, Lake Mungo is so good) (I mean, so is Picnic at Hanging Rock, but everybody knows that).

Oh muh gah, remember when, thanks to Crocodile Dundee, America went through that crazy for Australia phase and then they made Shrimp on the Barbie starring Cheech Without Chong and Emma Samms of television's General Hospital and Dynasty? Now that's horrifying.

Gather 'round whilst I tell the tale...

2012-01-20T15:27:00.002-05:00

...of the next Film Club choice!

YES I've got a bad case of Slasher Fever (and an unrelated rash)!

YES I've seen this movie before and

YES I've even reviewed it before and

NO I do not care!

Let us all get gorked out and talk about...

HELL NIGHT (1981)

I've been dying- DYING I SAY- to rewatch this one and so I'm going to and I'm dragging you all with me. So I'm gonna bust out my VHS copy and you guys can stream it or rent it or whatever it is you guys are gonna do. Here is how you can get your Film Club on!

1. watch the movie
2. write a review or post pictures of your Hell Night cosplay (PLEASE DO THAT)
3. link to Final Girl somewhere in your review
4. email me the link: stacieponder at gmail dot com
5. bask in the warm embrace of your fellow Film Clubbers

That's it! If you wrote a review of Hell Night a million years ago and you want to be included, that's fine. Just add the link to Final Girl in there somewhere and send it along.

Sometimes emails end up in spam, sometimes they don't go through at all. If Film Club day rolls around and you're not listed, it's a mistake, it's not personal, geez. Send me a note or leave a comment and I'll fix it. Film Club time is crazy! So.

The film: Hell Night (1981)
The due date: Monday, February 13

awesome movie poster friday - the SLASHER MISH-MASH edition!

2012-01-20T15:04:00.006-05:00

Thanks to this I have been knee-deep in slasher flicks for days and days and it's been a real treat. I mean, slashers are the reason I started this blog way back when, and I've had much fun reveling in them again. They're just terrible and awesome! Like the ad for Girls Nite Out...what the heck is that all about? It's everything that's awful and great about these movies wrapped up in one little piece.

And what's this "mish-mash" all about? Well, I've got some posters and some VHS boxes and some newspaper ads and I'm rolling around in The Good Old Days. Totally!

Getcher mini-comic here!

2012-01-16T15:21:00.000-05:00

Okay guys, Slashers 101 is done and ready to be printed! And then MAILED! Here's the cover again to jog your memory...and page 1, too!

I set up a STORE FRONT (oh, it looks so bare) where you can order it. $5.00 only! OR...$10 only for the sketch edition. The difference? The sketch edition includes a sketch on the back cover. Just tell me what you want- what you really, really want- and I'll draw it for you. Neat!

I hope you like it. I think it's pretty fun, but then I made it, so.

Edited to add a couple of things!

- For the sketch edition, I love you but try to keep them simple please! EG, "Jason Voorhees and his mom" is better than "Jason Voorhees and his mom at a tailgate party with the cast of Gimme a Break!" What I mean is, it's better for me- these are $5 sketches, after all. Although now I want to do Jason and his mom with Nell Carter and the brood....also and The Brood. Anyway, you know what I mean and I hope that's not gross to say. I will give you a good sketch no matter what, don't worry!

- I'm only going to the post office once a week- Thursdays or Fridays- so that will affect the shipping time, depending.

"The only reason she babysits is to have a place for..."

2012-01-14T16:50:00.000-05:00

"Shit."

"I have a place for that."

Here is a thing...

2012-01-11T14:10:00.000-05:00

...that I am doing!

It's a mini-comic (meaning, 8.5" x 5.5" DIY, baby). It's about time I did something like this! Basically, if someone were to ask you "What's a slasher movie?" and you'd read this comic, you would be able to answer. It's funny and full of facts and cool stuff. Neat! Why anyone would ask you that question I don't know, but people are weird and great sometimes.

Anyway, if I can help it I don't like to put stuff out there until it's DONE because things happen and stuff doesn't get finished or it must get put on the waaaaaay back burner or what have you. But! This will be done Monday and I wanted to share the cover because I think it's pretty spiff. Final page count is still unclear, but it will fall in the 24-28 range, most likely. It will be so cheap you'll puke your pants! I will let you know how to get one when I know how you can get one. I know it's DIY and a mini-comic, but I don't want the printing to be shitty. And I'd like the cover to be in color, like you see it. So I'll figure that all out!

And there will be a Final Girl book of sorts for everyone to hold! I hope it'll be just a part of something larger, but who knows yet.

More like "The Return the DVD to the Shelf", Amirite?

2012-01-09T09:59:00.000-05:00

Okay, maybe that's not fair. Actually, a more fitting title for The Return (2006) would be Sarah Michelle Gellar Looking at Things.

Gellar stars as Joanna, a young woman who...looks at things....as she attempts to figure out what the heck is going, which is weird because that's exactly what the audience does at the same time! Joanna is plagued by nightmares and visions and perhaps a dude in cruddy overalls who insists he just wants to talk to her but come on- we all know that he really wants to kill her.

And that's about it, for 90 minutes. The pieces sloooowly (those extra "o"s indicate emphasis with a capital HOLY CRAP THIS MOVIE IS QUIET AND SLOW BUT NOT IN A WAY THAT'S, LIKE, ATMOSPHERIC MORE JUST LIKE YOU WILL NOD OFF) come together as Joanna confronts her past and looks at more and more things. If you've ever said to yourself or someone else "You know, I really like the long-haired ghost girl Asian horror movies, like Ringu and stuff? But I don't like the scary parts, I only really like the mystery!", then you will be touching yourself or someone else over The Return- it plays like the obligatory mystery portion of an Asian ghost-filled horror flick. The film arrived during that wave of Asia Remake-a-Mania and because Gellar also starred in the wildly successful The Grudge, posters and ads were all "Oh yeah, you love this Asian shit and look! Sarah Michelle Gellar is here and she was in The Grudge and that was scary, so you know The Return is going to be scary because why would we lie?", but lie they did! The Return is far more thriller than horror; Joanna needs to solve the mystery not to bust ghosts or what have you, but so she can make an attempt at having a well-adjusted life.

As Joanna, Gellar is...well, it's hard to say. It's difficult to bring much energy to a lethargic film and a role that requires lots of...you know, looking. To be honest, it's difficult for me to judge Sarah Michelle Gellar objectively because of Buffy. It's probably ridiculous, but she's just one of those people- like Kristen Bell (Veronica fucking Mars) or everyone on Battlestar Galactica- who will always get a pass from me. She could be the worst actress to have ever drawn a breath, and I will just not see it. But while watching The Return, I admit, I felt a tug of "I guess she needed to pay the mortgage..." in my brain. I felt it tug harder when Sam Shepard showed up, though, so there you go.

I suppose it's not a terrible film. It sure looks nice, but the pacing absolutely kills it. When the pieces finally come together, you'll perhaps perk up a bit, realizing you've slumped far, far down into the sofa over the last 85 minutes. You'll have a drink of water, say "Oh, okay. Yeah, that's what I figured was going on.", turn it off, and shuffle off to bed for the night. Perhaps it's best to think of The Return as a sleep aid. It's like Lunesta for the eyes!

I'm not sure if that makes any sense, actually, but it'd still be a more appropriate marketing campaign for this movie.

like, drawings and whatever

2011-12-26T11:42:00.000-05:00

When Final Girl readers commission sketch cards or art, it's nearly always horror-related. Weird how that works, isn't it? WELL. I just posted a big batch of recent stuff and here are said horror-related commissions! The rest of them can be seen here, and FYI, I'm available to make more so get in touch if'n you want some.

These first four cards are a set- the buyer asked for a 4-card set featuring "the history of slashers", but what that meant was up to my interpretation. He listed a few movies he likes, but otherwise it was my choice. Sooo...I went for a theme within some of the landmark slasher flicks. I really had too many ideas, though, and my brain is wrestling with a bigger project.

For these next three (Texas Chain Saw, My Bloody Valentine, Halloween), the buyers wanted specific scenes.

awesome movie poster friday - the WINTERTIME edition!

2011-12-16T11:31:00.000-05:00

After 5 (I think) southern California winters, I am currently readjusting to a New England winter and I am a wimp! This isn't even a bad winter so far, but I find myself a shadow of my former self, wearing gloves and a scarf while the hearty folk around me are still clad in light jackets. As I acclimatize, I will simply have to drink as much fresh Dunkin' Donuts coffee as possible, I suppose.

But! It all brings to mind wintertime horror movies- not necessarily films centered around the holidays, but the ones full of so much snow and depressing, stark, bleakness of the season that you will put a Snuggie over your Forever Lazy even if you're watching them in July. It should be noted that I kind of love that depressing, stark, bleakness of the season and I'm happy to be in the midst of it again.

A few notes!

That Shining poster with the written note-according to LEGEND, Kubrick had designer Saul Bass work up 300 versions of the poster image, and I suppose this is one of them. I don't know why I put "legend" in all-caps, so don't ask.
Oh, Haunts. I watched it in bits and pieces and eventually made it all the way through. I'm unsure if I should give it another go, or if that would be a waste of time. It's one messed up little movie- and the ending! Okay, maybe I should watch it again. I'll probably regret it, but still.
Why did I only just find out that an alternate title for Devil Times Five (shown here under another alt title, The Horrible House on the Hill) is Peopletoys?? That is the best.
How many movies have used some variation on the tagline for Wind Chill ("There are some things worse than dying")? I'm sure Wind Chill isn't the first to use it, even. Also, I didn't think Wind Chill was that bad, really. SO SUE ME
That Dead Zone poster. What.
Have you seen The Children? I love it! It's at the top of my "watch it again" list.
Death House, btdubbs, is Silent Night, Deadly Night, which is one of those "I saw it a million years ago and I kind of hated it, but maybe I just wasn't in the mood or maybe even I just didn't get it at the time, so I should try again...or maybe it just stinks" kind of movies for me. You know how it is. Still, Mary Woronov!

cough

2011-12-15T14:54:00.000-05:00

Hi! Here I am, after 6++++ months of...I won't bother with the deets, but let's just say it's been 6++++ months of moving, living in a heck hole, moving, and moving again sprinkled with generous...err, sprinkles of horror movie apathy, writer's block, existential crises, pizza, and more. But none of that matters right now! What matters is that I am settled after months and months, I have internet in my home, and I actually feel like watching horror movies and getting the ol' FG back to what it was 4 years ago: fun for me to do. Horror used to be fun, and then for a multitude of reasons it wasn't, but I think it's getting back to that place. It is cause for rejoicement, so I made this!

So yes. I kind of hate "I'm back" posts, but, you know. I'm back.

Have you seen this Trail-Or for Argento's Dracula 3D yet? Watch now watch now watch now!

WHAT IS THAT. WHAT IS IT? This guy made Suspiria? How? But you know, I don't care. I want to see this big pile of hot 3D mess so bad! Hissing, topless vampires! Vampires going "rarrr!"! A giant praying mantis! Asia Argento! A vampire death scene rivaled only by that of Paul Reubens in Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Again: A GIANT PRAYING MANTIS!

Dracula 3D comes along right when I'm feeling all ready to jump back into horror's lovin' arms and nuzzle her matronly bosoms. Oh Argento, we couldn't have timed this better if we tried!

It's the final COUNTDOWN

2011-11-29T00:36:00.000-05:00

Do do do dooo

Do do do do dooo

Do do do dooo

Do do do do do do dooo

Et cetera.

The final countdown for what, you're asking? Why, for the RPG Kickstarter, of course! It is less than a week until it's all over (December 4). My, how time flies when you're something something.

But! It's still going strong, and the stronger it goes, the more RPG goodness I can make. As of this writing, there are still amazing incentive rewards to be had, like:

RPG page 41- original art- signed by moi and Felicia Day

The original art for the alternate cover to Pocket Hams and Troll Fats: RPG Collected, Volume 1 by the amazing Chrissie Zullo

A sketch of an RPG character by Fiona effing Staples (why, even I don't know who she's going to draw- ooh, mystery)

A page of original art from the forthcoming Dragon Age digital comic drawn by the mighty Chad Hardin (comic published by BioWare and Dark Horse)

The opportunity for you to be made into a super hero by actress/writer Brea Grant- she'll sketch ya and give you super powers and all sorts of cool stuff

RPG prints by me, Renae De Liz, and Meng Zhang

AND a super secret gonna-be-revealed soon reward that might have something to do with pocket ham. That's right.

So become a backer! Tell your friends and your "social" "networking" cyber comrades! It's good for your charisma AND your speechcraft, I swear.

gggfarrgle

2011-11-15T17:45:00.000-05:00

YOU GUYS, what the heck? Why is Final Girl just sitting here like that one friend you have who insists on coming to every group event but never wants to do anything? You know the one. The one who stays behind when you all walk out to the end of the pier (or whatever it is you people do), or who decides to take a nap when you want to go out to eat, or who insists on a chain restaurant when she decides to come along. WHAT IS GOING ON?

Nothing is going on, that's what! I haven't watched a movie- horror or otherwise- since I watched The Ward. What's happening in the world of horror? I couldn't tell you, except something about a new Resident Evil movie? I think? Oh, and Argento's Dracula 3D, kind of, which I talked a bit about the last time I posted. The truth is, things have been very abnormal in The House That Dripped Final Girl (that sounds gross) since May or so, and I expect they will continue to be abnormal for the next month or so as I settle into a new abode. Sorry about that, but, you know. It's pretty weird for me, too. I feel like both Rumpy and the baby!

Dang it, now I want to watch Rumpelstiltskin.

Anyway, conditions aren't allowing me to watch a shit ton of movies and the such right now so I've been focusing on comics- my webcomic RPG in particular. If you and I are fake cyber friends (and if we're not, why aren't we?) then perhaps you know that I'm currently running a Kickstarter campaign to finance publication of a print edition of my comic and much, much more. It's going super well, but it runs until December 4th, so spread the word like You Can't Believe It's Not Butter! It's good karma, and also +5 charisma.

