FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

May 15, 2015

awesome movie poster friday - the MAD MAX edition!

Okay, so the Mad Max films aren't horror and this is a horror blog. Well, guess what! I'm gonna talk about them anyway because I'm willing to bet that a Venn diagram showing horror fans and Mad Max fans would feature a very very very large intersection. So large, in fact, that the circles would pretty much overlap completely and you know that anyone not in the intersection is most likely a jerk. Right? I mean come on, it's Mad fucking Max.

And besides! I can talk about whatever I want to here. I could start a running feature on Precious Moments figurines if I wanted to, and talk about whether the one holding the umbrella is more or less precious than the one mixing a bowl of cake mix or whatthefuckever it is they do and enough about that, let's talk about Mad Max!

Fury Road opens today and I'm so excited I might actually explode before I get to see it tonight. Word has been nothing but super great, except for all the men's rights activists who are complaining that they were lured in by the promises of explosions and cars (promises which were apparently fulfilled, mind) only to be confronted with–GASP–feminism and female characters with agency. The horror!

But really, it makes me wonder if those complainers have actually, like, seen a Mad Max movie before? There's never been a shortage of terrific female characters and women getting shit done (for good or ill). How about Auntie Entity? Or maybe this lady?

Ugh, she is so perfect.

Anyway. Enough about the folks who just don't get it. The point is, The Road Warrior is a hugely important film for me in that "what made you you?" kind of way, you know, along with Mad Magazine and all sorts of horror movies and the such. I can't wait to trip out on that same vibe tonight. Until then, some awesome movie posters will have to suffice.

EDITED TO ADD: Hello, this is Stacie's ghost, blogging from the afterlife because she went to see Fury Road and SHE LOST HER MIND AND DIED BECAUSE IT WAS SO GOOD.

May 5, 2015

Who Wore It Best?

I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're a super person and therefore, you're a regular reader of My New Plaid Pants. Therefore, you know that it comprises movie reviews and lots of pretty pictures and horror movie talk and more beefcake than you can shake your eyeballs at (whatever that means) and more. Our pal JA has created a blog that isn't any one thing, you know? It is a smorgasbord of pop culture niblets, I tells ya. He runs many a regular feature, including Thursday's Ways Not to Die and The Moment I Fell For..., and unlike me, he actually sticks with these regular features and keeps them going! For a really long time!

Man, I suck.

Anyway, today I'm borrowing one of MNPP's recurring features–Who Wore It Best?–because what else can you do when you remember that time you were playing the 2013 Tomb Raider reboot and suddenly you were confronted with a positively delightful nod to one of your favorite films, The Descentas Lara Croft slowly and calmly emerges from a pool of blood? It's so gross! It's so good! Videogames and horror movies are two great tastes that taste great together and separately, don't you think?

Still, if I'm to truly borrow a gimmick from JA then I'm afraid you'll have to vote. Only one blood-soaked heroine can be victorious! So...who wore the pool of blood best?

Who Wore It Best?

Mar 14, 2015

I should have posted this yesterday!

I know I should have, but I did not. So sue me! But it's been stuck in my head since then, and now I hope it is stuck in yours. *evil laugh*

THAT ENDING. Why couldn't this happen in the actual movie??

Feb 20, 2015

awesome movie poster friday: the EVEN MORE VHS BOX ART edition!

Wow, it's been so long since I've busted out an Awesome Movie Poster Friday. I'm such a jerk! But you knew that, I'm sure. Anyway, since I recently wrapped VHS Week, I figured why not bring back one of my favorite things to feature here, VHS boxes. Aw yeah!

From the BUTTERFACE department, amirite? Honk honk!


Then there's the hair. Is this a skeleton playing a joke? With a wig and a stuffed shirt? Or did a cheerleader with a lot of secrets die a long time ago? SO MANY QUESTIONS

"Ma'am, now may not be the best time to tell you but I need to be honest: I can't see anything. Also, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing."

