FINAL GIRL explores the slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s...and all the other horror movies I feel like talking about, too. This is life on the EDGE, so beware yon spoilers!

Oct 28, 2009

Day 28: "He's hunting us."

Okay kids, I'm going to try something a little different for today's film, Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead. I'm gonna do a sort of live blog, just kind of typing my thoughts as they happen whilst I watch the movie. It'll be a bullet pointstravaganza that's so in the moment you'll feel as if you're right here with me gettin' yer deformed backwoods cannibal on. Won't that be neat? Yes, it will.

Now, I haven't heard good things about this film. As you may or may not know (or care), I'm a fan of the original film...don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I'm not a fan of the second one. Such is life. I'm inclined to think that the series probably should have ended after two films at most, but who knows? Perhaps I'm about to dig in to one surprisingly awesome movie. If the cover is any indication, then the series is really getting back to its roots- you know, a brunette in a tank top and all that (I mean, really??). Anyway, enough intro. Time to hit play!

Oh yes...there will be spoilers.
  • Wow, this opens with some ragin' water kayaking. How very The Descent!
  • The woman get topless and smoke a joint while the men look for firewood. The acting (and dialogue) are so atrocious, I can only hope they get killed quickly...and they do! Or at least titso does...arrow through the breast and through the eyeball.
  • There's the archer cannibal dude, munching on said eyeball. Wow...that looks like a latex mask. And there goes the last remaining shred of mystique the Wrong Turn killers had...
  • Holy shit, the picture is pixelated something bad...hopefully that's just because I'm watching a screener copy.
  • Okay, the sliced-n-slowly-fall-apart death is in effect, and it's truly some of the worst CGI I've seen in a while. Stan Winston is flipping this shit off from heaven.
  • Not even seven minutes in. This does not bode well.
  • Aaaaaaaand we're at a prison. It seems that the hispanics and the caucasians do not get along.
  • So there's going to be some sort of a prisoner transfer...I'm guessing that the bus is going to crash or get hijacked or something something, resulting in a WRONG TURN into Cannibal Country. Let's see how my prediction pans out.
  • Oh. My. God. The driving in the bus sequence is some seriously...it's not even greenscreen. It's like...car driving shit from the old days- sitting in a fake car while a moving road is projected on a screen behind them. OH. MY. GOD. What the fuck was the budget on this? 50 cents and a pack of gum?
  • Ugnnnnnn backlot.....
  • Wow, no signal on the cell phone. Shocking.
  • Okay, yup, the bus is getting run off the road by a truck driven by the cannibals. Mmm hmm.
  • Everyone's out of the bus...oh no, now the prisoners are in charge! This is such an unexpected turn of events. They'll get theirs, I'm sure- hopefully soon. Probably in shocking ways, like a sudden arrow through the face or some such.
  • The bus exploded...is it just me, or are explosions in movies rarely exciting?
  • Annnnnd tank top just came running out of the woods. Yeah, right into the mass of hardened prisoners who, uh, haven't seen a woman in a while. She'd be better off with the cannibals.
  • Oh, she's a bad actress. Eliza Dushku, where are you? We desperately need your two facial expressions!
  • I hate all of these people. I can't wait for them to die. This doesn't make for a pleasurable viewing experience, especially when all they do is blah blah blah. It's blah blah blah but it's not character development, which would be fine...instead, it's just people yelling at each other. Wheeeee!
  • Cannibal child was lying in wait underneath some leaves...just in case someone happened to wander by this neck of the woods, I guess.
  • Ooh, the prisoners are slowly killing the cannibal child. Who are the monsters now? WHOOOOO?
  • Another sliced-n-slowly-fall-apart death? Okay, it's just the face, but still. Merrrr.
  • I guess it's just the one cannibal in this flick (aside from the child). It's one of the original dudes...Snaggleface? Three-toe? One Eye? T-Boz? I don't know...one of 'em.
  • Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. 50 minutes in.
  • Boy, with all the woods to walk around in, people always manage to walk right into traps. Weird.
  • Okay, days 29, 30, and 31 better blow my fucking mind, lest SHOCKTOBER die a horrible death. It's not supposed to be this way!
  • This movie is nothing but jerks running through the woods at night. There's no suspense, there's no atmosphere, there are no scares...sheesh. Please excuse me- I'm going to zone out now and think back to the original film...specifically, the scene in the house, where the kids are exploring and then the cannibals come home and they all have to hide and be quiet and the cannibals start eating one of their friends and they're forced to watch...yeah...zoning....zooooooo...ninnnnnng....
  • Oh dear lord, she's such a bad actress.
  • I wonder if that's a deliberate homage to Cannibal Holocaust.
  • How many shells can a pump action shotgun hold?
  • Annnnd the cannibal has kidnapped the girl. Scream scream, drag drag, lick lick, eww eww.
  • Gosh, can't have a horror movie without an eeeevil house with a room made just for torturin' nudies!
  • So many instances of characters punching each other where the fist is clearly kept about 18 inches away from the face.
  • Well, there's lots of blood, I'll say that much.
  • Wow, it's surprisingly easy to take off the top of someone's skull.
  • Gosh, I guess the bad guy is dead...with ten minutes left...
  • OH. MY. GOD. Really? REALLY??? So the heroes drive off in a truck (more bad car effects)...then a few miles away from the house the cannibal is STANDING IN THE ROAD?? This is not possible. THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE. NOT POSSIBLE. FOR MANY REASONS. And he jumps on the speeding truck? And there's atrocious CGI?
  • Okay, I guess he's dead now.
  • Ah, another vehicle explodes. Excitement.
  • This really needs to be the last Wrong Turn. Really. No, really. This series needs to be euthanized.
  • Annnnnnd there's the lame fucking coda that leaves the door open for another film.
Whew, I made it! For a while there, I didn't think I would. Don't you feel like you watched it with me? Aren't you glad you didn't actually watch it with me? You should be. Wrong Turn 3 is a big pile of dook. Horrible, horrible, horrible...in case you couldn't tell what I thought from this post.

