FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE...beware yon spoilers!

Apr 29, 2006

Jason, we hardly knew ye...

Bloody-Disgusting reports that the Platinum Dunes-produced Friday the 13th sequel- prequel- remakequel- reimaginequel that was due out later this year has been put on an indefinite hold due to "rights issues". Sigh. Doesn't Jason belong to all of us at this point? Or is it that no man can own Jason? He lives by his own rules and marches to the beat of a very different drummer. He's not a man, he's a force!

How sad...after being hacked up, electrocuted, blown up, shot into space, reborn, sent to hell, spending time as a black-goo-oozing alien penis monster and battling to the end with Freddy Krueger yet still coming back for more, Jason Voorhees may at last be brought down by the US legal system's red tape.

Apr 27, 2006

Monster Mania

I got a heads-up email the other day about It Waits, a monster flick due out on DVD (from Anchor Bay, of course!) May 23. You can check out the film's official site right here.

Ch-ch-check it out, y'all:
It Waits focuses on a tale taken from Native American folklore of a lost Human Being whose vicious resentments fueled an anger so fierce that its soul was banished from the world of the living. What happens when this malevolent spirit returns – can anyone stop its relentless and destructive powers?
Say, "Native American Folklore"...pissed off baddies returning from The Great Beyond...and a monster. What could go wrong? Heh. Yeah, I've said that a zillion times before. But I haven't seen a decent monster movie since Pumpkinhead and I'm all a-itchin' for one. Although that could just be this big yucky rash I have. Or my scabies. Wait...do herpes itch?

Ooh, what's that smell? Is that a future Film Club election I smell? I sure hope so...

Apr 26, 2006

Best giveaway ever...

...because it's blatantly the worst giveaway ever.

If you head over to Pretty/Scary, all you have to do to be a "winner" is send Superheidi an email saying "gimme gimme gimme!" and you'll a receive a copy of Hollow Man 2, starring that fella who no longer has any standards Christian Slater, or the Special Edition release of Gothika, starring that gal whose name rhymes with Pally Merry, Halle Berry. WOW!

I think everyone who's doing the Final Girl Film Club should take advantage of this giveaway. Then, whenever I pick a movie that turns out to be a stinker, you can say to yourself "Well, at least it wasn't as craptacular as that crappy crapfest Crapika (or Hollow Crap). Yay, Film Club!"

**SORRY KIDS, IT SEEMS SUPERHEIDI HAS RUN OUT OF BAD MOVIES TO GIVEAWAY. Shame on your taste, people, SHAME!

That said, someone can have MY copy of Gothika if they want it. It's used (once, dammit) and it's not the Special Edition, so first come, first serve...first email I get wanting it gets it.

And FYI, before anyone rags on MY taste, I picked it up because it came in a 2-pack with The Exorcist Fancy Pants Edition, for sale wicked cheap when Media Play closed it's doors. So there!

** GOTHIKA IS GONE-IKA! YAY!

Apr 25, 2006

ghetto postin'

Look, I'm telling you now that there's really no point to this post. It's ghetto-ass as all get out, so consider yourselves warned. Turn back while you can!

It's just that...I have nothing to say. I didn't watch a movie. The news sites are all dull today. Nothing to promote, no essays spewing forth from my fingers. Just nothing! Yet here I am. It's raining.

So...I'll remind you all about the next Film Club choice, Visiting Hours. I'm going to do a write-up next Monday, May 1st. Apparently a bunch of you have watched it alreaday and the early reports aren't terribly enthusiastic. We'll see about that!

I've been wondering if they're doing a sequel to Silent Hill. Has there been talk of it yet? These things get announced so quickly nowadays it seems. I thought after opening weekend it'd get the greenlight if the idea's already been thrown about.

If they do do a sequel, they should totally set it 5 or so years after the first movie, and send Sean Bean's character into Silent Hill after receiving a letter from Rose, whom he hasn't heard from in the interim (yes, like the plot from the second game). Maybe they could have less of a Parade of the Silent Hill All-Star Bad Guys and have one monster- like, oh, I don't know...Pyramid Head maybe?- stalking Sean Bean throughout. That might give the flick a little more urgency, maybe. Hmm. Oh, and add better dialogue.

Like I said, ghetto post.

Apr 24, 2006

C-Ya! Wouldn't wanna b-ya!

Sometimes I wonder about the people I went to high school with oh so long ago. Friends, classmates, the girl that everybody said diddled herself with a hot dog...I wonder where they are now and what they're doing. Every once in a while, I spend a little time Googling their names to see what I can come up with...often, it's not much. Every once in a while, these people contact ME- I get an email from someone I haven't spoken to in 10 years asking the usual sorts of questions. There's a flurry of catch-up emails over a day or two, then the person disappears into cyberspace and into their new life for another decade. A little curiosity satisfied is good enough to last years.