So that's that. I hope to get mah shiz together and be watching all the movies I have on the shelf just staring at me accusingly (Yes, I SEE YOU The Case of the Bloody Iris, and you too, all of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies) in my off-hours from the comics-making. Life is weird, but life is good. I hope you can say the same. AWW.

awesome movie poster friday - the ARGENTO edition PART 2!

2011-11-04T11:35:00.000-04:00

That's right, this is the Argento Edition Part Two. Part One is hanging out here. Why more Argento? WELL. I find myself oddly intrigued by his forthcoming Dracula 3D. It just seems like it'll be a big clusterfuck, doesn't it? But I mean that in a decidedly boss way- it'll be a decadent clusterfuck in three whole dimensions! Like a cake made by an eight-year-old. Instead of simply having a cake and some frosting, it will have sprinkles, various syrups, gummy eyeballs, Hershey's kisses, and a Star Wars figure (Luke Skywalker in X-Wing pilot gear) on top. In other words, it'll be gross and horrible, but you can't look away and you can't help but admire the lack of restraint.

Now I can't wait for it!

SHOCKtober Day 31

2011-10-31T17:31:00.000-04:00

Here we are. The end of the month already! I'm fixin' to put on my costume (plague doctor...or, at least, a janky-ass plague doctor) and head out the door...but first, the all-important last couple of favorite characters! These are the only characters who got more than one vote...so y'all must really love 'em. I don't blame you.

Ash Williams (The Evil Dead)

I don't think anyone could have predicted that the last man standing in The Evil Dead would go on to become a favorite character. People loves some Ash! I wonder how many heads will explode when a casting decision is made should the Diablo Cody-penned E.D. remake come to pass.

Gill-Man (Creature from the Black Lagoon)

What is it about ol' Gilly? I can't quite say, but I know he's always been my favorite movie monster. There's something so cool about him...and believe me, I know cool! One time I saw Rick Springfield in concert.

SHOCKtober Day 30

2011-10-30T11:20:00.000-04:00

Ah, drawing to a close! Day 30 means tomorrow is Day 31 which means tomorrow is Halloween. Man oh man. Time sure flies when you're something something, huh? I feel particularly Halloweenie this year, as I've already even carved a pumpkin, scared some children, watched at least one terrible Halloween sequel on AMC, and had more than my share of Pumpkin Spice coffee. It's glorious! Now on to your choices, so few of which remain...

Phyllis (Last House on the Left)

You know, I've never seen this and I kind of doubt that I ever will. I did see the remake, though.

MICROWAVE OVEN.

Tarman (Return of the Living Dead)

Ten kinds of awesome, at least.

Kaplan (Resident Evil)

Sayeth the chooser (which is probably more than anyone has ever said on a character from Resident Evil, which is also ten kinds of awesome at least):

"When the RE movie comes up, Martin Crewes' performance is often mentioned. It kind of encapsulates part of what sets the first movie apart from the other, sucky ones - he does fear well. The sequels dispense with fear in favor of displays of effortless badassery, but fear reminds us that this screwed-up scenario is happening to actual (well, you know) people
and makes the threat more real.

More specific to Crewes' character, though, is a variation on the NotLD Barbra problem. He does the things we hope we wouldn't in that situation: mentally freezes and forgets the elevator password, is unable to beat the computer safeguards before everyone gets diced, etc. And yet, despite this, he proves capable of great courage in more considered moments: he pushes himself down the laser corridor with all the corpses alone; he insists on staying behind for a bad death so as not to endanger the others. These are not, in the scheme of things, grand actions - walking
down a hallway, staying put - but they become big, tense set pieces just because they require such courage - and because the character has such fear to overcome.

Crewes' character gives the impression of a techie who wanted to make more of himself in the field, which makes his ultimate stepping-up (despite his last-act demise) that much more satisfying. He's a quieter sort than many modern zombie flicks have time for, a less-assured, less-glamorous hero character, and the actor's more messily human than one would expect in a
videogame adaptation - but he gives a display of fortitude that's more memorable for me than that of most any movie."

SHOCKtober Day 29

2011-10-29T11:15:00.000-04:00

Jack Torrance (The Shining)

What? Jack and not Wendy? You people, I swear! Sigh, fine. Make your own choices. See if I care!

Brenda Bates (Urban Legend)

The chooser linked to this video, in which Brenda has clearly gone from zero to ca-RAY-zay, as the reason why:

awesome movie poster friday - the SHOCKTOBER 2011 edition!

2011-10-28T15:28:00.000-04:00

Each of these movies feature one of your favorite characters. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

SHOCKtober Day 28

2011-10-28T12:51:00.001-04:00

Lynda (Halloween)

Totally.

Jerry Dandridge (Fright Night)

Sayeth the chooser:

"Elegant, brutal, funny, suave and fingernails that would make a Jersey house wife jealous. When I think vampire, I think of ole' Jerry."

SHOCKtober Day 27

2011-10-27T13:59:00.001-04:00

I can't believe SHOCKtober is winding down already! Geez. I still haven't picked my favorite character yet! Oh well. Today y'all've chosen a couple of lovely ladies...

Yes, "y'all've".

May Canady (May)

I don't know, you guys. May is one of those movies that makes me feel like the odd woman out- people love it and I thought it was "okay...okay...what's going on...aww no." Maybe I should give it another try? After all, it took me a long time to really warm up to Rosemary's Baby.

Helen Lyle (Candyman)

Yes yes, a thousand times yes! Helen is a terrific character (thanks in large part to Virginia Madsen) and you know, Candyman just does not get enough love. Not enough! Not enough. Let's change that starting...now. Sayeth the chooser:

"The film's one of my all-time fave horrors (for obvs reasons) and Virginia Madsen was awesome in it. It's pretty sad but I even said 'Helen' 5 times in a mirror (when I was a kid!) because after she becomes her own urban-myth-thing at the end, only Trevor is really going to ever say her name in a mirror 5 times; I felt kinda sorry that she'd end up being a neglected urban myth. I guess I'd had an awful lot of sugar that day.

So yeah, Helen - for the additional reason she didn't have to deal with Farewell to the Flesh. Gah what a bad film."

SHOCKtober Day 26

2011-10-26T12:59:00.000-04:00

Mrs. Voorhees (Friday the 13th)

Aww. Ain't that a sweet picture? Poor Jason. Poor Mrs. Voorhees. If only those counselors hadn't been sexing it up and Jason didn't drown. Or if only Mrs. Voorhees could have afforded to send Jason to a daycare center. Or if only Mr. Voorhees hadn't been such a deadbeat dad. Things would have worked out so differently for the whole clan! But then if things had worked out differently, then Jason never would have (ever-so-slowly) made his way to Manhattan and punched off Julius's head, and truly that would be a shame.

The Bride (The Bride of Frankenstein)

Icon. Icon! And this delightful shot of the Bride taking a tea break comes from a terrific write-up on the film over at Moviediva:

Wednesday Comix: NIGHTMARE WORLD

2011-10-26T11:54:00.001-04:00

I can't believe how lax I've been in the pimping department. You see, there's a story in Nightmare World Voulem 3: Demon Days that's drawn by yours truly and I've neglected to tell you about it. What is wrong with me? Your Stacie Ponder shrine will be incomplete without it!

You DO have a Stacie Ponder shrine, don't you? I hope so. And I sincerely hope it looks like this:

So. You can add Nightmare World Volume 3 if you like, and not only will your shrine be at least 7% improved, you will also get 13 horror stories written by Dirk Manning and drawn by different artists! Wow, what a deal. I drew "Hungry Like the Wolf", a werewolf tale done stick figure style. In fact, I believe this volume marks the first time my stick art has officially appeared in print, so I'm pretty excited about that.

There, pimping complete. I now return you to your regularly-scheduled nonsense.

Final Girl's The Review

2011-10-25T16:43:00.000-04:00

When word of this so-called "John Carpenter's The Ward" began circulating, my ears were all like "We're perking up! A new John Carpenter movie? That takes place in a mental hospital? And Amber Heard is in it? Yes. Yes, we are definitely perking up." The Ward played a bunch of festivals and my brain was all like "Hey, yeah, still want to see that." Last night I finally made that dream come true, and now my ears and brain (and even, to some extent, my eyes) are all like "NO THE WARD, NOOOO. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD! WE WAITED FOR YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY US?"

Honestly, my ears and brain and eyes have a point. The Ward, you see, is a fucking slog to sit through. A slog I say! And so this review will probably be a slog to sit through as well, but at least there's not the extra layer of disappointment that The Ward boasts. I mean, it's a John Carpenter movie! While I don't expect everything to be a classic on par with his best work, there's still a bit of expectation on the part of a horror fan when the director's name is slapped onto the title. Here at Final Girl, there are no expectations! Therefore, when a review is a slog or some such, it's only one layer of suckiness. One layer of suckiness: that's my gift to you.

Anyway, The Ward. Way back in the mythological time known as "1966", a young lass named Kristen (Heard) sets fire to a farmhouse and is carted away to...you know, the ward. The psychiatric ward, that is! I know, you thought maybe she'd be taken to Montgomery Ward for some dungaree shopping, but nope- it's off to the "nut" "house" for Kristen.

Things at the North Bend Psychiatric Hospital are about as you'd expect: nurses are mean, orderlies are mean, doctors seem nice but are likely secretly mean, there are only five patients, all five patients are hot young women, each patient is easily-labeled (the "sexy" one, the "childlike" one, etc), the patients get to wear makeup and regular clothes, and so on and so on.

Kristen ain't havin' none of this "locked up" shit, though. I don't see why! These mental patients are kooky. Oh, and if you put on a record, they totally know how to have a good time. Yes, it's the obligatory "we're not crazy, we're whimsical" dance scene!

They also take super steamy showers together, because as I have intimated, they are not only crazy, they're crazy hot! In the face! And also the side boob! But! before you start thinking this is some Designer Imposters Girl, Interrupted, we get to the reason why we're here, and why The Ward is purportedly a horror movie: a ghost shows up in the shower and puts the scare into Kristen. See, she's not there to borrow some soap on a rope, oh no- this crunchy-looking dead girl is there to get homicidal.

"Do you have any moisturizerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I can borrowwwwww?"

No one believes Kristen about the ghost, of course. Or do they? Well, the staff doesn't. Probably. But her fellow patients do. Probably. It's all so mysterious!

At this point in the proceedings, The Ward chugs along in what one hopes is a forward-motion but in actuality it feels like it's chugging in place. This happens a few times:

Kristen says "I'm getting out of here!"
Kristen tries said getting out, is caught, is drugged and/or restrained
Kristen says "Hey, there's a ghost here, and she's gross and mean." (I'm paraphrasing that) (unfortunately)
Everyone is like "Nuh uh."
The ghost shows up behind a patient, wraps her Crackin' Oat Hands around the patient's throat, and kills the patient with some form of asylum therapy (Electroshock, lobotomy, etc)
Kristen says "Where is patient so-and-so?"
Everyone is like "She left".

AND SO ON. There's some sort of larger puzzle to be solved, and questions to be answered- what dark secret do the patients all share? What dark secret does Kristen have? Does the doctor have a dark secret? WHy haven't I watched that copy of Dark Secret of Harvest Home that I bought? It has Bette Davis and Tracey Gold in it! And by the time the answers all arrive, you likely shrug and give a "Oh yeah, that. Okay." It's not fresh and it's nothing you haven't seen before (and better), but still, I felt the explanation redeemed the boring-ass preceding 80 minutes a bit. A bit! It was familiar, but I didn't mind. That happens. I mean, I've had pancakes more than once, and it's not as if I've said every time after the first "Oh yeah, pancakes. Whatever." They're good, so I don't mind them.

Sorry, I've been thinking about pancakes a lot lately.

But then. But then! The Ward can't leave well enough alone and simply end and go away. Nooo, it has to have one of those ridiculous last-second "This makes absolutely no sense but SHOCK ENDING CUT TO CREDITS!" endings. There haven't been many of those that have actually worked, in my opinion. You've got your Friday the 13th, where the ending makes no sense but it's startling enough to be effective. Then you've got your Pieces which is so nonsensical that it actually obliterates the space-time continuum enough that it loops around on itself and ultimately makes perfect sense. But you, The Ward...just don't. On you it's cheap. Gauche, even!

"No, seriously, I need some moisturizer."

What's good about The Ward? Hmm. The ghost looked kind of neat, I guess. Amber Heard gave it her best, which isn't half-bad. Or maybe I just think that because she's so pretty. Pretty people are better at everything!

But I tells ya- if this wasn't a "John Carpenter" movie, I probably wouldn't even review it. There's a chance I wouldn't have even watched it. But, like virtually every other horror fan out there, I was curious (and yes, excited) to see what he'd do after a decade away from the big screen. And what he did...doesn't feel like a "John Carpenter" film. Sure, his ability kept The Ward from being total crap, but that's about it. There's no tension, only cheap jump scares. It's a plodding slog of a bore to sit through. Both the signature Carpenter score and his use of Panavision are sorely, sorely missed. The Ward falls into that dreaded no-man's land of "I've seen worse, but I've seen way, way better." Oh well. At least I've now seen it. That's...something, right?

SHOCKtober Day 25

2011-10-25T15:56:00.001-04:00

Rosemary Woodhouse (Rosemary's Baby)

Fascinating* fact! Rosemary's Baby is one of only a couple of movies with so many of your favorite characters in it that it's featured more than once during SHOCKtober.

*okay, maybe not "fascinating", necessarily

Dead Dad (The Sentinel)

Sayeth the chooser:

"Thought about this for a while and I have to say it is most definitely the dead father from The Sentinel. It was a tough call because while he was really disturbing eating cake naked with two pretty grotesque women I have to go postmortem. One reason, his robotic motion scene before Alison cuts him up and this:"

SHOCKtober Day 24

2011-10-24T17:40:00.001-04:00

Bobbie Markowe (The Stepford Wives)

Helicopter Zombie (Dawn of the Dead)

Sayeth the chooser (Brent Schoonover, whom we have to thank for this "favorite character" idea!):

"I really am kicking myself for coming up with this idea and then totally blanking on who to choose. In the end it came down to Helicopter Zombie from Dawn of the Dead. Mainly cause of memories of having a horror movie marathon in my basement and losing my shit when I saw this scene. Good times."

