FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Jun 11, 2015

Happy Birthday to Me

Kids, guess what! Today marks some kind of "Holy shit, everyone is old" milestone in the annals of Final Girl, for she is now ten years old. Ten! Years! A decade! Baby's growing up so fast, the next thing you know she'll be taking murderous revenge on all the people who made fun of the limp she had in 6th grade.

(In the interests of history and also for the record, I did not have a limp in 6th grade. But that was the year I got glasses, braces, and chicken pox all within about two days of each other, so trust: a limp would have been vastly preferred. Although I have to say no one made fun of any of it, so I'll have to take murderous revenge for some other reason, I suppose. Hooray?)

Oh man, ten years and I still can't catch a break from that guy!

For real though–yes, for REAL–a decade is a long time to have a horror blog, so I'm sure that says something about something. Do people still have blogs? Does anyone read them now that Or does everyone just "jack in" to some kind of "cyber reality" and "hack the mainframe"?

In the ten years since I started Final Girl on a whim and a prayer (to Satan), oh how the world has changed. Remember when remakes were just starting to be a thing and we were all simultaneously stunned and outraged? Remember the Asian horror invasion (come back, Tartan Asia Extreme, I miss you so much)? Remember the days before Blu-ray, when rare horror movies were only available on, like, shitty bootleg CD-Rs of VHS copies? Remember the time we had that gum? Remember when you could sit outside and not worry about the mosquitos and the killers? We've been through so much, what a ride, does this look infected to you, etc etc. We've loved and lost, and loved again and lost again, and loved again and lost again, and I guess you could say we've sort of alternated on those.

You know, I'd never written anything for public consumption before I started Final Girl. I'd never considered writing at all, it was never my thing. I didn't keep a journal or write stories or any of that, outside of whatever I had to do for school. It's because of this dumb horror blog that I've discovered one of the greatest loves of my life, and one of the reason I kept this dumb horror blog going is the readers. I mean, I write to write, not because people sometimes say nice things (though that always brings about good feelings) or because sometimes people say mean things (though that always brings about a laugh). "Visitor stats" and numbers don't mean anything, but a reader leaving a recommendation in the comments, or the discussions that get going, the writers I've been introduced to...those mean something. Y'all give Final Girl life!

So whether you've been coming here for ten years or for ten seconds, thanks for reading. I can't tell you how great it feels. (It's a secret.)

May 15, 2015

awesome movie poster friday - the MAD MAX edition!

Okay, so the Mad Max films aren't horror and this is a horror blog. Well, guess what! I'm gonna talk about them anyway because I'm willing to bet that a Venn diagram showing horror fans and Mad Max fans would feature a very very very large intersection. So large, in fact, that the circles would pretty much overlap completely and you know that anyone not in the intersection is most likely a jerk. Right? I mean come on, it's Mad fucking Max.

And besides! I can talk about whatever I want to here. I could start a running feature on Precious Moments figurines if I wanted to, and talk about whether the one holding the umbrella is more or less precious than the one mixing a bowl of cake mix or whatthefuckever it is they do and enough about that, let's talk about Mad Max!

Fury Road opens today and I'm so excited I might actually explode before I get to see it tonight. Word has been nothing but super great, except for all the men's rights activists who are complaining that they were lured in by the promises of explosions and cars (promises which were apparently fulfilled, mind) only to be confronted with–GASP–feminism and female characters with agency. The horror!

But really, it makes me wonder if those complainers have actually, like, seen a Mad Max movie before? There's never been a shortage of terrific female characters and women getting shit done (for good or ill). How about Auntie Entity? Or maybe this lady?

Ugh, she is so perfect.

Anyway. Enough about the folks who just don't get it. The point is, The Road Warrior is a hugely important film for me in that "what made you you?" kind of way, you know, along with Mad Magazine and all sorts of horror movies and the such. I can't wait to trip out on that same vibe tonight. Until then, some awesome movie posters will have to suffice.

EDITED TO ADD: Hello, this is Stacie's ghost, blogging from the afterlife because she went to see Fury Road and SHE LOST HER MIND AND DIED BECAUSE IT WAS SO GOOD.

