FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Apr 18, 2007

Animals Run Amok Week 2: Day 3

One of my favorite things about the '80s- probably falling somewhere between my love of Garbage Pail Kids and my love for my glow-in-the-dark Creature From the Black Lagoon action figure- was the resurgence of the 3-D movie. I've got many a fond memory of sitting in front of the TV or at the drive-in, looking like a total dork in those red and blue glasses, clapping with simple-minded glee at the three-dimensional antics of, say, Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th Part 3-D. Many of these films, like Amityville 3-D, are available today on DVD. The titles have dropped the "D" from "3D", and watching the films in 3D isn't really an option anymore. This fact makes for some bizarre sequences: for example, someone onscreen will say "Would you like a HOT DOG?" and then they'll thrust a hot dog at the screen for 10 seconds. In the film's original format, this magic would leave audiences oohing and aahing. Today, sans magic, this leaves the audience saying "Alright already, get that fucking hot dog out of my face".

Sadly, I never got to see Jaws 3 (1983) in all its three-dimensional glory. Watching it now and seeing what coulda been is a bit like going to the prom the morning after it's over. The fallen streamers, the empty Boone's Farm bottles, and the discarded panties in the corner make you think "Damn. I really missed out on a good time! Stupid psoriasis flareup!". Then you remember that proms suck no matter what and you feel better- or you watch Jaws 3 and realize that even if it had been shown in 50-D format, it would still suck.

Jaws 3 takes place at Sea World, where Sheriff Brody's son Mike has grown up into Dennis Quaid. Mike is in charge of the facilities at Sea World, which is due to open to the public shortly. The attraction will feature a whole bunch of underwater hubs in a man-made lagoon, so tourists can experience sea life up close. Mike's girlfriend Kathryn (Bess Armstrong) is the chief biologist at Sea World, and everything is going swimmingly. HA HA HA.

You know, I can't be bothered to give a detailed plot synopsis. This movie was so fucking lame and boring that we'll all feel better if I just denote some highlights...if you can call them that.

- Back to the Future fans will THRILL to Lea Thompson's astounding performance as a park water-skier
- Dennis Quaid sweats A LOT in this movie
- Shockingly, the underground water park is fake. Not that you can really tell by these dazzling effects:

- When the shark is supposed to be on the 'attack', the footage of it swimming leisurely is simply sped up
- The movie ends on a freeze-frame of jumping, twirling dolphins
- The big dramatic sequence in the film has the shark VERRRRRRY SLOWWWWWLY charging the underwater Sea World control center. No, really- you have no idea how slow it was. If you scroll down the following photos, the sequence will happen faster than it did in the movie.










If you're in the mood for some shark action, skip Jaws 3 altogether. I suggest heading in one cinematic direction and opting for the original Jaws, or heading in the other direction and opting for Shark Attack 3. I honestly feel I could have made a better shark movie than Jaws 3 with some tub toys. Don't just take my word for it, though...what would you like to say to Jaws 3, Charles Nelson Reilly?

14 comments:

Theron said...

Truly one of the bad movies...not the good bad kind - the BAD bad kind.

But, mmmm, Boone's Farm. My girlfriend liked the strawberry flavor - those were the days...

Adam Ross said...

I've always wanted to ask a shark expert about the ending: if a scuba diver was "stuck" in a shark's "throat" wouldn't the shark have some kind of major problem with that, like enough to take a break from killing other scuba divers for a couple minutes?

Jaws III is obviously the worst Jaws movie, but in Jaws: The Revenge you have to look at Lorraine Gray, which is probably worse than all the "special" effects in III.

Bill Walsh said...

3D CNR! YES!

Jesse Hammer said...

Man, I LOVE the glow-in-the-dark Universal Monster figures. I still have all of them. They are the coolest.

Burger King had a Universal Monsters kid meal about 10 years ago that had wicked cool figures that came with glow-in-the-dark stickers.

Jesse Hammer said...

When did they change the Blogger procedure, by the way? I thought I was losing my mind.

Anonymous said...

I had the displeasure of viewing this steaming heap in the theater back in ’83. Not even our trusty sneak-a-toke and relishing Bess Armstrong in 3D magnificence helped the cause. It blew on the big screen in 3D—can’t imagine enduring it on the small screen in heart stopping NO-D. Rub salt in your eyes oppressive filmmaking.

-Robert

Amanda By Night said...

Wow, where's the love.

I do like this movie quite a bit. I think it's fun and yeah, I saw it in 3-D when I was all of 12 or 13 and it fucking rocked. It rocked hard. Watching Manimal in the clutches of that CRAZY killer shark was a blast.

I also have a special system that can play 3D films in 3D (with the right DVDs, of course) and this is one of the ones we bought. I do love it so.

Chuckwilson said...

You know, a few months ago I had a Jaws marathon and fell asleep in the middle of this one. I always wanted to see Friday 3 in 3-D. Oh how I've longed to see that hot poker and that eye come crashing in at me!

CRwM said...

For even more unlikely shark-in-a-waterpark wackiness, find a copy of the Jaws: Unleashed (are sharks ever leashed?) videogame. If features a level based very loosely on Jaws III. The level closes with shark vs. killer whale carnage.

mina said...

I saw it when it hit theaters, too, and at the time... it wasn't so bad. I actually enjoyed it. Still enjoy it! Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Lea Thompson, Mr. Simon Manimal McCorkindale, Louis Gossett, Jr. - and a whole lot of cheese. Mmm Mmm good.

The one movie to stay away from: Jaws: The Revenge.

Mr Shrubber said...

Thar she blows!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzJxRuhtQhs

Stacie Ponder said...

AWESOME! Thanks, Mr. Shrubber.

I love the way the shark just STOPS when it hits the glass, even though it breaks THROUGH the glass. And those fake organs...

what a shitty movie.

rural juror said...

I gott say...the best part is when the front of the little submarine disappears because of bad special effects

TheHeretic said...

I'm simply disappointed that Stacie hasn't taken time out of her busy schedule to have a gander at the grandeur that is Jaws: The Revenge.

Simply put, what the hell is "cow tipping" and how did the shark organise it to force an errant Brody onto the waters of doom?