SHOCKtober Day 23

2011-10-23T15:13:00.001-04:00

Megan (The House of the Devil)

Sayeth the chooser:

"I hardly remember what she did or said (something about pizza maybe?) but I do remember watching House of the Devil and saying out loud, many times, "Dude, Megan RULES!" and I only call my wife “dude” when I’m really excited."

Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)

SHOCKtober Day 22

2011-10-22T12:06:00.000-04:00

Jesse (Near Dark)

Norman Bates (Psycho)

SHOCKtober Day 21

2011-10-21T21:08:00.000-04:00

Paquita Maria Sanchez (Dead Alive, aka Brain Dead)

The Tall Man (Phantasm)

Sayeth the chooser:

"I like your Kruegers and Myers and Voorheeses as much as the next guy, but
it's The Tall Man who's the man. I mean if your name is Angus Scrimm you're
already cooler than almost the whole world.

Drivin' around in that cool hearse, killing priests, digging up bodies and
compacting them into those great li'l jawa guys, saying "Boooooy!" to boys,
I want to work for that man.

Just don't watch Phantasm III. In fact please stomp to death any copies you find
even if they don't belong to you."

SHOCKtober Day 20

2011-10-20T11:08:00.000-04:00

Dr. Lucio Fulci (A Cat in the Brain)

Jigsaw / John Kramer (Saw)

Sayeth the chooser:

"He's the thinking man's (or woman's) slasher, devious and purposeful, teaching valuable life lessons whilest producing narley, gory Rube Goldberg-esque contraptions. Gotta love it!"

SHOCKtober Day 19

2011-10-19T11:04:00.000-04:00

Darryl Revok (Scanners)

RJ MacReady (The Thing)

Sayeth the chooser:

"Here's what he means to me: years ago, as a way to say "fuck you" to the Man, I registered for my Safeway card using a fake address and RJ MacReady as my name. (the Man cowered in fear, of course.) So now, more than a decade later, I still see 'THANK YOU RJ MACREADY' at the bottom of all my receipts and sometimes the checker says 'Thank you, Mr. MacReady.' That's living!"

SHOCKtober Day 18

2011-10-18T11:01:00.000-04:00

Marta (Deep Red)

Hugo (Dead of Night)

Ventriloquist dummies aren't scary at all. Nope. Not at all.

SHOCKtober Day 17

2011-10-17T10:40:00.000-04:00

Dr. Decker (Nightbreed)

Eleanor Lance (The Haunting)

Oh, Eleanor.

SHOCKtober Day 16

2011-10-16T10:29:00.000-04:00

Ms. Pickman (In the Mouth of Madness)

Sayeth the chooser:

"First of all, you can't help but love Frances Bay, perfectly cast as she is, but although all her little touches are great wherever they are needed (such as the pan down to her husband handcuffed to her ankle) what really gets to me, my favorite horror movie moment of all time, is when Trent runs to his car, looks back and sees her/the monster standing in the glasshouse.

The build up has been great, with the picture in the hallway mutating and the nasty basement scene, but then all of that is dwarfed by Trent pausing in his steps. Seeing Ms.Pickman axing her husband to pieces in the shadow and then watching Trent getting hurled through a door by Styles, all that happens in a flash, no time to catch your breath, for either us nor Trent.

This is horror for me, horror isn't gunning away at the bad guys. Horror is realizing that something you depend on for your reality to function isn't what it used to be."

Beef (Phantom of the Paradise)

SHOCKtober Day 15

2011-10-15T10:20:00.000-04:00

Kolchak (Kolchak: The Night Stalker)

Captain Blake (The Fog)

Sayeth the chooser:

"He's just cool, right? He can swing a mean cutlass; he's got those big bright eyes that seem to bore into your soul (he gets me!); he's not greedy - six were marked, six were taken - he wasn't all 'Say, the night's still young and we've got all this extra fog floating around...let's keep a-killin'!'ALSO there were NO STUPID SEQUELS to water down (heh) his enigmatic aura."

SHOCKtober Day 14

2011-10-14T10:11:00.000-04:00

Michael Myers (Halloween 1-michaelmyers.com)

this may or may not be the Michael Myers from the movies

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come (Scrooge, 1970)

SHOCKtober Day 13

2011-10-13T10:02:00.000-04:00

Final girls represent! Put on a stinky sweater and dream us all into a beautiful dream!

Ginny Field (Friday the 13th Part 2)

Kristen Parker (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors)

SHOCKtober Day 12

2011-10-12T09:57:00.000-04:00

Dr. Phibes (The Abominable Dr. Phibes)

Graboids (Tremors)

SHOCKtober Day 11

2011-10-11T09:38:00.000-04:00

The Stuff (The Stuff)

I love that someone's favorite character is a jar of...well, stuff. Horror movies rule!

Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th parts 1-1246895)

This guy must be pretty obscure or something because I've no idea who he is.

SHOCKtober Day 10

2011-10-10T03:20:00.000-04:00

Lefty Enright (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2)

Sayeth the chooser:

"Dennis Hopper effortlessly walks the line between tongue in cheek and genuinely badass in away I don't think anyone else has quiet managed. Watch!!! Him freak out then delight a Hardware Store Attendant. Marvel!!! As he kicks in a mural of Daniel Boone and releases a torrent of intensities!!! Clap With Glee!!! As he makes a room full of serial killers shit their pants with a rendition of the old hymn "Bringing In The Sheeves".

How much do I like Lefty Enright? I have unironically used his phrase "Lord, show me what I fear so I don't fear it no more." IN ACTUAL PRAYER. So there you go, from Dennis Hopper's lips to God's Ears, my choice for best Horror character."

Carrie White (Carrie)

There's never a time that Carrie White doesn't break my heart into a zillion pieces. And though things didn't quite work out for Carrie and Tommy at the prom (umm, understatement), at least they're together again in our SHOCKtober festivities!

SHOCKtober Day 9

2011-10-09T03:12:00.000-04:00

The Things (The Thing)

You guys, I saw a trailer for the remake of Carpenter's film. I...will...not get angry about remakes anymore! I will watch the original (err, the original remake, technically speaking, I guess) and that's that.

Ray Cameron (Night of the Creeps)

Umm. Yes.

Sayeth the chooser:

- reluctant hero
- great dialogue, including best movie tagline ever
- sympathetic backstory
- gets to do a scene with the legendary Dick Miller and ask him for a flamethrower
- oh yeah, and HE IS PLAYED BY TOM ATKINS!

SHOCKtober Day 8

2011-10-08T03:15:00.000-04:00

Bruno (Spider Baby)

Sayeth the chooser:

"My favorite horror movie character is Bruno, the loveable chauffeur from "Spider Baby." I love that he keeps a foot in the outside world but totally commits himself to the Merrye "children" and their insane worldview - he's careful to talk to the girls in a way that makes sense to them, and even when he's disciplining them he does it in terms they understand. But he never just gives up and caves to the insanity: he keeps order within the demented boundaries of the household (cannibals stay in the basement), and does his best to protect the outside world from the Merryes as much as he's protecting the Merryes. When he realizes it's time for drastic steps to be taken, he's willing to go down with the ship. ("It's gonna make a big flash and go bang!" "Oh boy!") And he does it with love. His tearful farewell speech to the girls, when he gathers them to his knee, just gets me every time. He loves his family and he loves his work. He's an example to us all! When I go bonkers, I want Bruno to take care of me. "

He is super huggable.

Herbert West (Re-Animator)

Doing science.

Herbert's appearance reminds me that I REALLY need to revisit all the Stuart Gordon Lovecraft flicks. Really.

SHOCKtober Day 7

2011-10-07T13:56:00.000-04:00

One could write a...a...blog post about how awesome today's favorite characters are!

Mind you, I said "could", not "is going to".

Laurie Strode (Halloween, Halloween II, Halloween H2O, I will not acknowledge Halloween: Resurrection except right there where I said I'm not going to acknowledge it)

"Alberto VO5 Hot Oil Treatment? No, I've never heard of it. Why do you ask?"

She's the Final Girl, isn't she? I mean, really.

Minnie Castevet (Rosemary's Baby)

I know it's a classic and all, but I was never into Rosemary's Baby like, at all (I KNOW) until a random viewing of it a summer or two ago. I get it now. I do. I get it.

Also, I don't know why I feel like telling you this, but when you enter "Minnie Cast" into Google image search, the predictive results are "Minnie Castevet" and "Minnie Cast Iron Multifuel Wood Log Burning Stove 6.5kw". So there you go.
`

SHOCKtober Day 6

2011-10-06T13:50:00.000-04:00

Chucky (Child's Play)

This is kind of my new favorite picture ever. Oh Chucky, you rascal!

Chris Higgins (Friday the 13th Part 3)

"But what's happening behind me doesn't even make any sennnnnsssssssse!"

Chris doesn't get nearly enough love when the topic of Final Girls comes up. Why do we always forget about this axe-wielder who wielded an axe into Jason's friggin' head? Give the girl some respect, all of us besides the person who chose Chris as a favorite! Really, she's the last decent Final Girl the Friday films had. *tear*

SHOCKtober Day 5

2011-10-05T13:41:00.000-04:00

Grandpa (The Lost Boys)

Gramps is the only Lost Boys character to get a vote. That's so rad! In your face, Coreys and Kiefer! And you too, Jami Gertz!

Tommy Ross (Carrie)

I want to lie in a bed of his pillowy hair. Oh, and here's why the chooser chose this...choice.

SHOCKtober Day 4

2011-10-04T07:50:00.000-04:00

These two favorite characters couldn't be more different...or maybe I mean ALIKE.

(I mean different)

Pinhead (Hellraiser, Hellraiser in Space, Hellraiser in the Computer, Hellraiser in the Old Days, That Hellraiser with Kari Wuhrer, Some Other Hellraisers Probably)

Sayeth the chooser of Pinhead: "Pinhead. Specifically, Doug Bradley as Pinhead, because fuck that new guy. I don't even know his name, but seriously, fuck that guy. Also, if I can be even more specific, Doug Bradley as Pinhead in the original Hellraiser. The sequels are mostly awful."

Scotty Parker (Silent Scream)

If anybody every asks why someone would choose Scotty Parker, I would just silently point to this picture. SILENTLY and SCREAMINGLY, I mean.

SHOCKtober Day 3

2011-10-03T07:37:00.000-04:00

Oh man, some choices here. Some real fuckery that gets in your head!

Zelda (Pet Sematary)

Did you know that it's a dude playing Zelda? It is. I always thought it was Amanda Plummer.

The Dwarf (Don't Look Now)

I love this movie. I love this OUT OF NOWHERE DID THAT REALLY JUST HAPPEN WHAT IS THAT ending. I love Donald Sutherland's fro and stache. It's all so good.

SHOCKtober Day 2

2011-10-02T07:32:00.000-04:00

Today, we've got some decidedly non-human favorite characters. That's okay. We here at Final Girl do not discriminate.

Except against Paul Reiser, of course.

Xenomorphs (all those Alien films)

The Xenomorph is on the right and looks rather friendly, I think.

Gizmo (Gremlins)

"I coulda been a contendah."

SHOCKtober Day 1

2011-10-01T07:22:00.000-04:00

The votes are in! Your favorite characters have been named! Here's how it's gonna work, y'all. Hold on to your pants and brains, because it's pretty complicated: I'm going to...drum roll...publish a couple of characters each day! Nearly everyone got but one vote, so they're not in any ranked order. They just...are. Isn't that freeing?

This was a super tough assignment, I know. In fact, I still haven't chosen my favorite. But you have! So let's get this started with...

Heidi (The Initiation)

Sam (Trick 'r Treat)

Honestly, I can't believe that Heidi didn't get all the votes, but whatever, you guys.

Can't stop the SHOCK (tober)

2011-09-07T15:39:00.001-04:00

So, I'm doing a SHOCKtober celebration over at Jill Sandwich as well. It's the same idea as FG's 2010 listmania, but...you know. Horror video games. Head on over and check it out, then send me your list! I love lists. Everyone loves lists. Hooray!

It's coming! SHOCKtober is coming!

2011-09-02T13:42:00.000-04:00

Attention good people of The Internet! The time is here! That's right- it's time to begin preparations for next month, which is October, which around these parts is known as SHOCKtober, which is the best month of them all.

I realize I have been terribly remiss in my Final Girl duties. This summer has been...mmm, I don't know. Strange? Awful? Sort of both. But summer is drawing to a close, so I say: fuck summer. It's time for the shelves of my grocery store to be stocked with Candles of Doom and plastic skulls! It's time for horror movies to be everywhere! This ain't no place for summer. So git, summer! Git on now!

I've been mulling over SHOCKtober possibilities for a while now- what to do during this most excellent time? Stately Final Girl Manor is changing location yet AGAIN at the end of this month, and it's going to put me out of some commission for a while. I enjoyed the interactivity of last year's festivities, for sure. Given these factors, again I say- what to do?

Well, my pal Brent Schoonover is smart and he came up with a great idea right away: favorite horror characters. YOUR favorite horror characters- who are they? Let's figure it out!

Now, before you go shouting everything all willy-nilly and chaotic-like, I need to establish some rules to the process, to listen up, maggots!

First, as a thanks to Brent for this stellar interactive idea, go visit his website and look at all of his dazzling art. Seriously, it dazzles. If you really like it, and you really like me, you should get a copy of Mr. Murder is Dead! That's right, I'm straight-up pimpin' it. But dudes, for real, we worked really hard on it- and it's cheap and it's good. So check it out!

Second, the rules of this game: send me an email with the name of your ONE favorite FICTIONAL character in all of horrordom. You don't need to tell me WHY you like this character, unless you want to. Just one! Fictional!

how could you not vote for vampire puppy?

If it's a character without a proper name, that's fine. So, say, "the bear from Grizzly" works. If it's a group of samey-sames, that's fine too- such as, "the troglodytes in the pit in The Pit" is keen. If you want to get specific for characters that have been portrayed by more than one actor, go for it. For example, I'm sure that Frank Langella is everyone's favorite Dracula, but maybe you like Christopher Lee for some reason. Stick to movies, although characters who were born elsewhere and migrated to movies (like Swamp Thing, say) are obviously a-okay.