The 1988 slasher Bad Dreams is like one of those old friends- I liked it well enough in high school to find out how it's doing now. When I found out it was being released on DVD this month, I even said to myself "Bad Dreams on DVD? I haven't seen that in years! Wicked sweet!". The man next to me at the store said "Sorry, what was that?" to which I replied "Mind your own damn beeswax, you nosy bastard!" and went about the rest of my day.

So, how does my long-lost pal stack up after all this time? Well, there was a flurry of activity, and a little curiosity satisfied is good enough to last years.

As a young girl in the 1970s, Cynthia (beautiful...and bad Jennifer Rubin) was a member of the Unity Fields commune/cult/house of dirty, stinky people. One day, Harris (the leader of Unity Fields) decided that an awesome way for them all to come together- man, woman, and child alike- and feel some Universal Love would be to douse themselves with gasoline and light themselves on fire. Death is just another state of being, man...can you dig it? No? Well, neither could Cynthia. As people burned around her, Cynthia had a nagging feeling...a feeling that this was wrong! Cynthia am smart hippy girl! She ends up knocked into a coma...but she survives.

She wakes up 13 years later in a mental hospital. She's forced to join group sessions for people with "borderline personality disorder"- a nice, general umbrella term for suicidal and/or crazy patient types. With that vague description, the group is made up of people like Lana (EG Daily, whom I'm always- always happy to see in a movie, for some reason), who doesn't talk much...Ralph (Dean Cameron), who talks alot and has eyebrows so large it's hard to focus on anything else when he's on-screen... the burnt-out, chain-smoking, triple divorcee Miriam, Gilda the nerd who talks about the "other world", the couple who has weird hang-ups about sex and touching, and so on.

Eventually, Harris begins appearing (sometimes all normal and original recipe, sometimes all gross and extra crispy recipe) in visions Cynthia has, beckoning her to join the rest of her dead hippy friends. She's preventing their souls from the big afterlife orgy or something- they can't rest until she does herself in and moves on up to the dee-luxe commune in the sky. Once again, Cynthia plays it smart and says NO! To punish her, the leader begins picking off the members of her support group in terribly grody ways- people end up in the giant turbine, defenestrated...one dude hacks himself up with a scalpel. The deaths aren't simply cut and dried, however. Is Harris really killing them all? Is Cynthia a homicidal fish out of water out of time? Are these suicidal wackos just killing themselves? Well? Watch it yourself and find out! I'm not gonna walk you through everything, people.

I was a little sad that Bad Dreams turned out to be much more dull than I remember it being. It wasn't a bad way to spend 90 minutes...I mean, there's EG Daily as well as 80s horror mainstays Bruce Abbott (Re-Animator) and Jennifer Rubin. The deaths are actually pretty gruesome and there's alot of gore thrown about. It just...I just didn't really care. Frankly, sad as it make me say, I was a little bored. We got along really well back in the day, but now it seems that Bad Dreams and I have simply grown apart. It happens, man. Eventually I'll forget that fact and I'll get back in touch with the flick in a few years.

Yo Bad Dreams,

Have a nice summer.
Stay sweet and take a chill pill!

Stacie Ponder #1

Apr 22, 2006

lightbulbs

From the "Best Ideas Stacie Never Had and Quite Frankly She's a Little Jealous" department comes Sponsor Our Zombie Movie! on eBay.

Christine Parker, Force of One behind the upcoming indy zombie flick The Forever Dead is seeking sponsorship on eBay, right here. Use the Buy It Now option to donate fabulous moolah in increments of $1. All donor names will be listed in the film's credits, and folks who donate $50 or more get copies of the DVD. Whether you want to see your name on the screen, you want to help out some indy horror filmmakers, or, like myself, you simply live to give...check it out.

For more info on The Forever Dead, go here.



Man, asking for money on eBay is a good idea. It's easy and juuuuust might capture people's attention. Why didn't I think of that?

Other notable ideas from the "Best Ideas Stacie Never Had and Quite Frankly She's a Little Jealous" department:

1. The wheel
2. Fire
3. Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries
4. Sneakers that turn into roller skates with the press of a button
5. Superman
6. Velcro
7. The Spice Girls
8. Pasta
9. Baseball
10. Jazzercise

Apr 21, 2006

untitled


Sweet mother.

That is how you adapt four videogames into a story for the screen.

And that, my friends, is how you make a fucking horror movie.

WARNING: The comments section of this post contains spoilers.

Apr 20, 2006

Are you ready for tomorrow?

If I have any readers left after this post, 'twill be a miracle.

(idea shamelessly pinched from The Retropolitan's Tales to Astonish!, an electro-mag you really should be reading)

Apr 18, 2006

Final Girl Film Club Selection #2

OK, kids, are you ready? It's time to announce the next selection for the Final Girl Film Club! Can you feel the electricity in the air? Can I get a "HELL YEAH!"?

Disclaimer: the movie may suck. I have absolutely zero control over whether or not a movie sucks or whether you think it sucks. I'll try to choose things that at least sound decent, but hey- remember, we live life on the edge here in the FGFC. Ain't no guarantees, son! You pays yer money, you takes yer chances, I always say.

