One of my favorite things about the '80s- probably falling somewhere between my love of Garbage Pail Kids and my love for my glow-in-the-dark Creature From the Black Lagoon action figure- was the resurgence of the 3-D movie. I've got many a fond memory of sitting in front of the TV or at the drive-in, looking like a total dork in those red and blue glasses, clapping with simple-minded glee at the three-dimensional antics of, say, Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th Part 3-D. Many of these films, like Amityville 3-D, are available today on DVD. The titles have dropped the "D" from "3D", and watching the films in 3D isn't really an option anymore. This fact makes for some bizarre sequences: for example, someone onscreen will say "Would you like a HOT DOG?" and then they'll thrust a hot dog at the screen for 10 seconds. In the film's original format, this magic would leave audiences oohing and aahing. Today, sans magic, this leaves the audience saying "Alright already, get that fucking hot dog out of my face".
Sadly, I never got to see Jaws 3 (1983) in all its three-dimensional glory. Watching it now and seeing what coulda been is a bit like going to the prom the morning after it's over. The fallen streamers, the empty Boone's Farm bottles, and the discarded panties in the corner make you think "Damn. I really missed out on a good time! Stupid psoriasis flareup!". Then you remember that proms suck no matter what and you feel better- or you watch Jaws 3 and realize that even if it had been shown in 50-D format, it would still suck.
Jaws 3 takes place at Sea World, where Sheriff Brody's son Mike has grown up into Dennis Quaid. Mike is in charge of the facilities at Sea World, which is due to open to the public shortly. The attraction will feature a whole bunch of underwater hubs in a man-made lagoon, so tourists can experience sea life up close. Mike's girlfriend Kathryn (Bess Armstrong) is the chief biologist at Sea World, and everything is going swimmingly. HA HA HA.
You know, I can't be bothered to give a detailed plot synopsis. This movie was so fucking lame and boring that we'll all feel better if I just denote some highlights...if you can call them that.
- Back to the Future fans will THRILL to Lea Thompson's astounding performance as a park water-skier
- Dennis Quaid sweats A LOT in this movie
- Shockingly, the underground water park is fake. Not that you can really tell by these dazzling effects:
- When the shark is supposed to be on the 'attack', the footage of it swimming leisurely is simply sped up
- The movie ends on a freeze-frame of jumping, twirling dolphins
- The big dramatic sequence in the film has the shark VERRRRRRY SLOWWWWWLY charging the underwater Sea World control center. No, really- you have no idea how slow it was. If you scroll down the following photos, the sequence will happen faster than it did in the movie.
If you're in the mood for some shark action, skip Jaws 3 altogether. I suggest heading in one cinematic direction and opting for the original Jaws, or heading in the other direction and opting for Shark Attack 3. I honestly feel I could have made a better shark movie than Jaws 3 with some tub toys. Don't just take my word for it, though...what would you like to say to Jaws 3, Charles Nelson Reilly?