No character is too big or too small! Do you like a heavy hitter such as Freddy Krueger best? Or are you more of an Annie Brackett type (you probably should be)? The choice is yours! Let me know and, depending on how many results I get, I'll...figure out something to do with all this info. Last year it was crazy, and this will likely be the same.

I don't envy you this task, friendos. I have no idea who my choice will be. Oh, if only Briefcase Woman had been in a horror movie!

Send your email with THE WORD CHARACTER in the subject line and YOUR CHOICE in the EMAIL BODY to stacieponder AT gmail DOT com by SUNDAY SEPT 19. Let's do this!

when there's no more room at the library...

2011-08-05T19:24:00.000-04:00

Zombies, am I right? It's kind of amazing to me how resilient the subgenre has proven in recent years, considering its heyday, if you ask me, was in the late 1970s/early 80s...but then, I suppose, fads are supposed to be cyclical. At least, I hope they are; at long last, I've mastered the Macarena and I'm dying to bust it out somewhere.

But really, did any horror fan expect zombies to make such a hardy comeback? I didn't. Sure, they never went away completely, but for a while they were quiet, shuffling around in the background while other monsters had their moments. You know, monsters like Freddy, Michael, and Jason, who starred in some of the worst sequels in the history of...sequels. Or those monsters from TV shows on the WB, whose faces filled the dull posters for tepid slasher-style flicks and remakes. George Romero was making movies without a zombie in sight, while a DVD rerelease of his seminal film Dawn of the Dead was something to celebrate.

Oh, my friends, how the times have changed. Was it 28 Days Later that ushered in the new zombie era? Perhaps. Whether the opening of the floodgates can be traced back to one particular movie or book is irrelevant; the fact is, zombies have infiltrated film, videogames, literature, television, and even everyday life ("zombie walks", anyone?) like no one could have anticipated. Nothing else in horror (or fantasy, or...you know, genre-stuff) comes close- not vampires, despite the popularity of Twilight. Not witchcraft and wizardry. Nothing! Zombies are everywhere, and it seems they're not going ANYWHERE.

In Zombies! An Illustrated History of the Undead, writer/film director Jovanka Vuckovic explores...well, the book's title says it all, doesn't it? From the origins of the zombie in Haitian history to the current craze for the genre, this slim volume provides a broad look at the walking dead in all forms of pop culture.

For me, the book's earliest chapters are the most informative, as I am but a humble ignoramus regarding Haitian voodoo rituals and religious rites. Vuckovic spends some time doling out the history before segueing into the earliest days of the zombie genre in film and literature. I'm not terribly well-versed in 1930s and 40s horror, say, so I found myself LEARNING. This is good. I like learning.

In later chapters, such as "Back from the Dead: Zombies in the New Millenium", the book becomes a bit more "Vuckovic on Zombies" than "History" as the author provides her opinion on films and other media. There's no denying that she's an authority on horror, and her opinion is certainly an educated one- her tenure at Rue Morgue Magazine is proof of that- but I found myself getting all defensive about a few topics at hand. She calls Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead an "unnecessary remake", which...I don't know, maybe it is. But I can't help but think it's got merits of its own, completely independent from what George Romero did in the original 30 years prior. Vuckovic rips much more harshly into Paul WS Anderson's Resident Evil, and again, I found myself, you know, defending my own opinions to a book. Resident Evil is probably crap- in fact, you can probably take away the "probably"- but sometimes crap is fun. Sometimes crap is good! Obviously Vuckovic is entitled to her own opinions and NO book is completely objective, but there were times throughout that I simply wanted more "facts" and not to be made to feel like a brainless, drooling dolt because I like a certain movie or two. I may be a brainless, drooling dolt, sure, but a history book shouldn't necessarily remind me of it.

Or maybe I'm just too much of an opinionated horror fan myself. After all, I do have a blog.

"Booooook...wait, I mean braaaaiiins...."

Zombies! works best, perhaps, as a resource. With sizable lists of films and books featuring the undead- not to mention all of the titles Vuckovic discusses in the chapters proper- there is plenty of gut-munching media out there for readers to check out. Throw in the hundreds of photos and illustrations, and the book becomes all but indispensable for zombie fanatics everywhere. Romero fans in particular will be pleased; the genre's most famous figure provides a foreword and, not surprisingly, is featured heavily throughout the book. I was happy to see two of my loves- comics and videogames- get plenty of attention.

I have a few nerdy gripes (beyond my already established, whiny "But I LIKE Resident Evil!" complaint)- where's the bibliography? Zombies Ate My Neighbors is not a first-person shooter! and so on- but overall, Zombies! is a terrific addition to any genre lover's bookshelf. It's brought ample movies and books to my attention, likely giving me undead fodder for years to come (The Chilling? What's that? I have no idea, but I'm gonna check it out)...proving yet again that zombies will never die.

Unless you shoot 'em in the head, I guess.

I watched stuff: Asian Invasion!

2011-07-25T17:22:00.000-04:00

Man, I have been watching stuff like a crazy person, I tells ya! By which I mean I've been watching a lot of stuff...not necessarily that I've been watching stuff in the same manner a crazy person would watch stuff. Although I suppose I can't say that for sure, because I've never watched a crazy person watch stuff, nor have I watched myself watch stuff.

Or have I?

Anyway.

Ju-On 2 (2000)
I've mentioned before that I'm a pretty big apologist for Asian horror films, in particular the ghost stories. It really doesn't take much to get me on board with whatever vengeful spirit is going to essentially stare at people...to death! It's simply another of horror's subgenres that I've a weakness for; I realize that's a huge list (have I ever told you about the time I LOVE MOVIES WHEREIN ONE PERSON TRIES TO DRIVE ANOTHER INSANE FOR THEIR INHERITANCE?), but I am just saying. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but I super wicked enjoyed Ju-On. It is what it is, and what it is is a bunch of really scary scenarios stitched together with the barest hint of a storyline. "Yeah, if someone dies when they're all pissed off, they come back as a ghost and whatever. Oh, this lady and her kid were murdered, so here they are being scary ghosts." Simple. I like it!

In fact, many people enjoyed it. So many that Ju-On blew up, becoming a franchise juggernaut with sequel after sequel after remake after remake sequel after, I think, maybe even a TV show. Despite this ubiquity, I'd never crossed paths with any of the numerous follow-ups- no, not even at Ju-On-Con 2009! (which was awesome, by the way. I cosplayed as the little boy and it was so cool! I posted pics on my deviantArt page if you wanna see)- until I plopped myself down in front of Ju-On 2 the other night.

But oh, how I wish I'd stayed ignorant! Ju-On 2 is...I don't know what the hell Ju-On 2 is. The framework isn't bad- house haunted, blah blah blah- but they try to cram every scare from the original film into the sequel and the results quickly descend into...well, pretty much parody. It's a film that proves the rule "less is more" by completely dumping on the rule and opting for the "more is more" approach instead. The ghost kid and the ghost mom are fucking everywhere. Everywhere! It's like, "Hey, the audience loved 'em in the first film, let's have 'em in every damn scene in the second!" and you know what? That shit wears off but fast! Getting a glimpse of the ghost kid lurking in the dark corner of a closet = scary. The ghost kid, like, sitting in your bowl of morning oatmeal = "What the fuck is this, Quaker? The box said 'apples n cinnamon', not 'dead Japanese boy'. I want my money back!"

If- IF I SAY- you are as big an apologist as I am for this breed of film (and no, I'm not calling you fat), then it might- MIGHT I SAY- be worth watching solely for the "Is that...I think it's...yes, that's really happening!" ending, when the angry lady ghost crawls out of a most peculiar locale. And when I say "most peculiar", I mean "dannnnng, somebody watched some Cronenberg before they wrote this."

All that said, I saw Ju-On Black and Ju-On White pop up on Netflix and I was all "Yeaaaaaaah gimme gimme gimme!" I'm not sure what the point of mentioning that is, exactly. Is it that if I'm a sucker for these flicks and I say Ju-On 2 stinks, it's probably pretty damn stinky? Or is it that if I'm such a sucker for these flicks that my opinion should be completely disregarded? Or is it that if I'm such a sucker for these flicks, maybe I should just marry them? I don't know, I can't make all the decisions around here.

Ring 0 (2000)
Dudes, I had the weirdest dream! I know there's nothing more boring than listening to people talk about their dreams (I mean sleep dreams, not hopes-n-dreams...although honestly, those can be boring, too. "I just want to drive a nice sedan someday!" Oh really? GOOD FOR YOU), but hear me out.

I dreamt that someone made a prequel to Ringu that's supposed to explain everything but doesn't really explain anything! And Sadako grows up and becomes a shy theatre actress (oxymoron, I know, but it was a dream)! And the scariest part was...dun dun dunnn...the theatre people!

And then I woke up and I was, like, WHAT. I was in that weird state- not quite fully awake, not quite asleep- where I couldn't tell what was reality and what wasn't. For a moment, I thought someone actually had made a Ring 0, and it was as I described...but then I woke up a bit more and it became clear that it was all a bad dream- not a nightmare bad dream, but a bad bad dream. And not a good bad dream or a "'bad' means 'tough' like it did in the 80s" dream. Just...bad. I mean, who would make a movie like that? What a terrible idea!

Still, though- theatre people. Shudder!

Audition (2000)
YOU GUYS I finally saw Audition. After years and years of

"You haven't seen Audition? You have to see Audition!"
"I know."
"Why haven't you seen it yet?"
"I don't know, I just haven't."
"Well, you should."
"I know."
"No, really."
"I know."
"You should see Audition."
"I WILL."

I have seen it with my own four eyeballs!

Aside: Does the "four-eyes" taunt/slur/tease still apply if one wears contact lenses? Or does the "four-eyes" only refer to eyeglasses and not impaired vision? I think it's a combination- I mean, certainly, it's said to make fun of someone without perfect vision...otherwise, people just wearing sunglasses could also be called "four-eyes". What to do with the contacts wearer? They still bear an impairment, which is OBVIOUSLY worth making fun of, but- GASP- they don't bear the MARK of the impairment, and they blend seamlessly into NORMAL society. What to do? Calling them "two-eyes" doesn't quite carry the same sting, does it? And unless everyone present is even aware that the object of derision is even wearing contacts, then calling him or her "four-eyes" might actually make the accuser look crazy. What a conundrum!

Aside to the aside: I think for Halloween this year I will be One-Eye from They Call Her One-Eye. I don't know why I haven't done it yet, or why every girl doesn't do it. Or why every girl doesn't dress like One-Eye all the time! Or, as I've mentioned somewhere before, why every guy doesn't dress like Snake Plissken all the time. Hmm. I guess eyepatches are hot!

Aside to the aside to the aside: I have had way too much coffee today.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Audition. I've seen it! I loved it! Now we can all move on with our lives.

No, really. What more can I really say about it? It wasn't quite as much of a gross-out as I was expecting- it's got quite the reputation- but that's fine with me. It's still squirm-inducing, no doubt, but I wasn't losing my lunch or what have you. I thought the way Takashi Miike played with time- the way the story unfolded and crossed back through and over itself- was genius. It was terrific, which is why everyone was telling me to see it. I'm just glad I've joined those ranks, because now I can bug everyone who hasn't seen it into seeing it.

Battle Royale (2000)
Another one crossed off my long list of I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS YET films! I tell ya friends, I feel like such a brash young go-getter, it's ridiculous! I should be in that film about Wall Street called Wall Street.

Since I'm likely the last person reading this blog to have seen Battle Royale, you don't need me to tell you that it's about a class of high school students taken to a deserted island and forced to fight to the death with all manner of weapon and non-weapon, so I won't waste your time telling you all about the plot. I WILL waste your time, however, by telling you that man oh man I loved oh loved this movie. Loved. Lurved. Loaved. I don't think I've ever been quite so entertained by violence before, except maybe the first time I launched Lara Croft off a massive cliff in Tomb Raider and she hit the bottom with a sickening thud and ended up in a sickening, if pixelated, pile...mmm, nope. Battle Royale is way more entertaining. And violent! And violently entertaining!

I swear, I was twisting my handlebar moustache- my METAPHORICAL handlebar moustache, thank you very much- in glee the entire time, waiting anxiously to see what gory (and creative, it should be said) atrocities these kids would inflict on one another next. I became every non-horror fan's idea of a degenerate horror fan, always hungering for more violence, never satisfied! I didn't even recognize myself, but then I suppose Battle Royale brings that out in people. Or me, at least. It sees your true colors shining through, and they're beautiful...like a rainbow OF BLOOD.

That doesn't make any sense, but then, what does?

Okay, plenty of things make sense, whatever. The point is, I was not at all expecting to want to have Battle Royale's babies, but now I do, even despite the fact that the ending was a bit..."But how did they...? Eh, I guess a wizard did it.", meaning that either things aren't explained very well, or I'm completely daft. Since I watched the Special Edition, which includes an alternate ending meant to "shed fresh light on the events of the film", and I was still confused, then I'll cop to being completely daft. But no matter! I've still got babies to have.

I just realized that all of these movies are listed as having 2000 as the release year. Surely that means something.

Or not.

To the Mystery Machine!

2011-07-25T17:17:00.001-04:00

Okay, baby geniuses, I need your help. Or, to be more precise, a Final Girl cyberfriend needs your help because I am unable to provide said help.

Can you name the movie from whence this GIF cometh?

I'd post the GIF here, but it's big and I'm having problems. (that's what she said)

Let's solve this!

Film Club: Cold Prey

2011-07-20T17:00:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, Final Girl was all about slasher films. I'd review nothing but slashers, deconstruct slashers, write poems about slashers, write slash fiction about slashers...

Okay, I never wrote poems or slash fiction about slashers, although in hindsight, that seems a big shame. My point is that I was all about slashers because I love them. I don't care that even most horror fans think slasher flicks are on the bottom of the genre totem pole! I don't care that most of them are terrible films and most of my love stems from a childhood nestled in the warm bosom of the genre's heyday! Love is totally blind, except when it's not.