Now...onto this month's choice: It's the 1982 hospital slasher Visiting Hours!

Is that a sweet poster or what? I've always wanted to see this movie based on that poster alone, but somehow I never have. It's being released on DVD today, so the tide is high and the time is right!

And you better believe that if I ever get my Donald Trump on an buy a big office building or something, I'm demanding that the lights be left on every night in a skull-face pattern like that. Every. Night. Fear my building!

If you're not as jazzed about that picture as I am and you're like "Well, OK. But I need more to get really worked up about this movie!", then I present to you some of the names in the cast:

-the awesome tough guy Michael Ironside (Starship Troopers, Scanners, V)
-Linda Purl, aka Matlock's daughter!
-Lee Grant (Damien: Omen II, Airport '77, The Swarm)
-some guy named William muthafuckin' Shatner!

Now, to me, it works out like this:
slasher movie + that cast + that poster + that tagline = awesome movie
I could be wrong, but the math adds up, my friends. And math don't lie!

Here's the page linking you to the movie at Netflix. Here's the plot synopsis, also from Netflix:

After airing an outspoken report on domestic violence, anchorwoman Deborah Ballin (Lee Grant) receives an unexpected visit from a displeased viewer, who takes out his anger by savagely beating her in her own home. Having survived the attack, she's seemingly safe in the hospital with a dedicated nurse (Linda Purl) and her concerned boss (William Shatner) by her side. However, Deborah has no idea that her attacker has come for visiting hours...

Hmm. Heaven IS a place on earth.

The movie: Visiting Hours
The due date: May 1st

Apr 17, 2006

The Monday Dumps

Rainy days and Mondays don't necessarily get me down, but they sure do make me feel lazy. We all know what laziness leads to, right! Link dumps!!

According to Bloody-Disgusting, the casting for Resident Evil: Extinction has been confirmed...which means the movie will actually be happening. Lest you get your hopes up that the series will make an abrupt turn and save itself from ruin, you should know that Paul WS Anderson once again wrote the script, which goes like this: something something Alice something desert something revenge. I know I'll end up seeing this movie because I won't be able to resist the videogame I love-horror movie-Milla triumverate. I actually liked the first Resident Evil in some cheesy way...but the second one? What was that, Apocalyse? Oh, my. That was just...bad/bad. Talk about wasted opportunities! How the filmmakers managed to turn the concept of a city overrun with zombies into something so...zombie-less and boring is beyond me. The Little People vs. Big Evil Corporation subplot is far too convoluted and ill-defined to be effective. I just...eh, like I said...my will is weak, and there's always hope.


Apparently, the official French site for Silent Hill has a scene with Pyramid Head in action! Of course, I'm ignoring all the scenes and clips that have been popping up all over the place in anticipation of Friday. FRIDAY! FRIDAY, PEOPLE! At long last, I can shut my big fat mouth about this movie. It better not suck. Anyway, if you wanna check out the clip, head over to the decidedly French site Silent Hill- Le Film.

Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Marge, Bart, and Lisa were complaining that no one ever listens to them, and Homer came in and said something like "I'm a white male age 18-34. Everyone listens to me!" and he pulls out a can of Nuts n Gum? Well, I believe we've found the cinematic equivalent of Nuts n Gum, folks; I give you StagKnight, wherein horny teens, paintball, and King Arthur come together at last. There's not much up on the site yet, but it seems like this flick will be tongue-in-cheek (I hope) and over the top. I question the tactic of calling your site visitors "losers", though- all the dead links are snarky and insulting. Did these people learn nothing from We Are the World?

Guess what? Tomorrow I'll be announcing the next movie and due date for the Final Girl Film Club! Huzzah, people- huzzah, I say!

Apr 16, 2006

holiday day


Happy Easter, kids, if you're into that kind of thing. I haven't seen Peter Rottentail, but man...those kind of movies are never as good as you want them to be. I mean, they're rarely good/bad- they're usually just bad.

Have a great holiday and eat Cadbury Creme Eggs 'til you puke!

Apr 15, 2006

Apr 13, 2006

I Heart: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

I'd like to start things off with a little Public Service Announcement: Part 2 (of 4) of Hungry Like the Wolf is up today at Nightmare World for your reading pleasure. Read it, dagnabbit!

I'd like to continue things with a disclaimer: I have a fondness for A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) that is so large, I'm not entirely sure anymore if the movie is actually deserving of said fondness. I'm telling you this because my opinion and glowing praise of it is completely wrapped in a gauzy haze of nostalgia-induced love. So if you see NoES 3 on my recommendation and you hate it and find yourself saying "That movie sucked! That Final Girl lied to me! I'm gonna tear her a new one!", well, I simply can't be held responsible. I have disclaimed!

But look at that poster art! Can a movie with poster art that sweet really suck? And can I be a Dream Warrior when I grow up? Pleeeeease?