May 5, 2015

Who Wore It Best?

I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're a super person and therefore, you're a regular reader of My New Plaid Pants. Therefore, you know that it comprises movie reviews and lots of pretty pictures and horror movie talk and more beefcake than you can shake your eyeballs at (whatever that means) and more. Our pal JA has created a blog that isn't any one thing, you know? It is a smorgasbord of pop culture niblets, I tells ya. He runs many a regular feature, including Thursday's Ways Not to Die and The Moment I Fell For..., and unlike me, he actually sticks with these regular features and keeps them going! For a really long time!

Man, I suck.

Anyway, today I'm borrowing one of MNPP's recurring features–Who Wore It Best?–because what else can you do when you remember that time you were playing the 2013 Tomb Raider reboot and suddenly you were confronted with a positively delightful nod to one of your favorite films, The Descentas Lara Croft slowly and calmly emerges from a pool of blood? It's so gross! It's so good! Videogames and horror movies are two great tastes that taste great together and separately, don't you think?

Still, if I'm to truly borrow a gimmick from JA then I'm afraid you'll have to vote. Only one blood-soaked heroine can be victorious! So...who wore the pool of blood best?

Who Wore It Best?

Mar 14, 2015

I should have posted this yesterday!

I know I should have, but I did not. So sue me! But it's been stuck in my head since then, and now I hope it is stuck in yours. *evil laugh*

THAT ENDING. Why couldn't this happen in the actual movie??

Feb 20, 2015

awesome movie poster friday: the EVEN MORE VHS BOX ART edition!

Wow, it's been so long since I've busted out an Awesome Movie Poster Friday. I'm such a jerk! But you knew that, I'm sure. Anyway, since I recently wrapped VHS Week, I figured why not bring back one of my favorite things to feature here, VHS boxes. Aw yeah!

From the BUTTERFACE department, amirite? Honk honk!


Then there's the hair. Is this a skeleton playing a joke? With a wig and a stuffed shirt? Or did a cheerleader with a lot of secrets die a long time ago? SO MANY QUESTIONS

"Ma'am, now may not be the best time to tell you but I need to be honest: I can't see anything. Also, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing."

Look, I really don't want to victim-blame here. But at what point do you find yourself a new gynecologist or whatever? When you realize his name is Dr. Sadism? When you get to the office park for your appointment and realize it's a castle? When the nurse comes out to the waiting room and is all "Right this way, please" and she leads you to a torture chamber? I mean, the clues that this would not work out well were kind of there, you have to admit.

"Hands" which we mean "forearms".

Looks like they're ready for Threesome on a Meathook, really, but props for those flawless blow-outs in the face of (sexy) danger.

*woman screams in terror as her throat is cut*


Okay, given the perspective in this picture, I'd say he's got a good 6-10 feet to cover before he kicks her in the butt...but his foot is already up, so I assume he's going to hop at her in a menacing fashion.

Also, Stephanie, shoveling like that is a really good way to throw out your back, young lady!

Shout out to some of horror's tiniest victims:

PS- Hey The Nest, you really should have called her an "Amuse-roach"

I'm including this one because at first glance I thought it said "Satan Wrap":

And this one, at first I thought it said "Ninja Potato Whores" WHICH IS TOTALLY A MOVIE I WANT TO SEE but all of these misreads are making me think that maybe I have some kind of brain damage? 

And finally...

Here's exclusive footage of that tagline being written:

Feb 13, 2015

Happy Friday the 13th!

It's true, I feel a bit of a moral imperative to post when a Friday the 13th rolls around. Sure, sure, I practically grew up with the film series like any good horror young'un. But it's really in the period since I started Final Girl that I've become well and truly enamored with the antics of Jason, his mama, and even that Roy fellow. It could be that the property itself has been celebrated by the community at large, what with the His Name Was Jason and the Crystal Lake Memories (the book and the documentary!) and the such. I've written about victims (I know...I should bring that feature back), I've drawn the victims (and the killers)..I've devoted a shit ton of my limited brain space to Friday the 13th!