I can't help myself. Along comes a film like Cold Prey (aka Fritt Vilt, 2006), and my love blossoms anew...and I don't even feel like I need to hide my ardor because Cold Prey isn't on the bottom of the totem pole. It's a damn fine horror movie that just happens to be a slasher flick. So there.

The film is full of genre tropes, and seasoned horror fans will likely roll their eyes as they check items off the list of...you know, genre tropes:

a group of friends (two couples and the odd man out, natch) head off for a weekend of fun (in this case, snowboarding action)
their cell phones can't raise a signal
there's a sensible girl (the Final one, natch) and a not-so-sensible girl who makes out in the backseat with her man
there's leg trauma when snowboarding action leads to snowboarding accidents for the odd man out
the killer has a collection of mementos
so on and so on and so on

Cold Prey, however, is all "whatever" about these tropes and turns most of them on their heads, making everything feel as fresh as a snow fall on a Norwegian mountaintop. Most of this oh-so-fresh feeling comes from the characters themselves: though they're not fleshed out with life stories and awkward narrative conversations, they're...solid, if that makes sense. In a shocking twist of events, they're not annoying! They're friends! The not-so-sensible girl is actually totally sensible! The odd man out isn't an irritating prankster! Jannicke, the Final Girl, is one for the record books! For the most part, they act like people would likely act when they realize that the abandoned hotel they're using for shelter isn't completely abandoned...because there's a killer in there.

Even the killer in Cold Prey is a delightful change of pace from the slasher norm. Sure, he's got a backstory (albeit just a tantalizing piece of one), a mask of sorts, and a weapon of choice- the pick axe- but he's not some backwoods mountaintop cannibal. He doesn't torture anyone. He doesn't try to sex up the girls. He doesn't arrange the bodies in some bizarre mise-en-scene for the Final Girl to stumble across, he dumps the bodies elsewhere. He kills people who stumble into his lair the way people kill spiders lurking in corners. It's self-preservation! And craziness, of course, but I appreciate the simplicity of it.

All of this bucking of trends is wonderful, but I wouldn't care a fig- not a single fig!- if Cold Prey wasn't successful. As it is, I find myself caring about it several figs worth. It's a beautiful film to look at, both inside and outside the abandoned hotel (which features a sly nod to The Shining's Room 237). The location is truly isolated, and the whole thing is right scary. Just enough gore, just enough everything.

Who says slashers are dead? Not me! My love remains an eternal flame- not unlike the one The Bangles sang of in "Eternal Flame". Or maybe it's completely unlike the one they sang of- I don't know the words to that song.

A wee note on the sequel: much like Halloween II (1981), Cold Prey 2 picks up where the first film left off and promptly moves the action to a hospital. It is really, really good. Surprisingly good. As good as the first film. In some regards, better. It might even be better than Halloween II. That's right, I said it! I loved it. I don't think it's gotten a Region 1 release yet (region-free DVD players are the best thing ever!), but it's definitely worth tracking down.

Film Club Coolies, y'all! Show 'em love.
----------------------------------------------
Goretical Stimulation
KL5-FILM
All Day Permanent Red
Smogo's Movie Journal
The Horror Review Hole
No Room in Hell
Soresport Movies
Scare Tactic
Full Moon Reviews
I Will Devour Your Content
Vegan Voorhees
Life Between Frames (reviewing the whole Cold Prey trilogy!)
Scarina's Scary Vault of Scariness
Man vs the Inevitable
Horror, Gore, and More
Post-Mortem Depression
Kitsch or Kill
The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense
Bloody Mary's Horror-i-flick Movie Revue

Slasher Studios

Cinema Gonzo

Not This Time, Nayland Smith

Eclipse Babies are here!

2011-06-29T16:38:00.000-04:00

YOU GUYS. Do you know what came out on DVD this week? Umm, only one of the best ever movies about killer kids: Bloody Birthday, duh. I just thought you should know.

SO YOU CAN WATCH IT.

where the grass is green and the girls are grody

2011-06-27T16:05:00.000-04:00

You guys, I'm not really sure what to say about Nightmare City (1980). You know how it is with those movies that don't make you feel strongly in any particular way. It's over and you can take comfort in the fact that if someone asks, "Have you seen Nightmare City?", you can respond with a resounding "Yes!" It is the small things in life, I suppose, that ultimately provide one with pleasure.

The zombies of Nightmare City are zombies of the 28 Days Later ilk, meaning that everyone calls them zombies but they're not undead. Here they're not victims of some virus but of radioactive contamination. No one gets a Silkwood shower fast enough after the exposure and because of this, the victims turn into meatball-headed killers constantly in a search for fresh blood to keep them alive. Hmm. I guess the zombies of Nightmare City are actually zombies of the vampire ilk.

4 out of 5 meatball heads chew Dentyne sugarless gum

So, the meatball heads run around wreaking deadly havoc, turning the city into a total nightmare city (SEE WHAT I DID THERE). It's all quite fun for a time, certainly. Even if you consider this a straight up zombie flick, there's novelty to these villains as the actually wield all manner of weaponry- from guns to machetes- in their search for blood. Though there's ample gore (including some really gnarly breast and eye trauma), I guess it wasn't as extreme as I was expecting, especially considering that the film comes courtesy of director Umberto Lenzi, the man behind the notorious Cannibal Ferox. Overall, Nightmare City is not even Fulci-level grody.

that's alotta meatball heads

I'd call the lengthy aerobic dance scenes gratuitous, but then, can an aerobic dance scene ever truly be gratuitous? Really, every movie should feature one. I mean, think of how much better On Golden Pond would be if Jane Fonda randomly put her aerobics skills to use at some point. It's a foolproof notion!

this is never gratuitous

Nightmare City's first half hour or so is energetic, chaotic, and had me swooning. Things slow down, as I suppose they must, and the fact that Hugo Stiglitz is an incredibly dull leading man doesn't help matters at all. Just as it truly wears out its welcome, however, there's a terrific finale atop a rollercoaster that includes a sequence I had to watch three times in a row. Then it's all over, and here we are.

Nightmare City? Why yes, I've seen that!

the gun is way more exciting than he is, trust me

hammer time

2011-06-24T15:31:00.001-04:00

Holding true to the instrument of destruction for which it is named, the 1983 film Sledgehammer will bludgeon your psyche until all that remains is an unrecognizable pulpy mass. I'm not sure what I was expecting from this movie, purportedly the first shot-on-tape slasher flick made for the home video market...okay, maybe I expected a few things, considering it hails from David A. Prior, the writer/director of a little something called Killer Workout. I expected some laughs. I expected lots of, you know, 80s-ness. That "shot-on-tape" angle had me expecting crappy quality and the onset of a large bout of warm fuzzies (you know I loves my VHS). I got all of that, certainly, but then I got so much more, so much I had no way of anticipating. You see, you don't watch Sledgehammer, oh no. Sledgehammer HAPPENS TO YOU.

The film opens with a shot of a nice farmhouse nestled in a lush valley. After lingering on this farmhouse for 20 seconds or so, we become privy to the horrors that wait within: mom's a big ol' slut who's here with her lover, but also with her son. She finds a quick resolution to this problem by locking her son in a closet. At this point, we witness the Sledgehammer's first egregious use of slo-mo. The time it takes to zoom from here:

to here:

is 30 seconds. 30 seconds! It's obvious that the slo-mo represents the idea that being locked in a closet totally messes with the boy's mind; it takes longer for the viewer to realize, however, that it also means that Sledgehammer is messing with your mind. Sledgehammer plays by its own temporal and spatial rules, but the thing is, it actually HAS no rules. Sledgehammer does what it wants! Sledgehammer says FUCK YOU.

As mom and lover are about to get down, someone wielding a sledgehammer- go figure, right?- also gets down, but, like, in a death-making way, not a love-making way. That would just be sick!

Ten years later, a group of...of...people, I guess...okay. I know they're people, yeah, but that's the best I can figure out as to who these people are. In my notes, I wrote "Van full of___________?" They're a group of people. They're driven to the house in a van, then dropped off. I guess they're friends...? There are some couples. They're all too old for college. They unpack their bags from the van in slo-mo. They really enjoy going "Woo! Wooooooooo!" a lot. I guess it doesn't really matter who they are or why they're at this house, beyond that most horror movie of reasons: a weekend of partying. Woo! Wooooooooo! Sledgehammer plays by its own rules, period.

One of the couples, Chuck and...girl, are apparently having problems. Chuck insists that for this weekend, at least, they should forget their troubles and have a good time (Wooooooooo!). It's a good attitude to have, for it saves the writer of Sledgehammer the bother of things like "explanations" and "character development". All we need to know about Chuck is this: he is played by Ted Prior, star of Killer Workout and brother of director David. He walks around barechested most of the time. He plays the acoustic guitar whilst barechested. He looks like a walking, talking page from the International Male catalogue. I love Chuck! All we need to know about his girlfriend "girl" is this: she puts up with Chuck.

In a sequence meant to show that Chuck and girl are, I guess, forgetting their troubles, tender flute and guitar music plays as the couple walks...and walks. Then Chuck grabs a handful of girl's hair and yanks her backwards.

Then they walk some more, pointing to something offscreen. Then they walk. Then Chuck puts his beer can on girl's head, then their romantic walk is over. Oh, by the way- this all happens in slo-mo, and the scene takes TWO MINUTES.

Hold on, I just got a telegram from Sledgehammer!

After a party scene where the guys go "Woo! Wooooooooo!" and crush beer cans, there's a dinner scene. Chuck dumps mustard on girl's head, and this leads to a food fight and more "Woo! Wooooooooo!"-ing. This group continues to baffle me, particularly girl. Chuck, our hero, is an a-hole!

That night, Chuck decides they should hold a seance. He tells the story of Easy Mom, the Lover, and the Boy in the Closet, and we see...everything we saw at the beginning of the film. Again. Slo-mo included. Chuck and one of the other guys have set up some practical jokes to go along with the spirit summoning, but as you might expect, the real spirit of the boy in the closet is resurrected. I think? I don't know.

As you know by now, Sledgehammer does as Sledgehammer wants, and what Sledgehammer wants is not to explain squat. All I know for sure is that years living in a closet didn't stunt the sledgehammer wielding dude's growth at all, because he's 10 feet tall. No really...he barely fits in the hallway!

Is it the boy? Did he survive and grow up, like, in the closet? Where did the (admittedly creepy) mask come from? You'll never know what's going on not ONLY because nothing is explained, but because like I said: Sledgehammer follows its own rules of time and space. The man is there, then he's gone, then he's the boy, then he's the man, then he's in two places at once. It's even suggested that the hammer itself is a ghost- a ghost sledgehammer!- I guess. At least, that's what I understood when it faded from view. There's no logic to ANY of it. Oh Sledgehammer, you so crazy!

All of this mindfuck is wrapped up in a fuckier mindfuck: the INSANE amounts of slo-mo and freeze frames used throughout, and oh honey, the score. The synth track drones and drones and drones and insinuates itself until it becomes something akin to tinnitus. It's possible that you're not even really HEARING it anymore, but it's there, always there, knocking at the back door of your brain. There's a lethargy to the entire affair that you cannot escape. Eventually it's over, but then it's never really over. Again, this is a movie that happens to you and once Sledgehammer is in your head, my friends, I fear it will never leave.

What's going on here? Your guess is as good as mine.

And that is nothing short of awesome! It's rare that you meet a movie that doesn't give a flying fuck about things like rules and logic and reality and what YOU think- and I mean all that not strictly in regards to filmmaking acumen, but more in regards to...I don't know, the accepted laws of SCIENCE. Sledgehammer just IS, and you can either get with that program or not. It's SO goddamn VHS, from the "Director of Videography" credit to the fonts used in the credits to the impression you get that it was largely edited in-camera to the feel...the feel of it! The sound of it! The slight blur, the white hallways, the washed-out colors, the tin can audio...Sledgehammer feels less like a horror movie and more like an ambitious home-made commercial you'd see on public access.

Chuck has had ENOUGH

If this has you on your knees crying "I need to see Sledgehammer!", then my work here is done, because you DO need to see Sledgehammer. Gather your friends, lock the doors, sit back, and let Sledgehammer pummel you into submission.

Kids, looking for a fun drinking game? Read this review aloud and drink everytime you say "sledgehammer"!

Review-O!

2011-06-23T12:56:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, I mentioned that after watching Paura, I really didn't feel that I knew the director any more than I did before I watched the documentary about him. After watching Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story, I'd have to say the exact opposite holds true for me with regards to director/producer William Castle. Man, I feel like I know him so well now that I may actually BE William Castle!

If you're a horror fan, you know Castle's work. Even if his name doesn't immediately ring a bell, surely you've heard of more than a few films in his pantheon- movies like House on Haunted Hill, 13 Ghosts, The Tingler, Homicidal, and so on. While his movies seldom rose above the typical schlocky B-movie genre fare of the late 50s-early 60s, it was his ingenious marketing schemes that earned Castle's work a spot in the history books. Each film received a bit of a road show as Castle traveled with them, hanging out at theatres during shows to meet and greet fans. He'd hand out insurance policies as nurses stood by vigilantly lest anyone die of fright; he brought to life several gimmicks with names like "Percept-O" and "Emerg-O", the latter of which included a skeleton "emerging" from the screen and flying over the audience during House on Haunted Hill. A carnival-like atmosphere surrounded the theatre when a Castle flick came to town, and the dollars piled up.

During Spine Tingler, we learn about how Castle got started in the business and we follow his career through his A-list triumph as producer of Rosemary's Baby. Through interviews with friends, family, co-workers, fans, and admirers such as Stuart Gordon, John Landis, and John Waters (who, as my friend aptly put it, is always the most interesting person in the room), viewers get incredible insight into Castle's motivations, foibles, and personality. Film buffs, horror buffs, anyone who likes a good documentary...I can't recommend Spine Tingler highly enough. Of particular interest to Final Girl folk is the lengthy segment given to Strait-Jacket, a former (awesome) Film Club choice, and its star Joan Crawford. It's a delight, I tells ya. A delight.