Most of you probably have seen this bright spot in the Freddy Krueger saga by now, but for those of you who haven't, the premise is simple. Freddy's back, and he's trying to kill off the "last of the Elm Street children"- the children whose parents burned him alive years before. These kids are a rag-tag group of ne'er-do-wells whose suicidal tendencies have landed them in a mental hospital. Lucky for them, one fellow failed suicide, the plucky Kristen (Patricia Arquette), has the ability to pull people into her dreams. Also lucky for them, Nancy (Heather Langenkamp) from the original Elm Street is an intern at the hospital! She leads the charge and the Dream Warriors jump into Kristen's nightmare and head off to "kick the motherfucker's ass all over dreamland". Yay!! Go, Dream Warriors, go! I love you, Dream Warriors!

As I said, I no longer have any idea if NoES3 is actually good or not. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it good/bad? I'm pretty sure it falls into all three categories at once, which in and of itself is quite a feat. There's a few undisputably great moments, but then there's also some moments that are so...so...so cringe-worthy that my cheeks almost burst into flame from embarrassment whilst watching. Let's just break this bad boy down and see what we get, alright?

THE GOOD

- while Nancy's hair is bigger than ever before, it seems she has, at long last, become acquainted with the product known as "conditioner".

- the creepy girl on the tricycle in Kristen's opening dream sequence. While standing in the basement, she says "This is where he takes us" and for a moment you realize and/or remember what a monster Freddy Krueger was. People end up rooting for Freddy with his quips and his creative kills (which is a whole other topic in itself, the "rooting for the bad guy" impulse), but while alive he would take children to a basement and kill them. Treated more seriously, the Nightmare series could have been terrifying.

-the battle with Freddy's re-animated skeleton in the car yard. Yeah, it looks pretty fake and it's pretty silly, but it's just so Ray Harryhausen that I can't help but love it. Fuck CGI, man.

-learning Freddy's origins: the ghost of Amanda Krueger tells how Freddy is "the bastard son of 100 maniacs". That's an awesome layer to add to the character. Treated more seriously, the Nightmare series could have explored the nature of evil.

-the marionette sequence. Freddy pulls long strands of muscles out of a character's four limbs and guides him out of a top-storey window like a puppet. Grody to the max.

-the cast. You've got "Larry" Fishburne as Max, the tough-love orderly; Jennifer Rubin of Bad Dreams as bad girl Taryn; Craig Wasson of Ghost Story as Dr. Gordon, who you know is totally in love with Nancy but won't say it; the always-welcome John Saxon; and as the doctor who just doesn't get it, the lady who also played Pam Ewing's long-lost mother on Dallas...you know I was all over that.

-Kincaid calling Freddy a "burnt-faced pussy". It just makes me laugh.

THE GOOD/BAD

I just decided, I'm not going to call any of this stuff outright bad. It's all sort of embarassing, but I'm calling it all some corny-ass good/bad goodness. So there.

-when the nerd in the Sally Jesse Raphael glasses declares "In my dreams, I am the Wizard Master!" and shoots green bolts out of his fingertips.

-when Taryn declares "In my dreams, I'm beautiful...and bad!" We know she's bad because 1) she busts out her twin switchblades; 2) she sports glitter on her chest; 3) she has a two-foot mohawk thing going on.


-Max calling Kincaid "Cool Breeze". What a delightfully uncool "cool" 80s nickname.

-the fact that Zsa Zsa Gabor is in this movie...it's just...I love it, yet...it's Zsa Zsa Gabor. In a slasher movie. Zsa Zsa. And she gets killed by Freddy Krueger...it...does...not compute. How do I feel right now?

-I'm not a fan of "funny" Freddy, and this is the movie where he starts to become the Henny Youngman of horror: "Get ready for prime time, bitch!" Bleh.

-Nancy's father's ghost floats down to her in a shower of sparkling sparkles. He's like a disco, rock-star ghost from Xanadu or something.

So there you have it, whatever it is. Yep, I heart A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors from the creepy kid at the beginning to Don Dokken's singing "We're the dreeeeam warriors!" over the closing credits and all the corniness in between. That corniness includes, of course, the giant Freddy head/snake thing that almost devours Kristen. But this picture...disturbs me. Patricia Arquette looks like she's actually having a good time, if you know what I mean...and I think you do.

Apr 12, 2006

substitution

All right, I know I said something yesterday about watching a movie and doing a review. But I didn't promise, did I? Well, if I did, I clearly lied. I thought about watching a movie, but instead I went out and spotted Land of the Dead: Road to Fiddler's Green at the videogame store and...let's just say that my eyes currently feel like itty bitty crunchy raisins from playing the game all afternoon.

This game is pretty sweet! It's a first-person shooter that's chock full of zombie-blastin' action. Basically, you're a poor and noble farmer (alright, I'm only assuming the "poor" and "noble" bits...I think it adds a certain pathos to the game, don't you agree?) who suddenly finds himself thrust into a world gone mad! Mad, I tells ya! Mad with the undead! Fighting the evil, hungry hordes, said noble farmer must make his way through the city to Fiddler's Green, which if you've seen Land of the Dead you'll remember Fiddler's Green is Dennis Hopper's haven for the wealthy.

