Alright, kids, I guess it's time for me to hang up my hat. I know, I know...we've all had some fun here at Final Girl. But the fact of the matter is, I have now seen the greatest movie in the history of ever and I don't see why there's any point in continuing on. Things can only go downhill from the heights of movie awesomeness reached tonight. Only one movie can stand atop the heap, King of the Cinematic Mountain, and I have been fortunate enough to have seen it. The movie?
SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON!
Ohmyfuckinggod. I really don't know what to tell you people except that this movie rocked my face off so hard that my face launched off into the atmosphere and in fact it may now be circling the Earth like a teeny tiny Stacie's face-shaped moon. Yeah, that hard.
What is there to say? Having not seen Shark Attack or Shark Attack 2, I was worried I might not have any clue as to what was going on...but it wasn't so! I caught on to things rather quickly, as if the first two Shark Attack movies didn't even matter. Perhaps I'm missing out on some subtle nuances or liet motifs running throughout the series, but I never felt lost while watching this movie. What a relief!
A Megalodon (a prehistoric-type shark with teeth the size of Nicole Ritchie's ass) has been disturbed whilst hanging out in the deepest trenches of the ocean by...umm...electricity, I guess, courtesy of miles and miles of fiber optic cable laid on the ocean floor by the evil Apex Corporation. Megalodon pissed! Megalodon attack! Who will save the day? Will it be our hero, Ben (who...umm, patrols the beachfront property of a fancy Mexican resort, looking for danger) and our heroine Cat (a paleontologist, natch)? Yes...yes it will. But not before Megaolodon gets Megalodown.
Those of you expecting thrilling shark-eats-man sequences will be...perhaps disappointed. Sure, shark do eat man, but rarely do we see man and shark in the same shot. Why? How is this possible? Well you see, in the finest tradition of Edward D Wood, Jr, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon director David Worth makes ample use of stock footage. Clear video footage of folks on a boat will cut to grainy footage of a shark at sea. With some clever editing, you won't even know there's stock footage! By "you won't even know", of course, I mean "you can always, always tell".
Fear not, action fans, because what the movie lacks in shark-eats-man action it more than make up for with hot hot WHITE HOT steering wheel and throttle action! John Woo wrings his hands and pees his pants in shame in the shadow of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, I am sure of it.
Can you feel the action through The Internet? I bet you can! It'll leave you breathless!
Lest you think that Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is all non-stop explosive power and action, however, I want you to know that there is also time for...tenderness during all the proceedings. Yes, of course our hero and heroine get it on. There came a time in the film where I knew the consummation of the non-existent sexual tension was imminent, but the love scene was preceded by a line so jaw-dropping that I simply can not and will not give it to you. It needs to be experienced with no forewarning- it is that awesome. And speaking of awesome, said love scene culminates in the best mid-coital freeze frame/cross fade EVAR.
The Megaloaction keeps on chugging along, baby, all the way through. Just when you think the movie can't possibly get any better...just when your side cramps o' laughter have started to ease up a little bit, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon pulls out all the stops. The sequence in which The Evil Fiber Optics Magnate hops on a Sea-Doo to escape the Megalomayhem on his luxury yacht only to meet the business end of Megalodon himself gave me so much pleasure- tears rolling down my face pleasure- that I want to figure out a way to get the sequence tattooed on my body. Barring that, I may have it screen printed on a body pillow so I can hug it every night and make out with it when I'm drunk. Incidentally, by "business end" I mean "eating business"...not "do your business business".
Oh, and by the way...the shark roars. Yes, you read that right.
THE SHARK ROARS.
I hate to shock you, but Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is not a good movie. I'm not lying when I say that I absolutely fucking LOVED it, however; nor am I exaggerating when I say it is, without a shred of a doubt, the best bad movie I have ever seen in my whole entire life. I loved it so much that I'm going to ask it to marry me. I loved it so much that I want to invite each and every one of you over to watch it so I can watch you watch it- even if that sounds creepy. I loved it so much that I want to become as rich as The Evil Fiber Optics Magnate so I can buy up zillions of copies of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon and hand them out on street corners.
I give it 10 out of 10 yeah, you read that right- 10 out of 10!s.