Perhaps I should come up with a gimmick to really drive the point home? Maybe "Recommend-O", wherein my thumbs-up-givin' hand flies out of your computer screen into your face. Hey, whatever it takes!

exhibit A

2011-06-22T14:43:00.000-04:00

It's a tough world out there for the indie horror filmmaker- even more so if you're giving a go at a subgenre that most fans are so sick of, they could puke their pants. How do you get noticed? How do you say "Hey, horror fans, don't puke your pants quite yet! At least wait until you see what I have to offer."? If you're director Dominic Perez, you send your P.O.V. horror flick Evil Things in some very clever packaging that includes a confidential letter purportedly from the FBI, asking for assistance in a missing persons case. The DVD, you see, is evidence and I, your humble horror blogger, will finally get a chance to get all Columbo up in the joint. Well, I get my Columbo on insofar as I get to watch the DVD. That's for the best, really, as I've recently spent some time playing L.A. Noire and if there's one thing the experience has taught me, it's that I'd make a pretty lousy detective. I'm pretty good at watching things, though, if I do say so myself...although since that sentiment goes for pretty much anyone with workable vision, I shouldn't brag.

While I was relieved that the "official" envelope from the government didn't contain a letter censuring me (for once), I can't say I was too gung ho about another new indie P.O.V. flick. Honestly, I should censure myself for that because dammit, P.O.V. is one of my favorite subgenres (there, I said it) and the best of the best tend to come from IndieLand. What can I say? My world-weariness (yes, I have that now) had me putting off and putting off Evil Things, but dudes and y'alls, the time has come for me to clean house! I'm watching all these movies I've been avoiding and/or ignoring, and so I hunkered down, quite eager to see if the witty packaging of Evil Things would distract from a craptacular movie or enhance a good one.

The setup won't surprise anyone who's seen...well, just about any horror movie (and certainly any P.O.V. horror movie): five college-age friends go away for a weekend birthday celebration, five college-age friends are now missing. One of the five, Leo, is an aspiring filmmaker and as such, totes his videocamera along, pointing it at his buddies at every opportunity whether they want him to or not. Evil Things follows the kids as they head out of Manhattan and journey upstate through a snowstorm, finally reaching their destination: a sprawling and isolated house owned by the birthday girl's aunt.

Their simple weekend of drinking and lite debauchery is thrown out of whack almost immediately upon leaving the confines of the city as some douchebag in a black van starts harassing them. Tailgating and honking lead to outright stalking: the van appears when the kids stop at a convenience store and again as they're eating at a diner along the way. The driver, however, is never caught on Leo's camera and his motives are never clear.

Once they arrive safely at the house, the kids convince themselves that the jerk in the van is long gone. But is he? Dun dun dunnnnnn! Hint: if the jerk in the van was long gone, then the FBI probably wouldn't need my help, now would they? WOULD THEY?

Again, this does all sound very familiar, doesn't it? Also again, though, don't puke your pants quite yet! Evil Things may be of a tried-and-true formula, but that certainly doesn't mean it can't be a good movie, and it boasts several strengths that many indie films can't, be they P.O.V. flicks or not. More often than not in this type of movie, the "aspiring filmmaker" character barely knows which end of the camera houses the lens. Here, however, the camera work and video quality are terrific, a particularly startling notion given the 1st-person conceit. Chances are that it won't immediately induce motion sickness- always a plus!

The acting was also a pleasant surprise, meaning that it actually leaned toward the good or, at least, the believable end of the spectrum. The dialogue likely comprises a good deal of improv and none of it was painful. Also a highlight is the fact that these actors look and act like real college kids, not Hollywood college kids. They've got spots and braces and little purple backpacks and they're going away for the weekend because-heaven forfend in a horror movie- they're friends who want to spend time together. This is a...you know..."missing persons" case so I figured that the five kids would meet bad ends, but they were likable enough that I didn't want them to.

But maybe they didn't! You'll have to check out Evil Things to see for yourself...and see it you should, when it gets its long-awaited release this summer. It's not without flaws, mind you; the sudden onset of ambient music takes some getting used to, although both the music and the ending suggest that Evil Things is more about the man in the van than it is about the missing college kids. I haven't yet decided if that's a mistake or not. More than a little time is spent on the setup- it's 40+ minutes before anything "happens". This may try your patience, but I found that instead, my curiosity as to what fate awaited the birthday girl and her friends kept climbing. The house feels truly isolated in its snowy environs, surrounded by (not always) quiet woods, and because of this Evil Things becomes quite an unsettling, creepy movie. I really enjoyed it, and I've kicked myself three times for waiting so long after its arrival in my mailbox to check it out.

Okay, I've only metaphorically kicked myself three times. Still though, I'm going to hop over to the FBI's official site and see if there have been any new developments. I'd really kick myself three times...no, four times!...if I could crack this case and I was busy watching, you know, fucking DeathBed or something instead.

Watching this DVD Remembered: Volume One

2011-06-17T15:03:00.000-04:00

Love him or hate him, there's no denying that even after his death, Lucio Fulci remains one of the most interesting filmmakers in the horror genre. That, of course, is putting it rather mildly. His films tend to be short on plot and long on total gross-outs and shocks. Ask anyone about, say, Zombie (aka Zombi 2) and there's a good chance you won't start talking about the story- you'll start talking about the underwater zombie vs shark fight, or the scene where a piece of wood goes through a woman's eye. You may not remember the character's name, but you'll remember the scene in City of the Living Dead where that character pukes up her own guts.

When horror fans are subjected to scrutiny for non-fans, the question that begins the barrage is often "How can you watch that stuff?" I consider myself to be a lite Fulci fan- that is, I really like some of his films, don't like others, and in the end, probably haven't seen all that much. Still, when I think about Fulci, I find myself asking "How can he make that stuff?"- not in a judgmental way, or a way meant to imply that he shouldn't be making these films, but rather that I'm fascinated by someone who would. Fulci's extreme approach to horror is doubly fascinating considering all of the work outside the genre, from westerns to comedies and everything in between. You'd think someone whose horror work is so hardcore would focus exclusively on that genre.

I don't know anything about Fulci, really, beyond his reputation as a hardass director and a misogynist. Does the latter stem from his actual beliefs and behavior offset, or is it simply fallout from the violence against women in his films? I figured that the documentary Paura: Lucio Fulci Remembered, Volume One (2009) should give me some insight and answer more than a few questions I have about this complex, enigmatic filmmaker.

Paura sets out to provide answers to only one question: What is your fondest memory of Lucio Fulci? Answers are given by men and women who fall into one of three categories: accomplices, peers, and victims. The interview clips aren't assembled into a cohesive whole as much as they're plopped onto DVD. You can choose to "play all", or simply jump to the response by a particular person. Each is introduced by a written mini-bio that lists his or her relationship to Fulci (ie, which films they collaborated on) over the same ten-second loop of Fulci-inspired (or, more to the point, Fabio Frizzi-inspired) music. I was glad I opted for the "jump around" approach, as listening to that loop for each of the near-90 interviews on the disc would have driven me mad.

I introduced some friends to City of the Living Dead the other night, and their response to scenes like the maggot storm and the aforementioned guts-puking-uppening was "Oh, those poor actors". By all accounts, Fulci's actors endured more than a few hardships during the making of his films- not just having, say, maggots whipped at their faces, but also the unpredictable temperament of the director himself. Given all this, I decided to jump in by checking out the "victims" section. I began with Catriona MacColl, who'd worked with Fulci on more than one occasion, and who I'd just seen in City of the Living Dead. Surely she'd have some insights.

And she did, as she talked about a photograph of Fulci that she feels is symbolic of the director: he sits on the memorable bridge used in The Beyond, sitting in his chair with his arms folded. According to MacColl, it's very representative of his isolation and his defiance. She hinted that she had much more to say about the man, but "you wanted my fondest memory". How frustrating!

As the subjects are answering the one question, the clips tend to be brief. The level of revelation about Fulci is quite varied: Cinzia Monreale of The Beyond gave a terrific, lengthy answer discussing the man's roughness, rudeness, and humor. They got along well and she found him amusing. On the other hand, Adrienne La Russa, titular star of Beatrice Cenci, shared a mutual enmity with the director. She told an amusing story about how she wouldn't do nudity in the film, so Fulci hired a less-than-flattering body double for her as payback. If that's her fondest memory of him...but alas, curiosity about the rest of the relationship is not to be satisfied on Paura: Volume One. Then there are responses that perhaps should have warranted the addition of a "deleted scenes" section. Barbara Bouchet's fondest memory of Don't Torture a Duckling is simply the fact that Fulci hired her, while director Bruno Mattei doesn't say much more than "I liked him".

Paura is indeed a noble undertaking, and Fulci fans will find much to love. With seven years of filming and more than 100 of the director's colleagues interviewed, the mountains of footage surely comprise an unwieldy, intimidating beast for Paura director Mike Baronas. Unfortunately, I don't that this beast was wrangled in the most effective manner. I don't feel I know Lucio Fulci much better than I did before I gave the DVD a whirl. Sure, some of the anecdotes are interesting and on more than one occasion it's said that Fulci should have been more recognized as a filmmaker, but his lack of diplomacy stifled his career. I wanted to dive into that idea. I wanted to get a real idea of this curious man. The limitations presented by the format simply don't allow for this. I imagine that Volume Two may feature everyone's "least favorite" memory of Fulci, and that will probably provide more insight into his nature. Still, the material would have been best served as a straight-up biography of the man, or perhaps a walk through his work in horror where more questions are asked and answered at once. As a companion to other, more in-depth works about Fulci, Paura is undoubtedly invaluable; as an ignoramus taking in the film on its own, however, I feel like I'm standing at a party where I don't know anyone. Like maybe they're all speaking Italian and laughing at inside jokes while I nervously sip my Riunite on ice and blankly smile. When oh when will I belong?

let's do this

2011-06-13T22:17:00.001-04:00

By "this", I mean BRING BACK THE FILM CLUB! Yes, it's time. Because I have time! So let's take the time to watch...

Cold Prey (2006)

Can't lie, dudes and dudettes- I've seen this Norwegian slasher before. I've yet to see the sequel, though, so I'm using this as an excuse to have a "double" "feature". Cold Prey is quite good! At least I think so. It's widely available on DVD and it's on Netflix instant watch, so you can judge for yourself.

The movie: Cold Prey (aka Fritt Vilt) (2006)

The due date: Tuesday, July 19

What you do:

Review the movie on your site. Add a link to Final Girl in there somewhere. If you've reviewed the film before, that's fine- but you must retrofit your review with a link to FG in order to be included in my round-up.
Email your link to me at stacieponder at gmail dot com. Put 'film club' or some such in the subject line.
Bask in the warm, glowing, warming glow of Film Club Day. Easy, breezy, et cetera et cetera.

The Something That Somethings

2011-06-07T18:17:00.000-04:00

If I had a nickel for every time I've been asked whether or not I've seen DeathBed (you know, the bed that eats), then I would have no fewer than two nickels. I mean, that title! People of a certain persuasion cannot resist a movie with such a title. Of course, by "people of a certain persuasion", I obviously mean "people with exquisite taste".

The thing is, though, in this case the title and tagline for the movie are almost enough...at least for me. Whenever I'm asked if I'm in The DeathBed Club, I have to respond with "No, I'm not...but do club members get jackets? Perhaps jackets meant for DeathBed Club members only?" In order to ensure that I'm perceived as a person with exquisite taste despite the fact that I've not yet seen DeathBed, I have to follow up my initial response with "B-but I have DeathBed! On my shelf! On a DVD with Castle Freak, which I love because, you know...who doesn't? I keep meaning to watch DeathBed, but there always seems to be something else to watch first."- and none of that is even a lie. Again, the title and tagline have always satisfied me. The film doesn't even have to exist, really, and there's always something I'd rather watch.

But I oh so desperately want to be "cool" and "with" "it"- not to mention I want to get my mitts on one of those jackets- so I finally decided to make my DeathBed and lie in it.

DeathBed opens with black and white footage of a couple getting up to some lite S&M shenanigans as Charleston-esque music plays. There's a shot of a Victrola so we know that director Danny Draven isn't simply attempting some artistic conceits- this S&M is happening in yon 1920s or 30s. The shenanigans quickly escalate to murdernanigans as the girl is strangled to death with a necktie.

black and white Victrola: not just art

In yon modern times, a young couple moves into a loft apartment and all seems well enough. However, anyone who's seen a horror movie knows that when characters move into a new house or apartment, bad things will happen. I mean, every time, right? Has anyone ever moved into a new place in a horror film and not had, you know, corpses pop up in the pool (because only the headstones were moved) or the house telling the new tenants to GET OUT or their child taken to some weird netherworld or they discover that a man's heart is stonier or whatever? NO. Something always happens, and it's always negative! So, as soon as landlord Joe Estevez (I love you Joe Estevez, you Kmart Martin Sheen, you) was all "Garsh, I don't know what's behind that locked door!", I knew what was behind it. It was the DeathBed, waiting. Patiently. Biding its time, as all evil beds do.

So our young couple- let's call them "the guy" and "the girl"- are enjoying a bit of fornication in their new apartment...or, should I say, the guy is enjoying it. The girl seems decidedly uncomfortable, complaining that it hurts. The guy is sympathetic and thinks she might enjoy it more if she would just get on top for once, as he's asked so many times. At this point, I feel that I know an awful lot about their sex lives.

When she hears squeaking bedsprings from beyond The Locked Door, the girl decides to find out what's what. Et cetera et cetera, it's the DeathBed.

it waits

She hauls it out, cleans it up, and promptly becomes the sort of girl who gets on top- if you know what I mean- much to the delight of her fella.

now she's one of THOSE girls

Blah blah blah, why hasn't the bed done any eating in this movie? This bed does not eat! "Man, they should have called this movie SexBed," I said to no one in particular. Then the light hit me: is this the wrong DeathBed? Can there actually be more than one? Have I had on my shelf all this time not DeathBed: The Bed That Eats, but instead DeathBed: The Bed That Bores? When it was all over and, you know, the girl learns all about the murderous history of the bed and goes crazy, it was apparently so. This bed is not a murderer. It's simply a soft, cushy place where murder happens! In the end, the only thing this bed ate was 80 minutes of my time.