The game puts you in the action almost immediately as you look out of your noble farmhouse window and see a "stranger" standing in your yard. You approach to ask what indeed be the dilly-o and the stranger attacks you! Aye, 'tis a zombie, matey!

Notice how I slide smoothly from street-speak to pirate-speak? I'm a polylingual chameleon. I'm the United Colors of Final Girl. I'm like the wind! I've lost my mind from staring at a video game for hours!

Anyway, what I like about this game so far is that it feels really...real. That might sound silly, but the game captures, to me, what it would really be like to suddenly be thrust in this crazy, zombified situation. In a game like Resident Evil, you basically shoot a zombie or two every once in a while, then go on to solve puzzles. If you're at all skilled in the game, it's not the zombies that usually kill you, but rather the bigger, faster monsters. The zombies in Fiddler's Green pour over walls...they break down doors...and they don't stop coming until you kill them. Apparently as you progress through the game the undead can wield weapons and objects against you- not cool! A few times I tried to simply outrun one or two zombies in an effort to save ammo, only to find 3 more zombies around the corner- shortly thereafter I was but an all-you-can-eat buffet for the bastards. These zombies don't run, but they don't shuffle, either- they're very determined and they shamble along after you at a good clip- sort of like Michael Myers. You know that slasher killer strut I'm talking about...you're running faster than they are, but somehow they catch you anyway. Speaking of running, that's another element of realism here; the farmer may be noble, but he's no athlete. Sprint a little and soon you're out of breath and practically crawling.

Fiddler's Green isn't a moody mindfuck a la Silent Hill- like I said, it's action packed, baby! That's not to say it isn't scary, because it is, albeit in a different way. Anyone who trots out the "Zombies ain't scary 'cause they's all slow n' shit" should 1) learn some proper grammar and 2) lock themselves in a shed with 5 bullets and many zombies beating down the door. That's scary! That's intense! And I like it. I haven't played much so far, but any game that's got me wandering around a cornfield at night while zombies are a-moanin' and a-groanin' all around me is awesome in my book.

And by the way, they're "a-moanin' and a-groanin' " because that's what zombies do- there's not some big zombie cornfield orgy, you sicko.

At least I hope there isn't- like I said, I haven't played much so far. Now where's me eye drops, matey?

Apr 11, 2006

me me me!

I'll have a good post tomorrow, I promise...but not today! I just couldn't leave you all empty-handed though, so I thought I'd tell you a little about my new venture.

Some of you may remember that I used to have another blog- Four Color Girl- that was sort of a showcase for whatever art I was making at the moment. Well, deadlines loomed, I got busy, and days went by without any updates at FCG (as the cool kids called it). Ugh- I hate an un-updated blog, and FCG was just sitting there...neglected an ignored, so one day I unceremoniously pulled the plug. No word of warning, just poof! Gone.

The 6 people who actually visited FCG regularly seemed to enjoy a weekly comic I did called Toosday Toons, a new strip appearing every- wait for it now!- Tuesday. I've resurrected Toosday Toons this week, and started yet another blog where the strip will run weekly (I hope) and where I'll also be posting stuff about my stick figure books and the such. No fancy-schmancy art updates, just sticks. Hence, the blog is called The Sticks. It's only just been born, so be patient, my pets. Check it out if you like, or ignore it if you like. See if I care!

Like I said, I'll do a better post tomorrow (probably a movie review! ooh la la!) when I've got some more time. For now though, to satisfy you visually, here are three things that begin with J and one thing that begins with N.







I'm thinking about starting a borderline-unhealthy obsession with Naomi Watts . I'll let you know how it pans out.

Apr 10, 2006

spoileriffic

There's a link on Ain't It Cool News to a huge behind-the-scenes glimpse into Silent Hill. I guess the segment aired on the Starz network and is all chock full of spoilers and info. I'm not going to watch it for a few reasons:

1. It's apparently an extremely large file (15 minutes worth of footage or something), and I still use a dial-up connection. By the time the file finishes loading, I'll be able to watch Silent Hill on DVD.

2. I know the basic plot of the movie and I've seen some images. That's all I want to know going into this thing. I'm not going to read any early reviews, I'm not going to watch any footage beyond the trailer...I may even stick my fingers in my ears and go "la la laaaa!" all the time just in case anyone within earshot is talking about it. This tactic may also get me a wider berth in the aisles at the grocery store so I may continue to do it even after I've seen the movie.

The movie opens in a little over a week, so I can wait. I think. If you want to download and watch the Silent Hill footage, hey, go for it. In fact, because I care about your wants and needs, here's the article at Ain't It Cool which'll point you in the right direction. Just don't watch and then come back here and tell me all about it or I swear- I will "la la laaaaaa" you in the face!

I know that's a vague threat, but it's a threat nonetheless!

Apr 7, 2006

Coming Attraction

I really, really want to see Hatchet.