Look, I really don't want to victim-blame here. But at what point do you find yourself a new gynecologist or whatever? When you realize his name is Dr. Sadism? When you get to the office park for your appointment and realize it's a castle? When the nurse comes out to the waiting room and is all "Right this way, please" and she leads you to a torture chamber? I mean, the clues that this would not work out well were kind of there, you have to admit.

"Hands" which we mean "forearms".

Looks like they're ready for Threesome on a Meathook, really, but props for those flawless blow-outs in the face of (sexy) danger.

*woman screams in terror as her throat is cut*


Okay, given the perspective in this picture, I'd say he's got a good 6-10 feet to cover before he kicks her in the butt...but his foot is already up, so I assume he's going to hop at her in a menacing fashion.

Also, Stephanie, shoveling like that is a really good way to throw out your back, young lady!

Shout out to some of horror's tiniest victims:

PS- Hey The Nest, you really should have called her an "Amuse-roach"

I'm including this one because at first glance I thought it said "Satan Wrap":

And this one, at first I thought it said "Ninja Potato Whores" WHICH IS TOTALLY A MOVIE I WANT TO SEE but all of these misreads are making me think that maybe I have some kind of brain damage? 

And finally...

Here's exclusive footage of that tagline being written:

Feb 13, 2015

Happy Friday the 13th!

It's true, I feel a bit of a moral imperative to post when a Friday the 13th rolls around. Sure, sure, I practically grew up with the film series like any good horror young'un. But it's really in the period since I started Final Girl that I've become well and truly enamored with the antics of Jason, his mama, and even that Roy fellow. It could be that the property itself has been celebrated by the community at large, what with the His Name Was Jason and the Crystal Lake Memories (the book and the documentary!) and the such. I've written about victims (I know...I should bring that feature back), I've drawn the victims (and the killers)..I've devoted a shit ton of my limited brain space to Friday the 13th!

And I tell ya, it still surprises me. See, in the world of fandoms there are certain battles that are destined to be eternally waged: The Beatles vs The Rolling Stones, Yankees vs Red Sox, Star Trek vs The Next Generation, Old Becky vs New Becky, Riunite vs Riunite on Ice. Everyone chooses a side and sticks with it forever, and in the Friday the 13th vs Halloween battle I've always been a Halloween girl. I still am! Yet...look, I've always treated Friday like a dirty secret, like an awful person I'm ashamed to date. But here it is: I can no longer deny that as a whole I prefer the Friday series. AS A WHOLE. Maybe I've been too heavily influenced by all the hours I've spent in its company, but I'd most definitely rather watch Friday the 13th Part V than Halloween 5.

If you like this image, you can buy it on a t-shirt or a print or something right here!

I've spent time this morning ruminating on who my favorite Friday the 13th character is. Not my favorite kill or my favorite final girl, but my overall favorite character.

Correction: I've spent WAY TOO MUCH time. Like, "this question is on par with 'what is the purpose of life?' amounts of time.

And I still don't have an answer, but no matter. Somewhere along the way "who is my favorite?" became "who would I want to hang out with?" and that's a way better question. Will I find an answer? WILL I?

Jimmy (The Final Chapter)

Would I want to hang out with Jimmy? Fuck no! I bet he'd be really annoying in a short amount of time. Even if he weren't, you'd probably get stuck hanging out with Ted as well, and you know he's the worst.

Violet (A New Beginning)

Listen, even if you want to hang out with Violet, she sure as shit doesn't want to hang out with you. She's so surly! You'd say "Hey Violet, wha–" and she'd say "Fuck off."

Maddy (The New Blood)

Maddy might be okay, like she'd be down to play some Dungeons & Dragons maybe. But she'd also spend a lot of time complaining about stuff and that would be too much like hanging out with myself.