My friends, disappointment does not even begin to describe what I was feeling. This was not the eating DeathBed of '77, no! This is The Bed That Lames (that doesn't make sense, but go with it) from 2002. This means I still haven't seen The Bed That Eats! STILL! And now when someone asks, I can't even claim to have a copy on my shelf waiting for me! At this rate, I'm never going to get one of those jackets.

don't ask

Castle Freak (1995) doesn't disappoint, though...but then, how could it? It's pure Stuart Gordon perverto magic, chock full of gore and sex (often combined) and Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton. A troubled American family inherits a castle in the Italian countryside...but little do they know that the castle comes complete with Giorgio, its very own freak chained up in the cellar. Like all good gorked out, chained up, and abused cellar dwellars, Giorgio goes completely nutso once he breaks free, chewing and screwing- or at least attempting to- his way through anyone around.

Giorgio: total yuck mouth

If it sounds like Hell Night, that's because...umm...it's reminiscent of Hell Night. Instead of Hell Night's horny teens, though, Castle Freak features a married couple dealing with guilt and alcoholism; instead of Linda Blair in a flouncy top, we get an Italian prostitute in a bikini top. Either way works for me, as I'm a sucker for weirdo locked away in the attic or cellar flicks. Maybe if DeathBed had featured such a weirdo relaxing on the DeathBed I would have enjoyed it more. Alas, it wasn't so.

"Castle Freak, please put on some clothes."

Say, does one get some sort of jacket or commemorative plate if one is a member of The Castle Freak Club? Because my dues for that shit are all paid up.

dewds

2011-05-25T23:32:00.001-04:00

For reals! I'm imminently changing the location of Stately Final Girl Manor, and right now I'm simply trying to prevent this from happening to me:

And I don't mean that I'm trying to prevent turning into Michael Ironside, the Concentrating Very Hard Edition.

When I come out the other side of this chaos- that is, should I come out the other side of this chaos, cabeza intact- you will be the first ones I tell! The Film Club will begin again, and we'll be back to the way we used to be, only even better. Probably.

Semper fi(nal girl)!

awesome movie poster friday - the TRIBUTE edition!

2011-05-20T14:14:00.001-04:00

Horror fans with eyeballs know that the movie poster business has been in the toilet for quite some time. Floating heads and overwrought Photoshop atrocities and blandness have become the norm because let's face it: posters simply don't play as large a role in getting butts in theaters as they used to. Mind you, I don't necessarily think that folks are sitting around spending time and money while saying "Bah! We need not make this poster enticing. Crap something out!"...although sometimes the finished product indicates just that. However, everything is fleeting now, and posters are here today, forgotten later today.

Or maybe I'm just old and I think that everything used to be better Way Back When. Regardless, citizens both pro and amateur with a keen eye for design and the ability to wield computers like...magic computers have taken matters into their own hands and designed horror movie tribute posters with a more artistic bent than the current crop at the AMC 842569. Simplicity...she is powerful, yes? Visit their websites for more awesomeness.

I forgot to add Ben Tramer.

2011-05-14T13:55:00.000-04:00

I did this Halloween piece a zillion years ago for a friend's birthday...a friend who, you know. Is into Halloween. I just found it on mah hard drive so I thought I'd share. Sharing is so cool! Click it if you want.

Friday the Tatteenth

2011-05-13T19:19:00.001-04:00

I don't know about you, but I can't think of a single better way to celebrate Friday the 13th than by posting 15 pictures of Friday the 13th tattoos.

"But Stacie," you say, "Don't you think a better way might be to post 13 pictures of Friday the 13th tattoos? You know, to have the list be more thematically sound?"

"Hmm, you're right," I reply. "I wish I'd thought of that, but it's far too late now!"

Behold...15 Friday the 13th tattoos!

What the spambots are saying about...

2011-05-13T12:50:00.001-04:00

(click it and it will grow!)

bonding over furniture

2011-05-10T12:41:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you watch a movie and it's such a transcendent thing, it makes you feel so damn happy just to be alive. I AM SO HAPPY I EXIST, you might say, IF ONLY SO I CAN PARTAKE IN THIS FILM. You feel connected to humanity; you remember that we're all together in some way, struggling and thriving during our all-too-brief time on this planet. It's like the feeling embodied by that old Coke commercial; you know, the one about being a hippie and having communal carbonated beverage experiences.

This is how I suddenly find myself feeling about Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes. You know, the one about the evil, possessed floor lamp. I just love that someone came up with that ridiculous idea and wrote it down and passed it on. All the way down the line, people said AN EVIL, POSSESSED FLOOR LAMP? OKAY! to this idea, from the money men to Patty Duke to the TV stations that bought the rights to me and everyone else who bought the DVD or video or watched it on television. We all said YES to the evil floor lamp and cheered loudly when the evil floor lamp went over a cliff and exploded at the bottom.

An evil, possessed floor lamp! This, my friends, is life.

You know...

2011-05-03T13:42:00.001-04:00

I didn't mention it yesterday, but a good place to keep up with me while I'm dealing with deadlines is over at my new Tumblr page. There's something about Tumblr that's...I don't know, immediate and fleeting, maybe. Insubstantial? It's like people post whatever's running through their mind at that very moment. For me it might be a film still or a person or a song or a comic book character, so that 's the kind of stuff I post, and there's no pressure to make it feel like something worth posting. I don't know. Should I do that here, too? But, you know. The horror stuff. Wouldn't that be lame? Final Girl feels more...mmm, weighty than that. Not that I'm calling her fat, mind you, but...argh. I haven't had enough coffee yet. Tell me what to think!

One thing I have been thinking about is that when I've got some movie time, I'm going to indulge in a bit of Second Chance Theater. You know, giving movies that I didn't much like the first time 'round another go- especially stuff that other people seem to like. Such as The Outing, which my friend Amanda really likes but I was all "Ehhhh..." when I saw it.

Sometimes movies just stink, but sometimes you're just not in the right mood and your movie experience is tainted. Tainted I say! That's right- I'm willing to admit that yes, sometimes the problem is me.

i live

2011-05-02T18:15:00.000-04:00

Before I get too many ARE YOU ALIVE? comments and emails, I figured I'd stop by and say YES I AM ALIVE. I am still under a big fat deadline for the book I'm inking, but it'll be over in a couple of weeks. I'm afraid that my brain is in art mode right now and not write about horror movies mode, so any spare brain time I have goes to...err, art of some variety. When I'm not inking Mr. Murder is Dead, I'm probably drawing sketch cards or my webcomic RPG. Here are a couple of pages from Mr. Murder to give you an idea what's what. This isn't the finished art, but it's pretty sweet, eh? I inked the top page. Clicken to embiggen.

It's going to be a really handsome hardcover when all is said and done, and I'm really having fun; it's just a lot of work. I've been listening the crap out of old timey radio as I go though- Suspense is the shit!

When I have time to really write some stuff, I'll come back with...oh, I don't know. I don't want to say what because I haven't thought of anything yet, but I'm sure it'll be...you know. Something.

I am just saying...

2011-04-16T15:57:00.001-04:00

...I can't be the only horror fan who saw the (ugh dreadful) cover for the new Lady Gaga album:

...and immediately thought of this:

youfeelme?

awesome movie poster friday - the SCREAM edition!

2011-04-15T13:45:00.001-04:00

Now, before you go getting all "Oooh, an Awesome Movie Poster Friday celebrating the beloved Scream series, coinciding with the release of Scream 4! How...4tuitous!", let me just say: that is not really what this AMPF is. I wanted to do a Scream series tribute but let's face it: the posters for the Scream films largely suck. In fact, if you'll remember (or click this link to learn), my scientific research has shown that Scream 2 is directly responsible for the sorry sorry state of the modern horror movie poster- a pit of Photoshopped, fresh-faced blandness that we're only just beginning to crawl out of several years later. At least there's a tiny effort being made with the posters for Scream 4, but I still hear the sad echoes of "wasted opportunity" when I close my eyes.

Ah...just imagine what the art could have been if Scream had been made in 1981. *tear*

The worst offender, I think, is this one sheet of fuckery for Scream 2. Come on, Germany, what is this? Who is this? It's like Neve Campbell and Amanda Seyfried had a baby and then they made a Bratz doll out of the baby and then they dipped the Bratz doll baby in bronzer.

So, no. This AMPF is not dedicated solely to the Scream films...but it is dedicated to films that scream. Hooray!

Do you like scary movies?

2011-04-13T20:02:00.000-04:00

I am curious to see what kind of reception Scream 4 will get. It's been ten years since the last film in the series; are people so clamoring for more of Ghostface's killnanigans and thus will jump into his knife-wielding arms readily? Is seeing the old Scream gang up on the screen enough to block out that whiff of cash-grab, or will everyone be all "Dayum, that shit smells like cash-grab!"? Yes...curious am I.

Cash-grab, by the way, smells a bit like Aviance Night Musk by Prince Matchabelli for Women.

Yes yes, the ol' Scream gang is back- or, at least, OG survivors Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell), Gale Weathers (Courteney Cox) and Dewey Riley (David Arquette) have returned. It's ten years since the last spate of murders. Let's catch up! Gale and Dewey are married. Dewey is the sheriff, and Gale is bored playing the sheriff's wife. Sidney has written a self-help book, and her book tour brings her home to Woodsboro. Once she arrives in town, Ghostface gets busy.

Err, he gets busy killing, that is...killing and making phone calls.

If I had to sum up Scream 4 in three words, I'd use these three: "enjoyable, if rote."

Scream revitalized the horror genre and ushered in a new age of slasher flicks; it was successful because it was a damn good slasher flick, but more so, it made a point of telling the audience which genre conventions it was adhering to...you know, those famous "rules" spouted off by film geek characters. Kevin Williamson's Scream 4 makes it a point to establish new rules for this age of incessant horror remakes and reboots, and the film straddles those two categories. Scream 4 is so self-referential and meta (even dropping hints about, say, the real-life marital discord between Cox and Arquette) that it's become a mobius strip, and ouroboros feeding off of its own history and cleverness. At times, it almost sinks into the realm of complete parody. There is some seriously broad overacting going throughout, the type better suited to Scary Movie than a scary movie. Mind you, with the exception of Sidney (who, dammit, is a real Final Girl, ain't she?), the characters are little more than cardboard place holders- but that's no cause for mugging, Marley Shelton, Courteney Cox, and woman who played Sidney's publicist. As someone who knows that Battlestar Galactica is the best show ever, I found Mary McDonnell to be completely squandered in a tiny, thankless role.

Though the cast is full of red herrings and the violence is vicious and brutal, the film quickly falls into a pattern: phone call, oh no!, die. I suppose, perhaps, that was always the Scream formula, but here it just seems like a journey from beat to beat. There may be jump scares, but there's not much tension. It's capable, like all Wes Craven movies are. After it was over, I began thinking about that- what makes a Wes Craven movie a Wes Craven movie? Does anything? Scream 4 could have been directed by anyone who knows what they're doing behind the camera and the results wouldn't be much different. It's just sort of there and you like it well enough even though things slide into JUST END ALREADY-land once the killer is revealed, but...you know. It's enjoyable, if rote. Much of that enjoyment stems from an affection for earlier entries in the series (except Scream 3, because fuck you Scream 3), which is what's going to get fans in the seats.

Hey, does it smell like Aviance Night Musk by Prince Matchabelli for Women in here to you?

awesome movie poster friday - the NOUVEAU CINEMA FRANCAIS EDITION, part deux!

2011-04-08T14:08:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about In My Skin. Actually, I find myself thinking about modern French horror quite a bit. Whether you end up loving or hating a film like High Tension, that shit stays with you, you know? They're anything but bland- in fact, these films stick a butcher knife in bland's guts and dig around to see what's inside.

It's the French and the Spanish that are getting me jazzed as a horror fan these days, though their approaches to meditations on the human condition couldn't be more different. Taking two films about motherhood as examples, compare The Orphanage's dreamy and dread-filled atmosphere to Inside's brutality and you'll see what I mean.

I've got Calvaire and La Horde sitting on my shelves, staring at me with accusing...err, words on their spines, but if my history with modern French horror is any indication, I need to, like, clear my schedule to watch them- meaning, they're not to be approached lightly. I wish I could say that about every horror movie I've got sitting around waiting to be seen, but unfortunately much of it feels just...there.

And one of these days, I swear I'm going to write about Martyrs. I knoooowwwww I keep saying that, but it's daunting. For now, in case you don't know my feelings on it:

The short answer: I love it
The long answer: IIIIIIII loooooooooooove iiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

For more modern French horror posters, click here for part one. For more Martyrs posters, click here. To watch the intro for the show Small Wonder, click here.

Two sentences and a verdict, redux

2011-04-07T22:23:00.000-04:00

The Resident: Recently single Juliet Devereau (Hilary Swank) finds a New York apartment that's so (err...relatively) cheap she can barely believe her eyeholes. Before you can say "I bet that deal will turn out to be to good to be true", the deal turns out to be too good to be true: Juliet's landlord Max (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is a major creeper who doesn't take rejection well. Stalk stalk creep creep, the end.

Two sentences: The DVD box boasts "from Hammer Studios" and "featuring Christopher Lee", which will get some horror fans' tongues wagging, but The Resident is little more than a tepid (though watchable) pastiche of thrillers those same fans have undoubtedly seen before. While it looks nice enough and there are a couple of chilling sequences, the talented cast is squandered on underdeveloped characters and a limp plot that hints at what could have been.

"Gurl, please."

The verdict: I am a sucka for this kind of big new apartment thriller- it's the Lifetime Movie/The Sentinel fan in me, I think- and I will watch anything featuring Christopher Lee; this does not, however, denote quality when in comes to the film in question.