Why? Well, it stars horror legends Kane Jason Hodder, Robert Freddy Krueger Englund, and Tony Candyman Todd for starters. Then there's the story. I like it, despite the bad grammar:
Once there was a boy named Victor Crowley. He was born hideously deformed, and sadly, folks weren’t too kind to him. So he spent most of his life hidden in his Daddy’s house out in the bayou.

One Halloween night, the local children came throwing firecrackers at the house to tease and scare him. And the old Crowley house caught fire. When Victor’s Daddy arrived home, the house was in flames. He went to the barn, grabbed himself a hatchet, and started chopping down the front door. But what he didn’t know was that Victor was pressed up against the other side, trying to get out. He hit him square in the face with that hatchet... and poor Victor Crowley died.

The old man went into mourning and became a recluse after that. Never left the house. Never spoke to anyone. He finally passed away about ten years later. And that's when the stories started.

They say people tend to disappear in that swamp. And if you get close enough to the old Crowley house at night you can still hear Victor Crowley.Still roaming in the woods.Still crying for his Daddy.
The film will be premiering at the Tribeca Film Festival later this month- check out the official Hatchet website for more details. Can't wait to get my hands on this one!

This is a boring post. Time to liven things up a bit with a picture of Superfly Jimmy Snuka doing what he does best...being superfly. Here comes the leopard print PAIN!

Apr 6, 2006

The sound of one horn tooting...

Those of you who've been around here a while may remember me talking about my stick-figure zombie comic They Won't Stay Dead!...some of you may have even bought the damn thing. To refresh your memories, it's...umm, a zombie comic done entirely with stick figures and entirely without words, like so:

It also featured such classy scenes as an old lady zombie getting punched in the face, like so:

Well, kids, the stick figures are back and better than ever! I've teamed up, at long last, with my buddy Dirk Manning, proprietor of the awesomely awesome web & print comic Nightmare World to craft a tale about werewolves-stick werewolves!- called Hungry Like the Wolf. Oh yeah, baby. And I don't mean no fancy schmancy David Naughton/American Werewolf in London style lycans with the fingers stretching and the whatnot...I'm talkin' Lon Chaney staring at the camera and slowly getting hairier style lycans, chump. Witness:

Dirk came up with a great, fun story- and who doesn't love drawing little fuzzy stick figure heads? The story is eight pages long, with two pages appearing per week throughout April, beginning today. Go right here and read the first two pages- if you dare!

Hungry Like the Wolf will eventually make its way into print as a flipbook, coupled with another stick figure story by me. It'll be ready for Heroes Con in June where Dirk and I will be appearing together.

Yay! Toot!

Apr 5, 2006

Daily Dose

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly any more amped for the April 21 release of Silent Hill, I find a set visit and huge interviews with the cast and director Christophe Gans over at Bloody-Disgusting (follow link for articles). Holy crud! I haven't been this excited about a movie coming out since Forget Paris! *

It's heartening to know that Gans spent 5 years developing SH with the screenwriters and viedo game company Konami. It's heartening to know that Silent Hill 2 is his favorite game of all time. It's heartening to know this movie will be rated R. It's heartening to know that eventually- soon, even- this movie will come out and I can stop thinking about it. I feel like a stalker, somehow. It's all got to stop before I end up standing outside of Silent Hill's house holding a boombox up over my head, wooing it with old Peter Gabriel songs.

This tidbit from the set visit has me drooling in my Cocoa Puffs, though: there's a scene in which Rose (Radha Mitchell) is searching for her lost daughter in the hospital...
At this point, she must walk through the nurses undetected…in a pitch black environment no less. She cannot turn on her flashlight. It attracts these zombified nurses.
Oooh, baby! I am so there. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to dig out my copy of So on cassette.


*I have never seen Forget Paris. In fact, I try to avoid romantic comedies at all costs, despite the fact that they're, you know, 'chick flicks' and I am, in all honesty, a 'chick'. As a rule, I also avoid movies with Billy Crystal, although I have met him before and he was an OK guy. Please note, as well, that the term 'chick flick' makes me want to punch people, as does the term 'chick lit'. I do, however, enjoy a 'Chiclet' from time to time.

Apr 4, 2006

The Weakening

I don't know about you, but while growing up I spent most Saturday mornings plunked in front of the TV watching cartoons. I'd get up wicked early and, as a child of the late-70s/early-80s, I'd enjoy such classic shows as Super Friends, Scooby-Doo, Hong Kong Fooey, and Josie and the Pussycats (my absolute favorite, whether they were rocking out here or deep in outer space). I'd go out and play, come back inside for Channel 56's Creature Double Feature or Kung Fu Theatre, then head back outside to play. Ah, yes, the good ol' days.

Say what you will, but my love of Saturday mornings has never faded. Not too long ago, one could still partake in the joys of lazy weekend cartoon watching, courtesy of shows like Jackie Chan Adventures, X-Men Evolution, Pepper Ann, and yes, even Pokemon. Sorry to disappoint you, but yeah, I watched Pokemon. Jigglypuff never failed to amuse my simple mind.