Doug and Sara (The Final Chapter)

They're awfully nice and adorable and surprisingly mature for a Friday film, but...bleh. I feel like he would want to talk about finances and she would never want to go get Indian food because she's afraid it might be "too spicy".

Mark (Part II)

Okay, I would totally hang out with Mark! He seems so nice, and who wouldn't want to look at that handsome face all the time? Here's the thing, though: my apartment isn't wheelchair-accessible, so we'd have to hang out at his place or out out all the time. That's fine and all, but it doesn't really jive with my "creepy recluse" lifestyle and I'm sure we'd only hang out like twice before we just stopped texting each other.

JJ (Jason Takes Manhattan)

She might be cool...for ten minutes. Beyond that, you know she'd bring her guitar everywhere and she'd want to play all the time and you'd have to cope with that while secretly thinking that her music is garbage and you'd feel bad about that because you're supposed to be her friend and it's not like you have any musical talent for sure so who are you to judge well maybe you're just a terrible person because unterrible people don't think those sorts of things so do you just accept your station in life or try to change and for fuck's sake you don't really have much in common with JJ when you really think about it so it's best if you quit hanging out. Or something like that.

Fox (Part 3)

I imagine hitting it off well with Fox, but then ultimately she'd keep showing up at my place with her friends in tow wanting to "party" and I'd have to be like "Fox, I'm reading right now" but I'd let them all in anyway. Then the next day I'd wake up and my place would be trashed and all my booze would be gone and some DVDs would be missing and I'd be so mad, but then I'd think "Well, they are literally a gang so what did I expect?"

Brenda (Friday the 13th)

Okay, Brenda seems nice and all, and she reads, but–

Wait! I don't think there's a but! I would totally hang out with Brenda.

Ginny, Paul, Ted (Part 2)

I would also hang out with these three. Right? Only a jerk wouldn't want to.

So there you go. Out of, like, 200 characters in the series, I've found four I would hang out with. I could go through everyone else, but it would probably take me the rest of my life to go through them all. Suffice it to say, everyone else would probably be dismissed with a "boring", "gross", "annoying", "what would we talk about?", or "obnoxious".

Unless I'm forgetting someone tell me. Who would you hang out with?

Feb 12, 2015

why you gotta test me

Like most cranky, entitled horror fans, my relationship with remakes is a tempestuous one. The trend has been going on for so long–should a ten-plus-year trend actually be called a "trend"? or is it a "wave", maybe?–that it's just a way of life now. I've experienced nearly all the highs, lows, and creamy middles that remakes can bring and I've been left numb. I'm good at ignoring movies and the such if I'm not interested in them, and of course there's that ol' chestnut of an argument: well, a remake doesn't take away from or change the original you love so much, so what's the harm? (The counter to this, of course, is that money spent on shitty remakes is money that could be spent on original stories, that's the harm. But let's let that lie for now.) I just can't get angry anymore. You wanna remake an already-good horror movie? Go for it. You wanna remake a remake? Like I give a shit.


There have been a few rumored remakes that angered up my blood (you're going to remake Suspiria come on now), sure, but beyond initial reports they just seemed to disappear. Then one day, a couple of years later "Hey, wasn't Michael Bay going to remake The Birds?" runs through your mind. You realize this has yet to be, and you immediately banish the thought forever in case a mere mental mention is enough to summon it. You know, like it's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man or something.

The point of all this is, you guys I thought the HOW DARE YOU American remake of Martyrs was banished to the Cinematic Negative Zone of Really Fucking Bad Ideas, but now Bloody Disgusting reports that it's already finished. Filmed totally in secret! I'm not sure if that portends good or ill, but in this day and age of endless (pointless) set updates and photos and press releases, I'm shocked. In a good way.

But that's all you'll get from me, Martyrs remake! I'm putting away my wussy "wait and see, who knows, give everything a chance, maybe I'll like it" giant foam finger and replacing it with the one that says FUCK YOU. I'm going to get irrationally, pointlessly irritated about this because 1) come on, it's still a really fucking bad idea to remake Martyrs and you know it is, and 2) it's something to do.