18 comments:

Kidmarvel said...

Explosions ARE exciting in movies, especially when blatantly exploded prisoner carrying busses get blowed up real good....yet are somehow completely intact for the sheriffs department to find in act 3.
Maaaaaaan....fuck this movie.

thomwade said...

Yeah...there is no way to mount a defense that maybe this was an "okay" film. I love the first one... but the series has been all downhill ever since.

E. S. Collins said...

I can't wait to never see this! I'm a fan of the original as well which is exactly why I passed on the sequel clicked Not Interested when this one started showing itself on Netflix. Thanks for taking one for the team though.

Lee said...

I just watched this last Friday. I too quite liked the second one... maybe even a bit more than the first, but this one got everything wrong. Some random thoughts I had:

Two mutants, and one of them is a useless child mutie? No,no,no, we need a family of muties picking off a proper busload of cons, not two picking off a handful.

Did they actually try to build sympathy for the mutant dad because the normal people snuffed out his son? Come on, nobody bought it, and neither did the film makers, who pretty much dropped the idea half way through anyway. Suddenly enraged daddy quickly seemed to calm back down to being just normally cannibalistic daddy pretty quickly.

They really didn't use their budget to full effect on this one. Apparently horrible CGI gore is more important than decent pacing and writing.

THEY SHOWED THE KILLER IN THE OPENING ACT!

Why was their an undercover cop in this if he wasn't going to do anything but have his face CGI'ed off?

One moment that hot deputy is sitting in her truck. Moments later she's hanging around bloody and nude, dying in some ill-advised homage to Hostel. They actually do show her being molested in a deleted scene, but that doesn't count.

I think the only think I liked about this film was the overly evil lead prisoner. He was a total dick.

Yeah, they really shouldn't make another one... but that tacked on "oh right, it's a horror movie, so let's add a twist... no two twists!" ending doesn't bode well.

James said...

What a novel approach for reviewing films. The immediacy of it all! It was almost like I was watching it right there with you, but without actually having to watch it - which I guess is good, because let's face it, it kinda sucked. So thank you! I quite enjoyed the first Wrong Turn - though by the sounds of it, I may very well give Part III a miss. Maybe.

Paul Arrand Rodgers said...

Movie explosions excite plenty of people, hence the line for Transformers 2.

Erich Kuersten said...

Loved this review! I was right there with you, Stacie dear, 100%. I feel your pain you make us laugh and you saved us all 80 minutes.

Matt Farkas said...

Yes, but how were the tank tops? And were they unfortunately augmented by unnecessary foundational garments, as Eliza Dusku's tank top from the original Wrong Turn was?

Relatedly, I wonder what Tanya Roberts' tube top from Tourist Trap is up to these days...?

Stacie Ponder said...

I guess explosions are fine, but the dead vehicle exploding behind people thing doesn't do much for me.

Lee, you're right about them showing the killer right away- they don't pretend for a second that the audience doesn't know exactly who it is and/or what he looks like. He just strolls around in daylight, doing his thing.

And I wasn't even sure that WAS the deputy. I figured it must be, but...UGH.

What a pile. A big pile.

Theron said...

I knew from the TV commercials it was a pile. "Too shocking for theaters"? Too crappy for theaters is more like it...

Stacie Ponder said...

Yeah, "too shocking for theaters" is a lie. And "unrated" is becoming meaningless. The world of straight to DVD is changing things for sure.

thomwade said...

Well, all unrated ever truly meant was "we didn't submit it for a rating with this footage." Afterall, Fred Dekker's wonderful Director's cut of Night of the Creeps is "unrated", but I would not even dream of claiming it is a "Hard R". :)

I blame all the comedies that had the unrated editions for dumbing it down so severely, though.

Theron said...

yeah, all "unrated" means is that because it's straight to video, it didn't have to be submitted to the ratings board. It has nothing to do with more boobs and blood...although they don't want us to know that. Meh.

Theron said...

...ooops, sorry Thom...

Sad man said...

I'm so glad you hated it. I watched it a few days ago and I could not believe how BAD it was, especially compared to the first one and even the surprisingly good second. It's a big pile of shit and I can't wait for Janet Montgomery to never act again. She was also terrible in the also terrible THE HILLS RUN RED. Ya know, when the best performance comes from Sophie Monk you are in trouble my friend.

Stacie Ponder said...

Ack, I realllllllllly disliked Hills Run Red. I don't get why the horror community is acting like it's the second coming or something...well, I DO get it, but that's neither here nor there.

I didn't make the connection that this is the same chick. Now I've got TWO movies to block from my memory!

thomwade said...

I had not made a connection that this were the same actress. Yup. Two terrible films in a row. There needs to be a rule about that.

Dane said...

"This movie is nothing but jerks running through the woods at night" may be the most succinct summation of a movie I've ever heard. And certainly it's now one of my favorites.