I live in a cable-less household, so we rely on regular old network TV to provide. In the last couple of years, though, I've noticed a startling trend: cartoons on Saturday morning are all but obsolete. What's taken their place? Kid's versions of adult shows. There's a kid version of Lost, of Survivor, of Trading fucking Spaces. While I'm a cartoon fan (excuse me, should I say "animation"? Will that give me more cred?), I do realize that Saturday morning TV is no longer my domain- I'm far beyond the target demographic. Maybe kids want their own version of Lost, I don't know. Children are a mystery to me, whilst I do believe that they are the future.

Where am I going with all this, how does it relate to horror movies, and have I lost mind? You may be asking yourself these questions. Well, I'll tell ya. You may have all heard about this by now, but Fox Searchlight has a new division: Fox Atomic. This is the teen division, and they hope to release movies in lots of different genres that will appeal to the younger set. You can read a blurb about it here, at Movie Web.

One of their first releases will be a follow up to the 2002 are they really zombies? I don't care because it's a really good movie anyway hit 28 Days Later. Titled 28 Weeks Later, the film will be a PG-13 production from a company aiming at the teen market. I'll let that sink in for a moment.


I love the idea of horror tailor-made for kids; I sucked that kind of thing up when I was a wee bonny lass. I'm just a bit taken aback- and yes, very very disappointed- that the sequel to one of the best horror movies to come out in recent years (one of Brennon's Beacons of Hope, even) is going to be a PG-13, Goosebumps-o-tized effort. Sigh.

Apr 3, 2006

Film Club: Bloody Murder

Here we are after our 1st cyber-globa-inter-electro-video viewing jam! Cannn yoouuuu dig itttt? Do you guys feel even half as Hands Across America as I do? Because I just gotta say, the idea of all of us watching a movie sort of all together-like...even if said movie had as much suckage as this first choice did (and boy, did it)...the idea of it just rocks, baby!

After demanding that you all watch 2000's Bloody Murder if you want to be considered a cool kid, well...you're all still talking to me right? I mean, I'm not Miss Cleo. I'd been warned, sure...there was the whole so-called "two" "star" rating from Netflix. I know, I know...I gave Netflix the so-called "two" "middle" "fingers" and just had to see for myself, and I dragged you all with me. It was brutal, but don't you all kinda feel like...I don't know, like we did a tour of duty together or something?

Alright, yes, onto Bloody Murder. This movie had such a convoluted fucking plot, I found myself going "Huh?" and "But wha--" and "Why'd the--" and "That doesn't make--" and "Where are my pants?" over and over again throughout it. Supposedly, the plot goes something like this:

Some counselors head to Camp Placid Pines to get things ready for the summer session. Some dude named Trevor Moorehouse lives in the woods surrounding the camp and kills people.

If the plot had been that simple, we could all throw rotting fruit at it and yell "You piece of shit Friday the 13th ripoff! Get outta here before we tar-n-feather ya!". The thing is, however, you can't even call this movie a Friday rip-off because that's really not the plot of the movie at all, is it? There's a hockey mask and a summer camp, and that's about as close as it gets. I don't even know if Trevor Moorhouse shows up in this fucking movie, honestly. Everyone keeps mentioning his name and saying things like "Look out for Trevor Moorhouse!", but we never find out what the big deal is about this dude. There's no legend! There's no proof he exists or existed! No one has died until now! Except for that one counselor a long time ago, but wasn't he killed by other counselors or something while playing hide and seek? Oh, excuse me, while playing "bloody murder"? I have no idea! See what I mean? This movie made me feel like I'm living in a cuckoo clock.

And while I'm on the subject of this so-called "Trevor" "Moorehouse"...what's the deal? The only thing we really heard about him was that he lived in the woods and had a chainsaw instead of a left hand. Well, anytime someone was wielding a chainsaw, he was clearly using both hands. Even the dude on the movie box is using both hands! I'm just so, so confused. Some other things that confused me:

--the car that ran out of gas at the film's beginning. The car was empty despite the fact that he "filled it up 20 miles ago"? Does the car only hold a half a gallon of gas, or does it only get 7 feet to the gallon?

--what the fuck was with the brown stain on the seat of the killer's pants throught the proceedings?

Bloody Murder was far too non-sensical for it to cross over the line into the wonderful world of the good/bad movie; no, my friends, this movie is firmly entrenched in the realm of bad/bad. I must say, though, after sitting through it and ruminating upon it, I could really only think of 5 things that were really wrong with it:

1. The plot
2. The dialogue
3. The acting
4. The directing
5. The fact that it was a horror movie, yet it was never, ever even a little bit scary.

Otherwise, I think it was fanmotherfuckingtastic, don't you agree?

One of the characters in this movie waxed philosophical whilst smoking one of her so-called "Guam" "Cigarettes", saying "Misery comes in lots of different forms". My, how right she was! I'd say with confidence that one form of misery is having to sit through Bloody Murder. You know what they say about misery loving company, though...and even though we suffered together, I'm glad you guys were with me. Let's get matching tattoos! Semper fi!

