FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Oct 29, 2005

Part 5- The Revenge of Michael Myers...or, Stacie Goes Insane

OK, let me say right off that I may not be able to control my language in this post, so if you think you may potentially be offended, please look away. I went through about 16 stages of fury to reach a place of cold, cold loneliness while watching this film. When it ended, I was curled up in a fetal position, asking for it to just please...please...stop.

The short of it: Michael Myers did NOT die at the end of Part 4, and is continuing his search for his niece Jamie so he can kill her.

Now. A few questions and comments for you.

So when he fell in the big hole at the end of Part 4, he ended up floating down a river...floating down a fucking river? Hint: psychos floating downriver are NOT scary. It would've been better if they sent him on a fucking tubin' trip.

What's up with the mask? It's not remotely similar to any other mask he's worn, and it's got so much hair he looks like a fucking pasty-faced troll doll half the time.

Since we were treated to the fine Sheriff Leigh Brackett (Charles Cyphers) in the original movie, the Haddonfield police force is so awful that they now employ some bumbling, jokey Keystone Kop idiots who are accompanied by a soundtrack of bells, whistles, boings, and other clown music? You've gotta be fucking kidding me. They would've been bad enough alone, but there just HAD to be that ridiculous music playing that made me so mad I punched myself in the face twice. Well, I wanted to, anyway.

Jamie is now psychically linked to Michael? That's why she attacked her stepmom at the end of Part 4? Because she was possessed? What a cowardly cop-out for what they could've done with the character of Jamie.

Please...PLEASE...I beg all of you aspiring filmmakers out there...or anyone currently making films...do not- I repeat, DO NOT create a character that is "wacky". And certainly do not make him or her the longest-lasting character in the movie. I will put a pox on your house so fucking fast...here we had Tina (Wendy Kaplan), who we know is zany and wacky because she not only tells us repeatedly, but she wears clothes with zebra stripes. I spent so much time begging Michael Myers to put an end to her, I could feel my blood pressure rising by the second.

So what's with Michael's friggin' jailhouse tattoo and the fucking Midnight Cowboy dude with a matching tattoo who follows him around all movie and then blows up the jail at the end so Michael can escape?

Michael Myers chases Jamie in a car. HE CHASES JAMIE IN A CAR. THROUGH A CHRISTMAS TREE FARM.

Dr. Loomis (who is practically as indestructible as Michael Myers) keeps luring Michael back "home"...but is it me, or was it NOT THE FUCKING MYERS HOUSE? It had a fucking turret.
So Jamie stops Michael fom killing her by calling him Uncle Boogeyman? At which point a tear rolls down Michael's cheek? My eyes were filled with tears of hatred and anger, and they burned...they burrrrrrned....

I spent the 90 or so minutes of this movie filled with pizza and rage. The world better pray...pray, I tells ya...that Part 6 is better.

8 comments:

Des said...

The world is doomed...

B.A. Slattery said...

This movie also infuriated me to no extent. Everything about it is ridiculous. Donald Pleasance is totally not even acting in it; he just sighs and yawns and zombies through it. Not only that but it's wicked slow and dull.

I actually enjoyed Part 4. I think it's totally over the top and ridiculous, but somewhat enjoyable. Part 5 is a void in time. It's an anti-movie. It leaves you feeling as if you've been trapped in an angry coma for two years.

Stacie Ponder said...

Parts 5 and 6 mad me so enraged when I took each out of the VCR, they burned up in my white-hot fists of fury. They flamed at the touch of my anger! At least it's 1 more copy of each that no longer exists...the rest should be buried in the desert next to all those Atari E.T. games.

Steve said...

Atari ET games, c'mon, I wasted a good bit of my childhood falling into those damn wells, only to elongate my neck and float out. To this day I'm not if I understand the point of that game...

Stacie Ponder said...

I NEVER got anywhere in that game. Go down 2 screens, fall in a well, float out...go over to a dot that might be a reese's piece, here comes guy in hat, die.

I don't know if it's an urban legend or not, but apparently there really is a zillion of those games buried out in the desert somewhere!

Anonymous said...

Die Tina, Die.

I sometimes watch this movie and then I always wonder why. I think I'm addicted to Tina and her zebra pants. She's so late 80s white hot. Really, I hate her, but man I just gotta have it.

Amanda By Night

Anonymous said...

I also want to mention that my hairdresser said he felt "raped" by the end of this movie.

Me too.

Amanda By Night

SikeChick said...

I remember hysterical boughts of laughter from my best friend and me everytime those silver-tipped boots came on screen. We took to calling him Janet Jackson because she was fond of similar footware at the time. "Uncle Boogeyman" and floating down the river and that mask and TINA. So so so much to hate and yet it still holds a tiny place in my heart. But that place is really really tiny.