Here are your new martyrs:

Apparently the one on the left (Bailey Noble) hails from True Blood, while the one on the right (Troian Bellisario) is on Pretty Little Liars. Look, I don't watch those shows so for all I know these women could be terrific actresses. All I know for sure is that names like "Bailey" and "Troian" make me feel old and scared.

And YES they look as uninteresting as slices of J Crew pretty white bread, so imagining them in fucking Martyrs is making my brain hurt. However! (What's this "however" shit? JUST BE IRRATIONALLY MEAN AND ANGRY.) Judging from "actress" headshot photos isn't really fair, and also let's not pretend that Mylene Jampanoi and Morjana Alaoui (OG MARTYRS 4 LYFE 5EVER) aren't like supermodel gorgeous. If I judged them the way I'm apparently judging these Designer Imposter Martyrs, I wouldn't have had faith in them, either, and we all know that's stupid.

Here's the thing: I know I'm going to have to see this remake. It's just too much to ignore, isn't it? It's such an outlandish notion, I simply must see how it turns out...because how do you remake Martyrs I have so many Martyrs feelings and YES I KNOW I've yet to write anything about it but it's very difficult for me to even think about trying to try to articulate those feelings okay I just aokjnlklkdnfldskndfdddddddddddddd



Hey, maybe the remake will finally get me past my write about Martyrs-block! Maybe that's the reason it exists. I guess we'll see. I'm really really going to try to go into it with as open a mind as possible (yeah right) and curb my urge to slap this remake right across its audacious face. RIGHT ACROSS IT I SAY.

Ah, sometimes irrational anger feels good, doesn't it? It's sure warming me up on this cold winter's day!

Feb 9, 2015

amazon one-star reviews: CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984)

About a year and a half ago, I gave a day of my life to a little something called The Corn-ening, wherein I watched all of the Children of the Corn movies in a row. These marathons are are an endurance test for sure! No matter the series, around film #4 I begin to question my sanity, the point of the marathon, the point of movies in general, the point of my life. But, you know, I keep on sloggin' away on my vision quest and eventually I emerge on the other side in the harsh light of a new day, having achieved...well, nothing, really. I don't think I learned anything, either. But it's the journey that's the thing, right? I read that on an inspirational watercolor painting in a bathroom one time.

Anyway, this one-star review for Children of the Corn struck a chord, for the reviewer embarks on his or her own personal corn journey. It begins with confusion, moves through disappointment, and ends at place that's "[not] bad"...of course, this person also logged on and gave the film a one-star review at the mid-point of the movie, so who knows how it really ended? What a cliffhanger! But again, I remind myself: it's the journey that's the thing.

Back in the day I watched a movie called Children of the Corn. Well at less that's what I thought it was called. It starts with a small town. Everyone is put on a spell and fell asleep. After everyone wakes up all of the woman are pregnant. Everyone gives birth to children who want to kill the town. Only one little boy doesn't want to kill the town. He try's to stop the others.
I thought this movie was the same as I described. I am very disapointed that it is the wrong movie. I really really want the other Children of the Corn movie. There are way too many Children of the Corn for me to find the one I am looking for. If any one reads this and knows what movie I am talking about message me. I hope there is a way to message me. Well since I was so unhappy with this movie I didn't really give it a chances. I am in the middle of watching it now. And I guess this movie isn't bad.

It seems that this poor person confused Village of the Damned with Children of the Damned and then ended up buying Children of the Corn. Is it right for me–or any of us, now that you're aware–to sit on this info, or do we reach out and offer up our knowledge? W.W.H.W.W.B.T.R.D.? 

Honestly, my urge to help is tempered by the fact that this poor confused person rated a movie one star because of their own stupidity instead of its own awfulness. You're out of order, reviewer! The whole trial's out of order!