If you joined in the fun, be sure to say what you've gotta say...and if you wrote about Bloody Murder on your own website, don't forget to post a link in the comments!

Apr 2, 2006

subtlety

For most people, life is difficult and rarely fair. You muddle through, just doing the best you can. You do your job, you pay your bills, you find enjoyment wherever you can. How sad that after years of struggle, after years of spent fighting the good fight, one can end up leaving behind one's head in the toilet after shuffling off this mortal coil.

NIGHT SCHOOL


THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW


CURTAINS


The Curtains pic is courtesy of Bleeding Skull, an awesome site about "spooky trash from beyond the grave" you should be checking out if you aren't already.

Apr 1, 2006

addendum: a letter

Dear Hollywood,

Look, before I get into it, I'd just like to say that yes, I'm awfully hard on you sometimes when it comes to the horror movies you put out. It's just...well, do you have to be so obsessed with money? Yeah, we'd all like to be rich, but when a rare good idea comes along all you see are dollar signs- and you know what happens next? You try to recreate that one good idea over and over and over again to cash in on it. You water-down everything that made that idea so good in the first place rather than coming up with NEW good ideas. You take our money, you treat us like idiots, and then...well, the middle fingers start flying. I lose faith in you. We all lose faith in you because it's obvious that we're just big, walking wallets to you. Why you gotta be dat way, Hollywood? Hmm? We keep coming back for more, so obviously we all want to like you. No matter how many times you kick us in the face with another tired retread or remake, we still show up in the theatres. To you, that must mean "we've got their money, let's just feed 'em crap!", right? I'm sorry, but that's the way you make me feel, whether you intended to or not- and that's why I'm so hard on you. I know there's some nuggets of good hidden away in there under all the crap. No matter how little, I've still got faith. You just keep taking advantage of me, though...I feel used up, H. Used up!

In an effort to offer you something constructive instead of just hollow bitching, I'm offering you this idea I had last night. Free of charge, it's all yours! It's a little unconventional, but I think if you're willing to hear me out, you might think it's original enough that it could ignite a slow-burn amongst audiences and then you'll jump. On the surface, it's not really that original of an idea at all. The big picture isn't necessarily groundbreaking, but the little touches will show that you're not just a big money-grabbing hungry hungy hippo, Hollywood. Listen to the wise words of En Vogue, H-Wood; free your mind, and the rest will follow.

It's this simple: I want a sequel to April Fool's Day. Knowing the latest trends, there's already one in the works somewhere that will pale in comparison to the original- you'll drop in the latest faces from Tiger Beat and make a silly movie that everyone hates. PG-13, am I right? Or will you just remake the original movie and water it down to begin with? OK, maybe I'm judging too harshly and quickly, but that's what you've reduced me to! See why I'm bitter?

When I say "I want a sequel", I mean I want a true, honest-to-goodness sequel to the original movie. With the same characters, with the same actors. They're still around. They still look great. They might be willing. I want Deborah Foreman, I want Amy Steel, I want Clayton Rohner, I want Deborah Goodrich...I want them all. It's been 20 years- where are these characters now? Are you telling me that Muffy St John isn't a character worth revisiting 20 years down the road? She was a little crazy, you know. Does she really host murder mysteries every weekend? Or what about Nan, who really fucking flipped out when she was subjected to the reminder about her abortion? Maybe she really lost it that weekend and is a total kookadook now, who knows.

The plot, well, you've got options. Maybe the friends reunite at Muffy's estate for the weekend. Maybe they bring their families and kids. Maybe people start to die for real this time. You don't need to have some big fancy twist at the end- just make a well-written slasher movie with good characters. Trust me, that'll be refreshing enough. You did it in 1986, surely you can do it now.

Why not bring back Fred Walton, the director, while you're at it? He did a great job with April Fool's Day, and When A Stranger Calls, his first film...well, you tried to re-hash that one recently and it didn't work, right? Everyone knows the famous "the call is coming from within the house!" bit, but you know something? The first half hour or so of When A Stranger Calls is a perfect horror movie. Watch it again, forget what you already know about it, and you'll see what I mean. Fred Walton knows what he's doing, so let him do it.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking- "Reunite these people?! But...but...they're all over 40! Gasp! Who wants to see that?!"...well, alot of people might want to, Hollywood. People don't stop liking horror movies when they turn 22, you know. Some horror fans who're over 40 might enjoy being able to identify with characters on-screen for once. We don't all want to watch teenagers all the time. But if these characters have kids, well, they'd be teenagers, right? You could work some in for the younger crowd and everyone would be happy.

April Fool's Day 2 could be smart. You need something smart right now, because you're at the low, dumb end of the current horror cycle. You'd show that you're not just after teenager babysitting money. You'd show that good actors over 35 can still get roles- especially the women. C'mon, Hollywood- take a chance. It's redemption time, and it just might work.

I've still got faith in you.

Hugz-n-stuff,

Stacie (your secret #1 fan)