And I tell ya, it still surprises me. See, in the world of fandoms there are certain battles that are destined to be eternally waged: The Beatles vs The Rolling Stones, Yankees vs Red Sox, Star Trek vs The Next Generation, Old Becky vs New Becky, Riunite vs Riunite on Ice. Everyone chooses a side and sticks with it forever, and in the Friday the 13th vs Halloween battle I've always been a Halloween girl. I still am! Yet...look, I've always treated Friday like a dirty secret, like an awful person I'm ashamed to date. But here it is: I can no longer deny that as a whole I prefer the Friday series. AS A WHOLE. Maybe I've been too heavily influenced by all the hours I've spent in its company, but I'd most definitely rather watch Friday the 13th Part V than Halloween 5.

If you like this image, you can buy it on a t-shirt or a print or something right here!

I've spent time this morning ruminating on who my favorite Friday the 13th character is. Not my favorite kill or my favorite final girl, but my overall favorite character.

Correction: I've spent WAY TOO MUCH time. Like, "this question is on par with 'what is the purpose of life?' amounts of time.

And I still don't have an answer, but no matter. Somewhere along the way "who is my favorite?" became "who would I want to hang out with?" and that's a way better question. Will I find an answer? WILL I?

Jimmy (The Final Chapter)

Would I want to hang out with Jimmy? Fuck no! I bet he'd be really annoying in a short amount of time. Even if he weren't, you'd probably get stuck hanging out with Ted as well, and you know he's the worst.

Violet (A New Beginning)

Listen, even if you want to hang out with Violet, she sure as shit doesn't want to hang out with you. She's so surly! You'd say "Hey Violet, wha–" and she'd say "Fuck off."

Maddy (The New Blood)

Maddy might be okay, like she'd be down to play some Dungeons & Dragons maybe. But she'd also spend a lot of time complaining about stuff and that would be too much like hanging out with myself.

Doug and Sara (The Final Chapter)

They're awfully nice and adorable and surprisingly mature for a Friday film, but...bleh. I feel like he would want to talk about finances and she would never want to go get Indian food because she's afraid it might be "too spicy".

Mark (Part II)

Okay, I would totally hang out with Mark! He seems so nice, and who wouldn't want to look at that handsome face all the time? Here's the thing, though: my apartment isn't wheelchair-accessible, so we'd have to hang out at his place or out out all the time. That's fine and all, but it doesn't really jive with my "creepy recluse" lifestyle and I'm sure we'd only hang out like twice before we just stopped texting each other.

JJ (Jason Takes Manhattan)

She might be cool...for ten minutes. Beyond that, you know she'd bring her guitar everywhere and she'd want to play all the time and you'd have to cope with that while secretly thinking that her music is garbage and you'd feel bad about that because you're supposed to be her friend and it's not like you have any musical talent for sure so who are you to judge well maybe you're just a terrible person because unterrible people don't think those sorts of things so do you just accept your station in life or try to change and for fuck's sake you don't really have much in common with JJ when you really think about it so it's best if you quit hanging out. Or something like that.

Fox (Part 3)

I imagine hitting it off well with Fox, but then ultimately she'd keep showing up at my place with her friends in tow wanting to "party" and I'd have to be like "Fox, I'm reading right now" but I'd let them all in anyway. Then the next day I'd wake up and my place would be trashed and all my booze would be gone and some DVDs would be missing and I'd be so mad, but then I'd think "Well, they are literally a gang so what did I expect?"

Brenda (Friday the 13th)

Okay, Brenda seems nice and all, and she reads, but–

Wait! I don't think there's a but! I would totally hang out with Brenda.

Ginny, Paul, Ted (Part 2)

I would also hang out with these three. Right? Only a jerk wouldn't want to.

So there you go. Out of, like, 200 characters in the series, I've found four I would hang out with. I could go through everyone else, but it would probably take me the rest of my life to go through them all. Suffice it to say, everyone else would probably be dismissed with a "boring", "gross", "annoying", "what would we talk about?", or "obnoxious".

Unless I'm forgetting someone tell me. Who would you hang out with?