The New Daughter: After his wife up and leaves him, author John James (Kevin Costner) packs up his two kids and heads to a new house out in the woods of South Carolina. After discovering an Indian burial ground on the property, surly daughter Luisa (Ivana Baquero of Pan's Labyrinth) begins acting...well, surlier. And very strangely. John tries to find out what's what and discovers there's a rather sordid history tied in with the new homestead.

Two sentences: The New Daughter is the English-language directorial debut of Luis Berdejo (co-writer of [REC]), and maybe that's why it feels so goldurned Spanish. Equal parts family drama and monster movie, this is a slow-burn flick (read: some people might find it dull) that's big on atmosphere, chills, and great visuals.

The verdict: I kind of loved it, even though the DVD box tried to convince me I wouldn't with its Kevin Costner-ness, its hokey Photoshop pictures, and its cries of "intense!" and "pulse-pounding!"

I got one of these

2011-04-07T13:13:00.000-04:00

By "these" I mean "a Tumblr page. I won't be doing any writing over there or anything...well, actually worthwhile, most likely. There's something about the platform I generally find aesthetically pleasing- the simplicity, maybe? I like that a page can be nothing more than pretty pictures. I like the immediacy of it; Camp Final Girl will be the place where I'll put up a still from a movie I'm thinking about just because. I'll probably post stuff that's not horror-related as well. There's even a link at the top of the page- a link you can CLICK- that allows people to ask questions or what have you. And as nerdy as it is, I really dig the theme for my page because I have a big metaphorical boner for Field Notes, even if they're overpriced and hipster. So anyway, check out mah Tumblr if you want to. Don't worry...FG is still number one in my coal-black heart!

Silent Hill: Descent Into Update

2011-04-06T15:13:00.000-04:00

Now, I don't usually post about every little tidbit that comes down the line when a film is in production. First of all, it can quickly escalate into a massive landslide of useless information as PR firms try to keep a movie's name on the tip of everyone's brain. Second, Final Girl may be many things (one of those things is even good!), but it's not a horror news site. Third, aren't numbered lists great? Fourth, I try to ignore most of the production news when it comes to movies I'm going to want to see, like...oh, say Silent Hill: Revelation I'm Leaving Off the 3D Part (Although I Just Mentioned It There, in a Way) Because While I Never Thought I'd Say It, I'm a Bit Over 3D. You know, to minimize expectations and spoilers and so on. But! I just got a press release about how the one and only Carrie-Anne Moss has joined the cast of Silent Hill: Revelation and so I thought I'd pop in here to say:

Carrie-Anne Moss has joined the cast of Silent Hill: Revelation.

Yes, yes, when you think of Carrie-Anne Moss there's The Matrix and Memento and you know, Fido was quite entertaining. However, in my awesome opinion, what's most important is that she was part of two of my favorite things in the history of ever, namely Mass Effect 2 and OF COURSE...Models, Inc. Now she's part of Silent Hill, another of my favorite things. I am so Team Carrie-Anne Moss that I should perhaps consider making (and subsequently wearing) a t-shirt that says I am so Team Carrie-Anne Moss on it.

The point is, this is sweet news, and while I was greatly looking forward to Silent Hill: Revelation, now I am even more looking-forward-y.

Oh yeah, and now Malcolm McDowell has been cast in SH: R as well, but...you know. Meh. It's not like he was on Models, Inc or anything.

i wish

2011-04-04T17:17:00.000-04:00

so sorry...

2011-04-01T15:52:00.001-04:00

...I've been pretty much MIA lately. I've recently started a new comic gig that has a crazy deadline (of which I am still in denial), and it doesn't leave much time for anything else.

Here is a picture of Macdonald Carey of Days of Our Lives. I hope this helps ease any discomfort you may be feeling due to my absence.

I have been watching movies whilst inking, however, and I'm going to squeak out a couple of teeny reviews next week no matter the cost to my sanity.

In the meantime, enjoy your weekend! Go see Insidious because why not? It's a horror movie in theaters, and you could do with a night or afternoon out. It's not a bad flick and Rose Byrne is in it. What more could you want?

Ridiculous Faces of Death 8: Blood of Dracula

2011-03-28T16:40:00.000-04:00

I've been watching the wrong movies, I guess, because I haven't spotted a Ridiculous Face of Death in ages. "Then whatchoo postin' 'bout, Willis?", you might say- a legitimate question, if oddly phrased. Well, the arbiter of taste and (I assume) good grooming himself, one Mr. Arbogast, brought the following RFoD to my attention. It's from Blood of Dracula (1957), which I've never seen. According to Arbo's write-up on it, however, Blood of Dracula essentially seems to be I Was a Teenage Girl Dracula, a concept I can get behind. The fact that the film features such a fine RFoD has me doubly getting behind it. Or something.

Film Club: Blood and Roses

2011-03-22T17:22:00.000-04:00

As I watched my cruddy VHS copy of Blood and Roses, with its washed out colors and slight blur, I kept thinking what a marvel it would be to see the film all cleaned up, remastered, beautified, and restored to its rumored true run time of 87 minutes (versus the 74 minutes currently available). Why hasn't someone out there given the film the technological love it deserves? Isn't there some sort of Lesbian Vampire Historical Preservation Society in existence? If not, then I declare that there is now. I also nominate myself for President. I also second the nomination. The nomination is passed. Now please help yourself to juice and cookies.

Roger Vadim's 1960 take on Sheridan Le Fanu's Carmilla predates more famous interpretations of the story, such as Hammer's Karnstein Trilogy and The Blood-Spattered Bride; though it's not as salacious or bloody as some of those later sapphic vampire tales, it remains a bastion of eroticism and romance.

That's right...I said a bastion. As President of the Lesbian Vampire Historical Preservation Society, I take this all very seriously.

Poor Carmilla, a woman-child who knows little of life outside of her wealthy family's sprawling estate. Petulant about the impending marriage of her cousin Leopoldo De Karnstein, with whom she's in love, Carmilla gets in moods (you know how women be) and attempts to frighten Leopoldo's fiancee Georgia with tales of the Karnstein's good ol' days as vampires. To everyone's surprise, Georgia (Elsa Martinelli) finds the stories thrilling.

During an engagement celebration, a fireworks display in the estate's abbey ignites forgotten war munitions...and perhaps releases the spirit of the long-dead Millarca Karnstein, the family's last vampire. Carmilla (Annette Vadim) finds herself inexplicably drawn to the crypt, and before you can say "Millarca, thou art loosed!", Carmilla takes her ancestor's essence into her and it settles there like asbestosis. But sexier!

I mean look at this picture quality! It's a CRIME, I tells ya.

Soon, Carmilla's presence causes horses to cower in fear and pretty young maids to run in...well, fear. She needs blood to satisfy her hunger, of course, but what of Carmilla/Millarca's hunger for love? Her eyes remain fixed on the prize of Leopoldo (Mel Ferrer), but she's also undeniably drawn to Georgia- though whether as obstacle or object of desire is unknown. Perhaps both.

Georgia, too, finds herself drawn to her future cousin-in-law. Hiding from a rainstorm in a greenhouse, there's a sexually charged "Let me get that blood off your lip with a kiss" kiss that causes Georgia to sort of go "Oh...OH.", as those types of kisses often do.

When Carmilla finally seduces Georgia, Blood and Roses veers into surrealism as both women enter Georgia's dreamy nightmare or nightmarish dream or what have you. It's an unexpected sequence, but the hallucinogenic imagery is creepy and fantastic, all reds splashed against black and white.

It goes without saying, but again- this film really needs to be remastered.

So, in the end, has Carmilla really become Millarca, or is she simply cuckoo for cousin puffs and acts in bitey ways out of depression? Leopoldo feels one way about it and Georgia decidedly feels another. As President of the Lesbian Vampire Historical Preservation Society, however, I would have to say it's the former. Besides, that's the sexier answer, no?

Film Club Coolies!
-----------------------------
A Great Disturbance in the Farce
Don't Make Me Ang Lee
I Will Devour Your Content
Maynard Morrisey's Horror Movie Diary
Soresport Movies
Things That Don't Suck
The Agitation of the Mind
The United Provinces of Ivanlandia
Acidemic - Film
nijomu
Film Shuffle
The Montana Mancave Massacre
Musings & Meditations
Horror, Gore and More
Brutally Violent & Wonderful
Greetings from Movie City...

awesome movie poster friday - the THIS TERRIBLE MOVIE PROBABLY DOESN'T DESERVE SUCH AN AMAZING POSTER edition!

2011-03-18T14:08:00.001-04:00

Okay, so this is a tiny, tiny AMPF. If I put on my thinking cap, busted out my oversized novelty magnifying glass, and did some microfiche research, I'm sure I'd come up with plenty more examples. However, I unearthed this poster for The Child, and...well, I love The Child but I also recognize that it's not particularly a very good movie. The poster, though...dayum!

It's even better if you pretend they're all filing in for a Tupperware party.

Happy Birthday, Kurt Russell!

2011-03-17T14:09:00.000-04:00

If I were a guy, I would dress like Snake Plissken all the time. I don't know why you dudes don't do it.

In fact, I may start doing it anyway, despite the fact that I am 104%* woman.

Happy 60th Birthday to Mr. Russell. May he defeat every antiquated chess computer that dares face him!

*I have a third boob on my left leg

it's WEDNESDAY!

2011-03-16T13:36:00.000-04:00

Now, before you get all excited because of those capital letters- which would seem to indicate something special about Wednesday- please note that there's really nothing to get excited about today beyond the fact that it's Chuck Woolery's birthday.

Sorry I've been an absentee mom recently...there just hasn't been much horror in my life lately. Well, except for my hair, which is neither bouncin' nor behavin'. (rimshot) Anyway, I know you'd like to think that while I'm not here typing away furiously, I'm simply staring off into space and withering away, like Christopher Reeve at the end of Somewhere in Time. I'm sorry to say this is only mostly the case, for sometimes I do do things. Observe!

- I have been playing Dragon Age II like nobody's business! That's right, nobody's business...and yet I decided to write about it anyway over at Jill Sandwich, thereby making it everybody's business.

WHAT.

- If you are in Canada (yes, any part of Canada), then you can see Ludlow on the big screen this Friday night! It's showing as part of the Female Eye Film Festival in Toronto, and it's also been nominated in the Best Debut Feature and Best Experimental categories. I couldn't be more thrilled. What an honor! Go check it out if you can...and if you're feeling particularly bold, please consider clicking "like" on Ludlow's Facebook page. I realize that I very rarely click like on anything on Facebook, so if you're thinking that this is a time for cyber retribution, I understand. It saddens me, however, that there are, like pages on Facebook for pickles and said pickles received more interest than my film.

Mind you, I do realize that some pickles are really fucking cool. Like this one, that yodels.

- This woman be making comics. Like, a real ongoing, epic thing. It's called RPG and as you can safely assume from that title, it's all fantasy nerdery with, like, swords and monsters and quests and shit. It's still a newborn, but it updates on Mondays and Wednesdays, and you can check it out at www.rpgcomic.com.

- Next week I'm seeing Scream 4, and I will faithfully report on it when the PR people tell me I can. By the way, I refuse to call it Scre4m, except for when I did it right there when pointing out that I won't do it.

- I fear that Cathy's Curse is taking on Rumplestiltskin-sized & -shaped real estate in my brain. That is to say, it's terrible, but I find the words "It's the best thing ever!" coming out of my mouth and I desperately want to watch it and I kind of can't stop thinking about it. Oh, such powers Cathy wields!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some walls that need some starin' thrown their way.

Other people make things, too!

2011-03-09T14:11:00.000-05:00

I have this friend named Brent Engstrom, and he's one of my favorite artists, straight-up. STRAIGHT-UP, people. He does sketch cards and illustrations for stuff you've heard of: Mad Magazine, Star Wars, Garbage Pail Kids, Wacky Packages...all the weird, twisted stuff I ate up as a kid, the weird, twisted stuff that was highly influential in making me the...person I am today. Brent's work is, as you might expect, largely weird and twisted and full of black humor. You know, kids with smiles full of rotten teeth and worms in their ears. In other words, awesomely delightful, and I love it.

He's got some horror/Garbage Pail-flavored mashup cards up on his blog. I'm posting only a couple; check out the rest and explore his site- lots of goodness abounds. And if you're in the market for a sketchcard or some such, hit him up. The dude can do anything!

okay, UNCLE.

2011-03-08T13:41:00.000-05:00

Madame FanGirlTastic sent me this still and info from the forthcoming Silent Hill: Revelation and dammit, I've decided to be excited about the film.

That's right. EXCITED. I remember how much I looked forward to Silent Hill and whether or not it ended up living up to the hype I created for myself, it is awfully nice to be pumped about a movie, to gobble up trailers and practically run to the theater for the first showing on opening day. It's easy to get bogged down in cynicism, to no longer care about films coming down the pike because everything sucks anyway, but you know what? Fuck that. I've been mighty bored with horror lately, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being tired of it. I don't want to get all wrapped up in negativity and just put down everything, whether it's in pre-production or it's 30 years old. I love horror, and I love it most when I'm excited about it.

Therefore, I am excited about Silent Hill: Revelation. My interest was aroused (SO HOT) when it was announced that Michael J. Bassett (Wilderness, Deathwatch) was at the helm, and now that the basic plot is out there, my interest is like a boner the size of the Great Wall of China, which plenty of spam messages have assured me I can have if I send away for some pills. Behold!

For years, Heather Mason (Adelaide Clemens) and her father have been on the run, always one step ahead of dangerous forces that she doesn’t fully understand. Now on the eve of her 18^th birthday, plagued by terrifying nightmares and the disappearance of her father, Heather discovers she's not who she thinks she is. The revelation leads her deeper into a demonic world that threatens to trap her in Silent Hill forever.

DUDE. They're basing it on Silent Hill 3! Heather! Female protagonist! Totally unexpected. Totally boss. I hope that they're true enough to the game that she sports a silver puffy vest and there's some effed up Otherworld mall action.

At the risk of sounding like Kool Aid Man, OH fucking YEAH.

They've just started filming this in Toronto, so it's going to be quite some time before I have to worry about being first in line...but you know what? I CAN'T WAIT.