FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Aug 26, 2009

Babies are evil and being pregnant is weird!


That post title is the sentiment behind my newest AMC column. Mind you now, I'm not the one I speak of who's pregnant- the friend is not a "friend", nosiree. Still, I've seen enough baby & pregnancy-related horror flicks to know that the entire idea of having babies is wrong wrong wrong. Once that parasite starts leeching (which is immediate), the whole 'miracle of life' thing simply no longer applies as far as I'm concerned.

If you're into it, though, that's cool and more power to ya. I'm glad my mom was into it, otherwise I wouldn't have been made...and then where would the world be? Surely everything would be a little less elegant.

I blame it all on this poster, which I saw hanging outside the long-gone movie theater that stood next to the long-gone Barker's department store. I was with my mom, and I was only very, very, very small, but this shit gave me some serious nightmares. Therefore, we can all blame the fact that my bloodline will NOT continue on one Mr. Larry Cohen.

Well, blame or give thanks. Whatevs.

14 comments:

delicreep said...

Prior to birth, the fetus is a symbiote, as it needs the host to live.

Once outside, the infant becomes a parasite. On the outside, it devours the energy, sanity, time and financial resources of its host. Unlike a normal parasite (flea, mosquito, etc.), the infant can drain from more than one host at the same time. Though not as empirically obvious as the above list, an infant can also drain one's youth.

And, yes, I have an infant son. Why do you ask? You probably want to see pictures! (reaches for a stack of DVD-R's) I have movies too! Here's his first poop! Wait...his second, too! A Third! Poop in his hair! In my hair! On the walls! Floor! The cats! Poop on his poop!

Poop! Pooooop! poopashoopaloopaaaaaarrgh!! *thud*

B.E. Earl said...

I had a long conversation with a friend of mine this weekend about the old teasers vs the current trailers for films.

This was the movie I used as an example for the old teasers. I'm old enough to remember when it came out (I was a wee child), and the commercial didn't show anything from the film except that baby carriage and the claw popping out of it.

It was mucho effectivo!

Planet of Terror said...

I LOVE this movie. Weird, we just posted a review yesterday *shameless plug*

http://planetofterror.blogspot.com/2009/08/its-alive-1973.html

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

Rosemary's Baby scarred me. Probably should've waited until I was ten or so to watch. Babies are a bottomless pit of terror.

Xtian said...

You totally forgot about the zombie baby in Peter Jackson's DEAD ALIVE... plus that other scene where the main guy end up inside his mother's dead vagina & given birth once again, sick!

Prospero said...

I just posted the trailer for the re-make, after having refernced the original just a day or two before. This movie seems to be on everyone's minds lately. I blame the economy...

Prospero said...

P.S. - I have to disagree with delicreep. By defination, a symbiot and its host provide each other with mutually beneficial nutrients or other helpful things, like the bacteria in your intestinal tract. A prenatal baby is a parasite from the beginning, drawing nutrients from its host and providing said host with only moodswings, backaches, heartburn,swollen ankles, nausea and the constant need to pee in return. How is that mutually beneficial?

delicreep said...

Prospero,

Don't forget the possibility of blood poisoning, the inability to safely take many helpful medications, and poop.

But, you are most likely correct that the fetus is a parasite.

João Paulo said...

Stacie, if someday you come to Brasil I'll invite you for some beers!

Anonymous said...

Wow you people have some serious issue, I think from day one to the end babies are beautiful, and I have looked at many pictures of Zygoats and fetuses, and yes im pregnant.

I havent had any of the horrible symptoms you guys have described except peeing every five seconds but thats probably because I have a small bladder.

>.> FYI if you call a baby a parasite before and after birth then you are basically calling yourselves parasites, the entire human and animal race, thus you should probably terminate yourself as soon as possible. God forbid you suck up all the money and love in the world with your parasitic-ness. -.- Freaking idiots I sware.

delicreep said...

Perhaps after you give birth, anon, you might be a smidge less hormonal, and will realize that you JUST MIGHT have overreacted a tiny bit to the completely harmless joshing around that went on in this thread.

And, congratulations on your pregnancy. I love being a parent. Hope you have a blast, as I am.

bdk71 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
bdk71 said...

Which " long-gone Barker's department store " would you be referring to?? Thanks...

Stacie Ponder said...

Waterford, CT!