FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE...beware yon spoilers!

May 9, 2007

It's the new haiku review...

...coming right at you!

The most remarkable thing about Incubus (2005) is that it premiered on AOL as the first direct-to-download film. Insomuch as Incubus broke new ground with its release format, I thought it only fitting to break new ground here at Final Girl with the review.

INCUBUS

Two crazy doctors-
one is chasing, one hiding.
They kill each other!

A car accident
strands Tara Reid and her friends
deep in the mountains.

They all bitch about
the cold, and one is wearing
five hundred dollar

boots- but they are all
going camping, so why aren't
they better prepared?

A weird hospital
not on the map will be their
shelter from the cold.

Ten minutes in and
this movie makes no damn sense.
I start to notice

that Tara Reid is
beige. Everything is beige:
skin, hair, eyes. Jaundice?

They find a pink man
sitting comatose inside
a big glass cube thing.

He has tubes sticking
out of his skin keeping him
alive. The kids then

pull all the tubes out
but he doesn't die. Awake,
o pink man, awake!

He controls them with
the powers of his pink mind.
Tara Reid and friends

kill each other dead,
just like those crazy doctors.
Run, Tara Reid, run!

Nonsensical is
this movie. People can talk
with their tongues cut out.

A boy doesn't seem
to care when he has to kill
his girlfriend. They use

their flashlights though the
lights are on. Tara Reid learns
about the pink man,

the hospital, and
everything in about
two minutes. She's smart!

And still very beige.
"You scared the shit out of me!"
they say fifty times

But I don't seem to
be scared at all. However,
I am very bored.

They run between the
same two locations over
and over again.

The acting is bad,
the script is even worse, yo.
It's all a big mess.

I'd rather stick tubes
up my nose and in my eyes
than watch this again.

Like a pink man or
a beige actress, my mind feels
soft, squishy, and dull.

Oh, Incubus, you
had some potential, but you
blew it big time. Suck!


14 comments:

Amanda By Night said...

HA!

You was a poet and didn't even know it!

Awesome. This movie DOES blow, big time!

John said...

Very nice!

I applaud the effort, not only in creating the poem, but in sitting through the movie.

John said...

Also, damn you for getting the New Zoo Revue theme stuck in my head.

Bill Walsh said...

Between you and the Northeast Wisconsin Zoo (which calls itself the NEW Zoo), I'm never getting that song out of my head. Awesome work, Stacie.

Although, frankly, I was insanely disappointed that this wasn't the 1965 William Shatner Incubus which was, as you surely know, filmed in... Esperanto! Shatnerific synthetic-language horror! Woo!

Sad man said...

Hilarious and thought-provoking (I'm thinking I will not see INCUBUS). That last cap of Tara Reid looking 'evil' is brilliant.

BTW Stacie, if you didn't see it. I posted a link to the upcoming THE LONG WEEKEND remake in your previous post.

Stacie Ponder said...

Ah ha ha haaaaaaa! I hope it's stuck in ALL of your heads, as it has been in mine for HOURS AND HOURS! It might be a little more tolerable if I could remember more of the song than that one damn line!

Sorry to get your hopes up, Bill...the original Incubus has never made its way into my house. How I've consistently avoided it, I have no idea!

Yeah, isn't that last shot hilar? She's so evil and scary! Awesome.

And yes, I saw the link...sorry, I forgot to comment. Odd choice for a remake, I think. Though seeing as it's going to be made by the dude who brought the world Valentine, I'm sure it will be as keen and subtle an examination of a marriage falling apart as the original. It will positively be dripping with atmosphere and dread!

Ahem.

Goose said...

Love the poem, wont see the movie.

cattleworks said...

Haiku?
Cool!
Edgy horror blog expression!
And a blatant opportunity for me to self-promote MY blog! BLATANT!
Well, a specific post:

http://cattleworks.livejournal.com/7231.html#cutid1

These are horror haiku entries I wrote for this horror haiku contest that CRwM had going on HIS blog.

Meanwhile, the only INCUBUS I knew was the William Shatner one, too, so I was completely disoriented seeing pictures of Tara Reid...
what the heck..!

Theron said...

Now that, my friend, is writing...

How else to review an irritating movie than with the most irritating style of poetry - Genius

Mariana said...

Hi, Stacie! I'd like to suggest Jack for your ridiculous faces of death feature. He even goes cross-eyed!

http://www.orizzontikubrickiani.it/images/shining_gelato.jpg

Molly Jane said...

I love your mad poetry skills, but could you please make Ms. Reid's face go away. I'm ready for a new posty.

Stacie Ponder said...

Sorry it took so long, kids...I FINALLY managed to overcome my ennui (and lay off the Spider-Man 3 videogame for a while) enough to post!

eillio said...

i liked your haiku, i didn't really care for this film. it dragged in too many spots, and its another one of those "trying to be a bit of everything, ending up as nothing". bless you, the movie channel at 3a.m.

eillio said...

i forgot: i also like the band, but not this movie. wow, i always wanted to watch tara reid dreming of her period.