FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Jun 6, 2006

roasting chestnuts

Yesterday there was news about attempts to squeeze a bit more life money from Halloween's teat...today there's the poster for the upcoming Texas Chainsaw Massacre prequel, The Beginning.

This poster cracks me up. Sure, the color scheme is lovely, the film grain, while obviously Photoshopped, is a nice touch. But that picture of Leatherface...man. Is he some sort of angst-y loner in this movie? Is he struggling to find his identity by hitting the road with his chainsaw...or is he out for justice? One man and his chainsaw, walking off into the stormclouds. It's like a Tobe Hooper, Sergio Leone, and Vincent Gallo clusterfuck.

And then there's "WITNESS THE BIRTH OF FEAR"...honestly, I'd rather not witness the birth of anything. Yeah, yeah...miracle of life and all that- it's still fucking gross.

18 comments:

SikeChick said...

I was not a huge fan of the original Chainsaw (yeah, I said it!), and yet I find myself drawn to its sequels. I may be one of a handful of people who enjoyed the silly Next Generation (even with Renee Zellweger). I was even pleasantly surprised by the rema..., uh, re-imagining done a few years ago. I am looking forward to this and will keep my fingers crossed in the hopes that it will at least be serviceable. Bonus for me: Lee Tergesen, most recently of TNT's "Wanted" is in it, so at least there will be eye-candy and not of the WB variety.

Josh said...

I'm hoping that thing he's walking towards in the distance is a guy with a floating head... now that'd be worth the price of admission.

Craig Moorhead said...

Yeah, looks like 'Chainsaw' is becoming more of a look than a movie. I'm not sure this was supposed to be such an epic tale. I'm also not sure that the poster is supposed to remind so much of Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor.

There's only so much story in a thing and these sequels and remakes sure make 'em run out fast.

brian said...

Well I'd like to see this birth:
Fade in.. we're in an old timey hospital. There's a woman in in obvious pain. Wait... she's giving birth! The nurse frantically wipes the brow of the busy doctor. "Push" he says... "Push!".. she's having some trouble. Finally the woman lets out one last loud grunt and falls unconscious as the whole medical staff recoils in terror. Then you can hear it... very quiet at first.. but it builds and builds into a loud high pitched rumbling. The mother wakes up disoriented and leans forward to see her new "baby"... it's a tiny little blood covered chainsaw rumbling menacingly. The medical staff can only shake their heads in disbelief. Terrified and repulsed, she reacts in the only way she can... "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Opening credits.

theron said...

Ha! Buford Pusser IS Leatherface in...

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Walking Tall

The Retropolitan said...

I can see Vincent Gallo as a young Leatherface.

dreamrot said...

The startling revelation is the Leatherface is really just a lonely emo kid.

Fatally Yours said...

Anyone who knows me understands my love for TCSM, so I roll my eyes at this poster! Hear that? I roll my eyes at you, you pointless rip-off, errrr...i mean reimagining!

Ya know, I just can't help but guffaw when I look at this poster...I can't help it, I can't stop laughing it's so bad.

Dreamrot, you are absolutely right, Leatherface does look like a sad lil' emo kid, or maybe a brooding goth kid with that leather apron on. Now he just needs to get a ridiculous haircut to fit in with all those other "individuals!"

Geez, this movie looks horrible...no more guffawing now.

lostphrack said...

And then there's "WITNESS THE BIRTH OF FEAR"...honestly, I'd rather not witness the birth of anything. Yeah, yeah...miracle of life and all that- it's still fucking gross.

Maybe that's the plan. It'll be a post natal gore fest with endless scene's of births, and Leatherface will run in and chainsaw through the umbilical cords.

Maybe..?

Stacie Ponder said...

Replace that chainsaw with a guitar and suddenly it's a poster for Walk the Line 2.

Josh said...

"Hello... I'm Leatherface"

henteaser said...

"Coming Soon: Army of Darkness 2". Or is it El Mariachi: Parallel Universe?

Looks like Leatherface is heading for a gas station.

Stacie Ponder said...

Perfect! Yes, remove the chainsaw and stick a gas can in his hand. Voila! Falling Down Part 2.

It's such a universal poster...he holds a dozen roses and Leeatherface is off to woo his woman Kirsten Dunst in Crazy/Beautiful 2: Wicked Crazy.

snarf said...

How about a giallo version of Texas Chainsaw? It should be called Four Pink Chaisaws On The Lizards Lips, or something in that vein. It should be a mystery that Leatherface was the killer, that would be revealed in the end via various contrieved plottwists. He should of course wear black gloves when he does the killings.

I would love to see the series taking this direction.

Anonymous said...

Here's another note about an upcoming remake:
Variety reports Screen Gems has acquired remake rights to the 1987 horror pic The Stepfather for Greg Mooradian and Maverick Films to produce.

Why do we need a remake of Stepfather? What exactly are they going to improve upon? Terry O'Quinn was awesome in this movie. It is one of my favorites.

Least they could do is make it somewhat original and name it Stepmother...or My Transexual Stepmother!

Joel

Al K. Haul said...

okay you freaks i think i have the winner:
that disembodied head guy is heath ledger & this is the poster for:

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN CHAINSAW MASSACRE!
Witness the birth of fear! Translation: the tent scene, with a chainsaw!

I wish I knew how to quit you, Leatherface!

Anonymous said...

Makes me think of another little loner. David Banner! Yup, Leatherface and the Incredible Hulk are one and the same now.

Ah!

Amanda By Night

Chop-a-holic said...

Wow! I've really been slacking here. I like all the new titles but I'm surprised you missed "Mad Hax: Beyond Blunderdome" Two sequals enter, One scene leaves!

Maybe Bon Jovi can make a sequal to dead or alive for the soundtrack... (Here's the real groaner!)
"It's a Stihl horse I ride! 'Cause I'm waaaaanteeed, for peeling off hides!"
Thank you! Thank you! Remember the 11 o'clock show is nothing like the 9 o'clock show... Try the veal.